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This is why you're single.

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Comments

  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    Thrax said:
    image
    I appreciate this.
  • RyanMMRyanMM Ferndale, MI Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    djmeph said:
    Fudge, I'm three messages in with this girl and I already told her that I hang out with furries. This is why I'm single.
    Have you never read Savage love? There are certain things that you can hold off on telling people until you're a dozen dates in. They're fairly inconsequential, but can be deal-breakers when you're in that early, "Let's separate the wheat from the chaff with some hard rules" phase. That's one of them.

    This is something I wrote about dating a while ago. It was a response to this, which offended me on many levels. I've learned a lot since then; I wrote it well before I came to be more sure of myself and became totally comfortable with who I was and what I had to offer. I wouldn't change a word.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    That's a tough one. I've been known to spill just about everything on the first date from my obsession with trains to my cavorting with furries to my history of drug addiction. In my head I think it makes me seem interesting, cool and resilient, but I can't imagine what's going through these girls heads sometimes. Also, a dozen dates seems like a lot to me, but maybe that's my problem.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    Also, I'm glad you quit smoking, Ryan. That was the only part of passport's article that I agreed with.
  • ShortyShorty Manchester, UK Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    Thrax said:
    Random image...
    Hey dude, it's Manchester, England. It rains here so much, anyone driving a convertible is a visitor...! ;)
  • RyanMMRyanMM Ferndale, MI Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    Yeah, I'm really glad I quit smoking. I'm really lucky Leah put up with smoker Ryan for the first year of our relationship, because she could've used that as a reason to walk away with no regrets and then we'd never be this bouncy happy couple.

    I understand where you're coming from on the full disclosure thing. You're a very off-the-cuff kind of person and you don't filter in the slightest, but it's one of those things that wouldn't be such a bad thing to work on. Being selective about some of the stuff that comes up on the first half-dozen dates isn't necessarily misleading when it's not core personality/behavior stuff.

    There's stuff about me that I definitely wasn't anxious to tell Leah and stuff about her that I'm glad I found out after I was already starting to seriously dig her. Everyone's got flaws/quirks/eccentricities, but it's REALLY hard to appreciate those when they're in the 10% of stuff you know about someone new versus the 1% you know after learning a lot more.

    Obsessed with trains? Not much wrong with it, and it is a like/preference. I'd get that out early, maybe date 3.

    Your drug history? That's a big make or break thing with some women, and anyone you're with should be comfortable knowing your history with drugs and accept that without problems. That's a date 3 or 4.

    Hanging out with furries? It just means you've got some friends with a niche interest, it's not really relevant to your personality. That doesn't need to come up during initial dating at all, although if you're really into the chick and taking her to a party with some furries, some advance warning might be nice. You'd be behooved to do the same if you were taking her to a party where everyone is LARPing or something.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    It's officially been three years since I quit smoking. Best decision I ever made. I started when I was 14.

    I have had many talks with people about "slowing my roll" and somehow it always slips my mind on every first date. One day I'll learn, and I do hope someday I'll have what you and Leah have. That would be great.
  • ardichokeardichoke Buttes Master B Lansing, MI Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    Man... it's been a year since I quit smoking (for good this time). Seems like forever ago.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    I don't think I'll ever forget the day I quit, because it was right around the time Obama got elected. I was in Vegas for SEMA, for a whole week. I had brought a pack of cigarettes with me and when I got home I noticed I hadn't smoked one of them. I thought how in the fuck can I go an entire week without even thinking about a cigarette... IN VEGAS.. and I think I can't quit. Haven't touched a cigarette since.

    My friend claims that I smoked with him once when I was drunk, but I am doubting the validity of that story because my not smoking became a huge inconvenience to him. I have also smoked two spliffs since then (tobacco + marijuana) and a Hooka once. The spliffs were not that great because the tobacco hit me much harder than the weed, and I'd rather just get high. I'll probably smoke a hooka again though.
  • RyanMMRyanMM Ferndale, MI Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    A year is a good length of time. I might've been a unique case, but I went from a pack to pack and a half a day habit and in one month, the cravings were a distant memory. I don't know how people can go 3, 6, 12 months without smoking and still have cravings or fall back into the habit, but maybe I'm really lucky in that regard.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Nov 2011
    RyanMM said:
    A year is a good length of time. I might've been a unique case, but I went from a pack to pack and a half a day habit and in one month, the cravings were a distant memory. I don't know how people can go 3, 6, 12 months without smoking and still have cravings or fall back into the habit, but maybe I'm really lucky in that regard.
    No, it's psychological. As with most drugs, people psych themselves into thinking they can't quit. It has a lot to do with the way the media portrays these substances.
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    Is it odd to want to feel wanted?

