The 'Cool Story, Dovahkiin' Thread

Ivan

Gargoyle

There aught to be a "my other family" mod.

Ilriyas

Rules of the internet my friends! If it doesn't exist never fear it will soon!

Snarkasm

You can't remarry if your significant other dies, from what I've read. Frankly, I'm getting annoyed with Muiri. She's cute and all, but all she does is thank me for that thing I did for her. Woman, I get it. I didn't help you and then marry you so you'd thank me for the rest of your life. We're past it. Just say hi like a normal person.

I did contemplate Ysolda at the start. I went the easy way and just stole her a tusk, though. :) Also, you can get the amulet you need in Riften from a guy that works at the Temple of Mara.

I-need-a-better-name

Killing your wife and using the console works very well. You just have to do it "accidentally" in combat or while well hidden.

Tushon

primesuspect

You have forced me to do this foul thing, Skyrim. By disallowing divorce, you have pushed me to the brink of darkness.

Poor Iona. She's stuck at home, running "our" store (although all I ever do is take money from her. I've never helped her once. I don't even know where it is), while I'm out adventuring, seeing wild things, killing dragons, hanging out in various inns with Aranea, the confident and powerful high priestess of Azura. Once in a while Aranea and I will drop in, grab a homecooked meal, sell some stuff to my wife (Yep, I make her PAY for what I give her), and then jet out again. "Don't wait up for me, dear!" I say as the door slams and I leave for six days with another woman.

I finally decided to release poor Iona from her servitude. I searched far and wide for a way to divorce her. Nope. Not possible. You can murder servants in front of the Jarl and get away with it, but you apparently can't divorce your slave-wife.

Then a dark seed of an idea began to grow. I figured, if Iona "accidentally" out there in the big world, what with dragons and bandit kings and bloodthirsty frost trolls, it's not a safe place...

So I told Aranea to get lost for a while, and I came home to my loving wife.

"Hello, love!" I said, brightly. "I've been thinking. How would you like a vacation? Maybe see the throat of the world? Or the shimmering snowfields of the Pale?"

"Really? M-me?" she said.

"Yeah! It'll be fun! Just you and I! We never did go on a honeymoon and I thought, well... we're married!"

"Oh wow! I'll get my things!"

"No, no.. don't bother. Let's just go!"

So we did. She, wearing nothing but an iron dagger and me decked out like a shadow wraith nightmare of death. We started travelling.

I took her to all kinds of dangerous haunts. Dwemer ruins. Dragon nests. Bandit strongholds. Necromancer enclaves. Any time danger approached, I commanded her to run forth into battle while I sat back and crouched behind a tree. The most cowardly thing you can imagine; waiting for that dragon to bite my wife's head off so I could be free from this loveless matrimony.

The dragon never did. Oh, he turned her into an ice cube with gales of frost breath. The necromancer shoved an ice dagger right through her heart. The bandit chief cleaved her nearly in two with his greatsword. The frost troll ripped her entire front off.

But each time, miraculously, she stood up, shook it off, and somehow regenerated. She managed to KILL A DRAGON WITH A FUCKING DAGGER.

I am stuck with Iona. She cannot die. She is a goddess. Maybe it's time to get to know her.

TLDR: I found out last night your wife cannot die if she's your companion.

Gargoyle

primesuspect said:

TLDR: I found out last night your wife cannot die if she's your companion.

Badass. Think I'll find a wife that can do something useful like shoot lasers out of her eyes and take her on adventures. Aranea is looking pretty good.

CB

primesuspect said:

TLDR: I found out last night your wife cannot die if she's your companion.

I took Iona out to die without marrying her first, just 'cause I was tired of the repetitive things she kept saying to me while I was home. She 's immortal even when she's not married to you.

primesuspect

Great. The Housecarl of Riften is immortal. And I married her, ignorant of her divinity. Wonderful.

Snarkasm

Skyrim's immersion is amazing. They even made marriage as shitty in-game as it can be in real life! +rep, Bethesda.

Gargoyle

If she's immortal, doesn't that make her slightly more badass than Aranea? Maybe she doesn't have much to say because she's bad at small talk, good at killing dragons.

I-need-a-better-name

Gargoyle said:

If she's immortal, doesn't that make her slightly more badass than Aranea? Maybe she doesn't have much to say because she's bad at small talk, good at killing dragons.

She's also good at living forever. This is a perfect follower. Now outfit her in Daedric.

I just had an issue with my follower getting stuck in the Temple of Talos in Markarth. Screw that quest so hard!

Snarkasm

Followers. lol. I just leave the wimps at home and go it alone.

People are making me think about finishing the Azura quest for Aranea, though.

