I'm fat, I'm grumpy, I'm generally miserable about money, about life, dissatisfied about what I have accomplished thus far, about what I feel like I should be doing with my life, just all of it, and its starting to make the people around me miserable too, and you know what, it's all my fault. I have this incredibly bad habit of letting problems pile up, with the hope that somehow things will just even out on their own. I know better, I really do. It might be easy to just sit back and hit the self destruct switch, just let it all spiral until I have nothing left, but I don't have that luxury, I have to think about my family and the future they have with me.
So I have spent months, sitting awake at night thinking really in depth about all the things I wish I was doing for myself, lamenting the fact that all these things are so much work, they all require so much energy and dedication on my part, lamenting that there were too many challenges for one man to tackle. No more! What I have come to realize is there is really only one thing I can do, pick a pressing issue, and fix it, then another, then another after that, one item at a time. Rome was not built in a day, I'm not going to have balanced finances, six pack abs, a restored vigor satisfaction for what I do, and be an improved husband and father all at once, but what I can do is set a defined goal for one item on the agenda, and with some help, I feel like I can attain it then move on to the next item.
So, item #1 is weight, and my general health, because I suppose that seems like the most important item, plus success can be measured. I think it makes weight loss the ideal candidate for the beginning of my self improvement journey. I have been here before, I actually lost significant weight a few years ago, but put it all back on with the lame excuse that I just got too busy to bother. Its hard because I have broken so many promises to myself. Promises about my weight, about my finances, about my work, less specific promises to my wife about how things were going to improve for both of us. There have been so many in fact, that when I said I was going to tackle the weight issue again, my wife scoffed at me, its not that she does not want me to do better, but somewhere, a while ago, she stopped believing in me, and its nobody's fault but mine. She deserves better, she has supported me through difficult trials, been by my side when I was very ill, near death in fact, and I swore I would take better care of myself. I have failed her, and she deserves better, much better in fact. Knowing this is very motivating for me. I have to do it this time, I have to improve my lifestyle and be healthy, for myself, for my wife, for my kids. If I am not doing it for myself, how can I expect my wife to be healthy, how can I expect my little girl to form the right habits and value her health and well being?
Today I hit the scale, I'm 254 pounds. Yeah, I'm tall, I don't look that fat, I've heard it all before, and its all bullshit, I look like shit, I feel like shit, and I know the only thing left to do is to eat healthy foods, exercise more, and try to feel better one day at a time. I know what it takes, I'm hip to the reality that weight loss is hard work. I have to be mentally prepared to change by now, I have been doing nothing but think about how miserable I feel for months, maybe longer. At this point I'm starting a 17 week weight watchers course, in 17 weeks, I believe getting down to anything under 230 should be a reasonable goal, by New Years 2011, I want to hit playing weight again (about 210).
With the community's blessing, I would like to post my weekly result, as well as a picture. I think it will be very motivating for me to be able to share this, not so much because I need to hear someone go, "Ra, Ra, you go Cliff", but because I know I can do this, and I deserve to document it for myself, knowing that once I tackle this monster, I have others to deal with and I want to be able to look here and say to myself, see, I kept this promise for myself, and I can do it again. Yeah, thats right, shit is about to get real.
Scary grumpy fat guy "before" picture to follow shortly.