    What if the person you want says they dont want you but wants to you to hang around with the chance they will want you some day and you want them so you want to hang around for the chance that they will want you? lolwtf.
  • primesuspectprimesuspect HumanGarbageDisposal Detroit, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    No, it's not odd at all. Being wanted is a core psychological need. We all torture ourselves with this stuff.
  • ardichokeardichoke Buttes Master B Lansing, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    I didn't want any of this
  • BlackHawkBlackHawk Bible music connoisseur There's no place like 127.0.0.1 Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    Pretty much sums up OkCupid for me.
    too damn high.jpg
    1 x 1 - 76K
  • ardichokeardichoke Buttes Master B Lansing, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    Yeah, not everyone on there is like that though. I met quite a few nice women on OKC over the years. As I stated earlier, one of them introduced me to my current (and first long-term) gf through there as well.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    MAGIC said:
    Is it odd to want to feel wanted?

    What if the person you want says they dont want you but wants to you to hang around with the chance they will want you some day and you want them so you want to hang around for the chance that they will want you? lolwtf.
    I don't know about you, but I've always longed for the day my dream girl eventually caved in and said, ahhh what the hell.
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    djmeph said:
    I don't know about you, but I've always longed for the day my dream girl eventually caved in and said, ahhh what the hell.
    I think I'm just going to start being an asshole. See how that works. Chicks dig dudes that treat them like shit.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    MAGIC said:
    I think I'm just going to start being an asshole. See how that works. Chicks dig dudes that treat them like shit.
    This is true. I tried it for a short time. It worked.

    My scientific theory on this has to do with consistency. If you're consistently nice, respectable, etc. even if you're not a pushover, you set that expectation so if you fuck up, that stands out. But if you consistently treat a girl like garbage, you set that expectation, then it stands out when you do something nice.

    It also has a lot to do with availability. Right now, you'd think that without any recent relationship baggage and a pretty solid outlook on life, I'd be set. I feel like it should be ok for me to make myself available and show that I'm worth the commitment. But I seem to always make myself too available and it's standing in the way of me finding a good relationship.

    Someone rip my heart out so I can love again.
  • PirateNinjaPirateNinja Mountains Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    You can be confident with out being an ass hole, give it a shot you jaded think too muchers.
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    No sir, I am confident and honest about what I'm thinking. The way it is described to me there is a "game" that is to be played that involves ignoring and treating the person you are interested in poorly to gain their attraction. I am not interested in dealing with this.
  • TushonTushon I'm scared, Coach Dallas Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    MAGIC said:
    No sir, I am confident and honest about what I'm thinking. The way it is described to me there is a "game" that is to be played that involves ignoring and treating the person you are interested in poorly to gain their attraction. I am not interested in dealing with this.
    Agreed. Apparently, duplicity is better than honesty in the getting category.
  • RyanMMRyanMM Ferndale, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    I refused to play that game myself. I was just starting to give up hope and think I was going to have to start playing it when I met Leah. She didn't play games and that was one of a dozen things I instantly loved about her.
  • boasistboasist Troy
    edited Dec 2011
    FWIW, It's going great with a 70%'er. So don't limit yourself to only 80% above or something like that.

    We hit it off great right away a few weeks ago and now it's just getting stronger each day. I couldn't be happier.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    MAGIC said:
    No sir, I am confident and honest about what I'm thinking. The way it is described to me there is a "game" that is to be played that involves ignoring and treating the person you are interested in poorly to gain their attraction. I am not interested in dealing with this.
    Yeah man, and if you don't play the game, SHE WINS. :rolleyes:

    I'm 100% with you, I just do me and she can take it or leave it.
  • primesuspectprimesuspect HumanGarbageDisposal Detroit, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    But neither of you guys are actually assholes, so if you decide to "try" being an asshole, you're faking it.
  • GHoosdumGHoosdum Orange, CA Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    Fake assholes are less shitty.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    djmeph said:
    Yeah man, and if you don't play the game, SHE WINS. :rolleyes:

    I'm 100% with you, I just do me and she can take it or leave it.
    Exactly.

