[BLOG] Working on my writing

GnomeQueenGnomeQueen The Lulz QueenMountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
edited November -1 in Community
I wrote this when I was bored on vacation. I intend for it to be the beginning of a larger story. I wrote the first bit, read it over, realized it was crap, so I wrote it again. I think the second version is a little better, but still problematic.

VERSION 1

Eva slapped one hand out towards her bedside table, flapping it around uselessly for several moments until it lit upon her cell phone. She grabbed at the phone, fingers twitching clumsily until the shrill noise emitting from her phone stopped. She quickly drew her hand back then into the warmth of her sheets, willing time to revert so that she could get just another few minutes of rest.


Fifteen minutes later Eva's phone went off again, moving around and buzzing incessantly, dragging her back out of sleep. She groaned, and then reached out a hand to grab the phone off of her table. She brought it near to her face, squinting to see the numbers, which blinked out a blue"7:30." Eva swore, then bolted upright out of bed. She had ten mintues to make it to the bus.

She sprinted around her apartment, grabbing pants and hurrying to the bathroom to brush her teeth. No matter how late she ran- and she often ran very late- she refused to leave her home without brushing her teeth. If she didn't, she felt like her mouth tasted like morning breath the entire day, and her teeth felt like they were covered in disgusting little sweaters. She brushed quickly, but she most certainly brushed, then swept her amber hair back into a ponytail. She frowned at her roots, and muttered to herself that she needed another box of dye.


VERSION 2

Eva slapped out a hand towards her bedside table, flapping it around in search of her cell phone. She inadvertantly knocked over several bottles of hand and body lotion and two books before her hand finally found her phone, which was buzzing and chirping like a very loud, every annoying baby bird. She jerked the phone towards her, rubbing at her eyes before bringing the phone close up to her face. She squinted at it blerily, willing the numbers on it to be earlier than were. The tiny blue phone blinked out a blue "7:30", which changed to 7:31 before Eva's eyes. The girl rolled over instantly, groaning into her pillow, and stayed there for another thirty seconds before finally sitting back and reaching for her glasses. The bus came in less than nine minutes.


Eva wearily pulled on a pair of jeans she grabbed off the floor- she'd worn them the day before, but they weren't really dirty, were they? She hadn't gotten any food on them, not even the messy burrito she'd had for lunch- and then grabbed for a tshirt out of the second drawer on her wardrobe and a sweatshirt. She searched uselessly for several seconds for clean socks, before grabbing those off the floor too. She changed socks everytime she came home, she reasoned, so the ones she was putting on now were probably not very dirty at all.

The blue numbers on Eva's phone now read 7:35, but she HAD to brush her teeth before she left the house. Otherwise, her mouth would taste like morning breath all day, and her teeth would feel like they had little disgusting fuzzy sweaters on them. She walked quickly to the bathroom and brushed her teeth like a madman, before pulling a comb through her amber hair. She frowned briefly at her roots, and mentally made a note to get another box of dye. She then glanced down at her phone again and noting that the time read 7:39, dropped her brush and quickly ran out of the room. She grabbed her bookbag, a granola bar, slipped on her vans, and was out the door and down the sidewalk. She hated running to the bus- she knew that she looked ridiculous, since she had to bend over with the weight of her heavy backpack, but there was no other way she'd make it to class even remotely on time. If only you'd hit the snooze ONE less time she thought to herself, a familiar thought.

The bus ride on the silver was uneventful, and Eva managed to roll into her 8am class a second before the bell rang. She dropped into a seat next to her friend Daniel with a relieved sigh, and quickly shrugged off her sweatshirt in the hot room. She started searching

Comments

  • KometeKomete Member
    I use to belong to a writers club and got pretty good at editing. If you would like, more importantly if you can take someone critiquing your work, I could run through this piece and give you some general suggestions.
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