Jokke

Pfft! There's two places a woman should be: in front of the stove and in bed, in both cases she better be there to please you. Women adventuring, now I've heard it all...

primesuspect

Spoken like a true Nord!

UPSLynx

:approve::jokke:

Ilriyas

I don't know where to show this but this seems as good a location as any as it (sorta) qualifies as a cool story.

Just read this on the escapist and it sort of relates to the current topic.

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/114443-Creepy-Skyrim-Serial-Killer-Keeps-Heads-on-Shelves

Gargoyle

Fuck. Can't wait to hear about how video games make men abuse women after this gets passed around.

Ilriyas

Gargoyle said:

Fuck. Can't wait to hear about how video games make men abuse women after this gets passed around.

100% guaranteed some nut-job is going to make an issue of it.

CB

So, I walked into this small town far to the west in Whiterun Hold, and said hello to the guard there, as I passed the town sign.

"Don't I know you?" he said.

"Yeah, bro!" I replied emphaticaly, "I'm the freekin Dovahkiin!"

"No," he said, sure of himself, "It's something else."

"No that's really all I'm known for, dude. I steal dragon souls and -"

"I got it!" he interrupted, "You're that guy who was accosted by a fugitive out by Kreekolgd's Keep!"

"Oh," I said a bit put off, "I mean yeah, I guess that happened, but how could you possibly know that?"

"I heard... from a ... guy..."

"Riiiight."

"No, totally!" he was getting excited, "You were approached by a fugitive up in the hills, and he gave you an axe to hold!"

Yeah, bro, but nobody was -"

"Then when he threatened you to do as he said, you shot him in the back as he ran off!"

"Well, uh -"

"And then a few minutes later the hunter who was after him came by, and you let him know what happened, but then you tried to steal his gold pouch!"

"I mean, I guess that's -"

"and when he got mad about it, you shot him right in his stupid face!"

"Well, I didn't really want -"

"It's totally you! You murdered two people in cold blood out on a hilltop somewhere, and left their corpses to be claimed by the rats!"

"Look, bro -"

"You're gonna have to pay a fine." he said then, suddenly serious.

"Okay," I said, relieved that his torrent of words was finally at an end, "How much?"

"25 Septums for attempted pickpocketing."

"I'm not in trouble for the murder?"

"Nah, I don't wanna bust your balls, man! Just pay the fine, and I'll let you go."

I hand over the coins. It really is a paltry sum, but I can't help but ask again. "There was no one around when that happened, bro, and both witnesses are dead, how did you really find out about it?"

"Find out about what, dude?"

"Ummm... that story you just told me that you couldn't possibly have known about?"

"I don't know what you're - HOLY AKATOSH! You're the Dovahkiin, aren't you!"

I stared at him then for a moment in bewilderment.

"I thought I recognized you!" he said.

fatcat

haha CB, yup.

I used the Talos shrine to avoid becoming a vampire, then went outside and was attacked by Thalmor Justiciars. once they were dead I found the note that said I was an enemy of the Thalmor and to kill me on site...

Now I'm trying to find the snitch in Whiterun who told on me so I can kill a bitch

UPSLynx

hahaha. I love CB's stories. So much bro going on.

Koreish

So I don't have any cool adventuring stories yet but I do have a weird glitch story. I was leaving a cave after just killing a master vampire and the game tells me I leveled up. However it says that I grew to level two. Going into the cave I was level 23. I have all my perks all my skills are as they should be, but I had completely restarted my level over again.

I'm thinking of restarting cause I feel that while a bonus to me it's game breaking as I now get an extra 23 perks that I shouldn't normally have and that no-one else will get unless they luck out similarly.

I-need-a-better-name

Koreish said:

I'm thinking of restarting cause I feel that while a bonus to me it's game breaking as I now get an extra 23 perks that I shouldn't normally have and that no-one else will get unless they luck out similarly.

You can't load from about two saves back?

primesuspect

I have a habit of going into my house in Riften and unloading all my ingredients into a paticular chest for later when I feel like doing alchemy. I do this so often that it's become an automatic thing. I go into the basement, hit "E" to open the chest, click "Ingredients" and then repeatedly tap "R" to drop all the ingredients into the chest.

I had a huge load of ingredients—I had been out for a while. So there I am sitting there pounding "R", watching all the ingredients disappear off my list while my mind wandered.

Suddenly I realized that I was going individually through 17 wisp wrappings. "Wait," I thought. "Doesn't it usually ask me how many I want to put in the chest?"

That's when I realized that I had been hitting "E" instead of "R". I ate all of my ingredients.

All of them. Sans the wisp wrappings.