    Andrew, there is no reason for you to play any games. You are a great person, and if someone doesn't want you for who you are, they aren't worth your time. Games are a waste of time, and people that believe this exist, as apparent in this thread. Keep being yourself, and keep being honest with people. Someone will appreciate you and want to be with you, all of the time.

    Sometimes it takes someone walking away to realize what they took for granted. This is true on so many levels, in many different types of relationships.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    There are ways to turn a woman in the same way as being a dick, without actually being an asshole. Being confident, decisive, taking charge in bed, etc. can go a long way. I know how much of a difference it was when I stopped saying things like, "Hey if you're free would you maybe wanna _____?" and instead say something like, "I want to take you out tomorrow, let's go out to dinner." Even if she comes back and says she already had plans, she will appreciate that you were confident enough to just lay it down like that.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    djmeph said:
    There are ways to turn a woman in the same way as being a dick, without actually being an asshole. Being confident, decisive, taking charge in bed, etc. can go a long way. I know how much of a difference it was when I stopped saying things like, "Hey if you're free would you maybe wanna _____?" and instead say something like, "I want to take you out tomorrow, let's go out to dinner." Even if she comes back and says she already had plans, she will appreciate that you were confident enough to just lay it down like that.
    As a woman, I completely agree with this statement. It truly does work. Confidence and assertiveness is sexy and appealing in a man.
  • LazarusXeroLazarusXero Illinois Member
    edited Dec 2011
    primesuspect said:
    But neither of you guys are actually assholes, so if you decide to "try" being an asshole, you're faking it.

    Yeah, I tried this and I think if you're not truly an asshole, it somehow shows up on the chick-radar and then they REALLY think you're an asshole and not the typical "treat-girls-like-shit" asshole...

    It just comes across wrong to those who don't happen by it naturally...

    I hated always being the "nice guy" that woman just wanted as a friend...
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    primesuspect said:
    But neither of you guys are actually assholes, so if you decide to "try" being an asshole, you're faking it.
    Lol, I'm just bullshitting. But seriously, MOB.
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
  • ardichokeardichoke Buttes Master B Lansing, MI Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    The "near you" calculation is related to the distance you have set up in your preferences. If you set it to show you matches from anywhere by default, people from anywhere will show up there.
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    Girlfriend gets me Skyrim for Christmas, this may end up being why I'm single.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    I was just having a discussion with my friend about her OKC profile. She has been getting all kinds of weirdos and one-word responses, nothing of substance. I looked through her profile, and it does a great job of capturing her personality, but it was a little narcissistic. There was nothing about what she was looking for in a guy, or any hints on how to approach her. These are two very important things, I feel. I know that when I respond to a profile, it goes like this: First I determine if I even like her (Based on her profile, I know what you're going to say, but I have been having good luck and not running into any fakes) do we have anything in common, are there any dealbreakers, how do our Q&As compare, etc. But even then, I still probably won't message her if I don't think I'm the guy she's looking for. Sometimes I can tell by reading it that she doesn't even know what she's looking for, and I try to avoid that. However, I have been having good luck lately with girls who state what they want, and especially the ones that at least hint about how to approach them. Because every girl is different and the same approach will not work every time.

    I'm going out on a date tomorrow night with a girl that I met on OKC. Her profile indicated that she was frustrated with PM/SMS relationships, no one talks on the phone anymore, she'd rather meet someone in person and have good conversation, etc. So I sent her a short message saying that I agreed with her sentiments and that I'd like to take her out. We have been talking on the phone a lot and we're going out tomorrow. I think she really digs me so far. Had I approached her differently, we might not have ever gotten to this point, and I could have ended up just being like all the other d-bags out there. I knew what she was looking for, how to approach her, and felt like I had the qualities she was looking for.

    Just a little advice. I think this is probably sound advice for guys too.
  • GHoosdumGHoosdum Orange, CA Icrontian
    edited Dec 2011
    djmeph said:
    Her profile indicated that she was frustrated with PMS relationships...
    Me too...

    Also, your advice sound like it's spot on. I hope your friend listened!
  • GargoyleGargoyle Illinois Icrontian
    Re: compatibility ratings discussed earlier:
    developers of matching algorithms have tended to focus on the information that is easy for them to assess, like similarity in personality and attitudes, rather than the information that relationship science has found to be crucial for predicting long-term relationship well-being.
    http://www.theverge.com/2012/2/7/2782397/online-dating-matching-algorithm-unhelpful-psychology-scientific-review
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited Feb 2012
    This reminds me about the girl that I mentioned in that last post. What a nightmare that turned out to be. She just did not turn out to be who she said she was.

