Every single person playing Team Fortress 2 knows the stakes—Valve issued the challenge, and despite the legendary Golden Wrenches being but a cosmetic gift, players worldwide are frothing at the mouth to land their own piece of gold. What most players fail to see, however, are the inherent problems that such a situation creates. When all the chips are on the table, the only one left smiling is Valve. This little gilded tool will be the end of all of us. The Golden Wrenches bring a curse.
It seems as if everyone is playing Team Fortress 2 right now. The gamers that play on a regular basis are playing non-stop. The gamers that play intermittently are re-familiarizing themselves with the game just to get their shot. Even the gamers that stopped playing two years ago have updated their long-neglected installations just so they can roll the dice. No matter how much these gamers play the Engineer class, or more so the actual game, everyone has been bitten by the fever.
Even Icrontic is in the mix—gamers that haven’t touched the game in months, such as Primesuspect, LethalBlu, and Gargoyle, have all returned to the battlefields. They couldn’t resist the temptation—they had to put in a quarter and pull the lever. The Golden Wrench is an extremely rare item. It grants its owner unlimited bragging rights. In internet terms, that’s as good as gold.
Amidst this gold rush is a hidden darkness. Gamers are rapidly hitting the weekly item drop limit thanks to their continual attempts and longevity in play time. Furthermore, understanding that crafting is a necessary component in the acquisition of Golden Wrenches, these players are crafting every last item they have in their backpack. It is not uncommon to find gamers who have crafted it all away, leaving no functional weapon unlocks at their disposal. Many players have found themselves locked away in a dark box of wrench madness—having hit the item drop cap and crafted away all of their belongings, they have effectively taken themselves out of the Golden Wrench running in the earliest stages. They have become hobos of the Team Fortress 2 world.
Valve did announce that they are increasing the item drop cap for this week only. They state with glee, “If you thought you’d hit your item cap, think again!” Such a simple matter makes no difference. These obsessed gamers will continue to play and craft until they reach this new limit and once more close themselves down.
However, these poor, pathetic crafters actually got the better part of the bargain. The people in the worst shape just might be the actual Golden Wrench recipients themselves.
Take a look at the list of players who have acquired a Golden Wrench thus far. Notice how many of them have turned their profiles to private? Look closely at the first three profiles. All three have privatized their accounts, and one has gone so far as to completely strip the info from their Steam Community profile. These players are on display for everyone to see, and are no doubt being assaulted from all angles. Rabid, desperate players are flooding in. They want to know the secret, they want to know how to get a Wrench. Some might even bring business proposals. It wouldn’t be surprising to find these “winners” being threatened by some pathetic, passive-aggressive gamer. Those that have the Golden Wrenches are feeling the pressure. One of the original three has even changed his profile name in a way that perfectly reflects the situation. Their name reads, simply, “The Wrench is a Curse.”
These winners could not be reached for comment at the time of publication. Our knocks on their doors only resulted in the locking of even more deadbolts and chains. The winners just want to be left alone. They never asked for the podium that Valve has placed them on. Through their success, their lives have spiraled out of control.
Valve has created a monster, and despite succeeding in bringing back players who have forgotten about the game, they have inadvertently caused a riot that is enticing the community to eat itself from the inside out. Perhaps Valve meant for this. Perhaps total meltdown of their entire fan base was the plan all along. No matter their intent, we can all be certain that as long as the final 50 Golden Wrenches exis—There’s only 50 left? My God, I have to start playing! I HAVE TO GET A GOLDEN WRENCH. I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I HAVE ONE.
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