    I think the first warning sign was a freak out she had over a conversation we had about her stance on dating bisexual men. Even though she herself was bisexual, she was pretty flagrant in her opinions against dating bisexual men. It wasn't just hypocritical, it was rather bigoted. Things like "I might get AIDS" came up. I was thoroughly disgusted. She also expected me to vehemently defend my sexual orientation to her. It turned into our first big fight, which inevitably led to her apologizing for the completely wrong thing, and this e-card:

    image

    She had said that she wanted an assertive, dominant man in her life, but that turned out to be the opposite of true. Our sex life was just a mess. I learned at some point that she really wanted to be in charge, so I kind of just sat back and let her take the reigns. She seemed happy after that, but then everything was on her terms, and I wasn't happy. There were a number of other issues that came up, but we haven't spoken in a few weeks.

    Anyway, the moral of the story is to get in touch with yourself before you get out there and start dating. If you don't even know yourself, and know what you want, it's going to lead to a lot of issues. Some of this you will kind of learn as you go, but if what you say you want, and what you really want are two completely opposite things, that is why you are single.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian

    Anyway, the moral of the story is to get in touch with yourself before you get out there and start dating. If you don't even know yourself, and know what you want, it's going to lead to a lot of issues. Some of this you will kind of learn as you go, but if what you say you want, and what you really want are two completely opposite things, that is why you are single.
    Norm, you couldn't have said it any better. :)

    We all need to know ourselves, and need to try to understand if the people we meet know themselves as well (hopefully there aren't too many circumstances like yours, but we all know there are plenty). Sometimes a way of getting to know ourselves can involve dating, as hurtful as it is to other people, it helps us figure out what we want, and what we want in a partner. Sometimes we idealize what we want, and also expect perfection, when we need to find that person that simply meshes well with us, imperfections and all. But having a general idea of who we are and what we are looking for can definitely be a necessity in dating successfully, otherwise we will be single the rest of our lives, and no one will ever be good enough.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    Also, we need to stick to our guts, and stick to those things that are important to us, instead of getting infatuated with someone that doesn't share the same morals or beliefs as you. Never think, "they will change," and never think it will get easier. Relationships only get harder, so you need a strong foundation if you want it to work.
  • ardichokeardichoke Buttes Master B Lansing, MI Icrontian
    I hate when I stick to my gut...
  • MAGICMAGIC Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    I hate when I stick to my gut...
    Word.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    This is why you're single.

  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related Icrontian
  • WinfreyWinfrey waddafuh Missouri Icrontian
    Fake assholes are less shitty.
    Goddamn this made me lol to tears.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    Bump - need more activity here.


    image
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    Actually... this kinda sums it up. Everything is fine and dandy, then they start talking... :P


    image
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    On a serious note -- Just came across this article.

    http://www.nationalreview.com/home-front/291473/why-men-are-slackers-and-women-are-single/suzanne-venker
    Unlike women such as Condoleezza Rice, who quietly lead unconventional lives without a trace of resentment toward their fellow men, feminists are inherently insecure women who demand validation for their unusual choices. They do this by implying the so-called rise of women is a great thing — and proof that marriage is an outdated, patriarchal institution.
    Can I call bullshit that feminists are insecure women demanding validation for their choices? That is quite the generalization, which I hate. Some women, yes, but many women, no. The article also calls out some women who are successful, independent, happy, and don't find a need to get married. Sometimes it can be better to focus on yourself, than worry about finding a "match," just so you aren't lonely. Why be in a relationship or marriage, just because you are afraid of being by yourself? If you meet someone awesome, cool. But if you don't, why do people need a significant other? Sometimes, a great group of friends is a better support system. Why do we feel the need to have someone, especially if you are successful, happy, independent, have great friends, and have family? Why does that have to be a feminist mindset, or an insecure mindset? Why do human beings need companionship to live their life? Maybe we just need to live our lives, and then if companionship comes along, it does.

    I'm not even going to touch the part of the article that talks about men being slackers...
    And that’s just the women who were fortunate enough to find husbands in the first place. Others put off marriage indefinitely — until they decide they want a baby. Trouble is, they can’t find men who are willing to marry them.
    Then there's this quote that scares the shit out of me. But damn... that is harsh.
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