View Full Version : The Jokes Thread
Scarface
25 Feb 2005, 4:29pm
im new here so thought id start with bringing some joy and laughter to the message board. so heres my jokes thread! feel free to add yours!
There was once a man who had an obsession for tractors. His walls were covered in posters of tractors, his mantelpiece covered in tractor plates. Tractors tractors tractors all over his house. His wife, naturally, because she was sane, hated it. So she gave him the ultimatum - the tractors or her. After much thought he decided to get rid of the tractors and promptly took all of the memorabilia to the dump. He returned home to find his house on fire and that the smoke was preventing his wife and kids from finding the door. So the man took a massive deep breath. He sucked in with all his might. The smoke sucked out of the house and his family escaped. Later on, a firefighter asked him how he did it. "That's easy," he replied. "I'm an extractor fan".
Scarface
25 Feb 2005, 4:30pm
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Scarface
25 Feb 2005, 4:39pm
what do u think of them?
GnomeWizardd
25 Feb 2005, 6:32pm
bash.org LMAO
OverLoad
25 Feb 2005, 6:41pm
someone needs to post some dead baby jokes!
GnomeWizardd
25 Feb 2005, 6:52pm
eh how bout some seamen jokes?
http://www.sign-fx.com.au/catalog/images/9dac1ed96363ddfb8a263d4d62861ff5.gif :p
LIN
Scarface
4 Mar 2005, 5:44pm
come on people add yours!!!
A guy walks into work and passes by a coworker he doesn't know all that well, but knows that he is a very masculine kind of guy. He notices he is wearing an earring that he is sure he has never seen before. So he asks the masculine guy "Since when do you wear an earring?" The masculine guy says to him "since my wife found it in my truck!" :haha:
The top 10 things men know about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts.
Massive_gas
4 Mar 2005, 8:34pm
so this baby seal walks into a club...
The top 10 things men know about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts.
:haha: :haha:
LIN
Scarface
5 Mar 2005, 8:27pm
poor jokes people!
So, an Irish guy walks out of the bar...
hah!
sorry LIN, ;)
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
9. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
10. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
11. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
12. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
16. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
17. You can kill your own food.
18. The garage is all yours.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
21. You never have to clean the toilet.
22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
26. The National College Cheerleading Championship
27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to shave below your neck.
29. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. Chocolate is just another snack.
32. You can be president.
33. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
34. Flowers fix everything.
35. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
36. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
37. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
38. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
39. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
40. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
42. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
43. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
44. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
45. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
46. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
47. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
48. One mood, all the time.
49. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
50. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
51. Same work....more pay.
52. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
53. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
54. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
55. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
56. The remote is yours and yours alone.
57. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
58. ESPN's sports center.
59. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
60. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
61. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
62. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
63. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
64. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
65. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
66. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
67. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
68. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
69. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
70. Baywatch
71. There is always a game on somewhere.
So, there was this couple, both of them were 54 years old. The man is unhappy with the marrige, so he goes and sleeps with an 18 year old girl. The wife is angry at this, and said, fine, I'm going to sleep with an 18 year old guy too, but remember, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18.
A husband, his wife, and 15 kids and an old man were waiting at the bus stop. The bus came, but there were only 17 seats left, so the family gets on, and makes the old man walk. The old man started to walk along side of the bus, and his cane was making a clicking sound. The man on the bus got angry, and shouted out the window, hey, put a rubber cap on your stick! The old man looks at him and said, well maybe if you would have put a rubber cap on yours, I would be on the bus.
Hey, whats the squre root of 69?
Ate somthing...
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.
sorry LIN, ;)
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
Lol ;)
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time. :p ;)
LIN
GnomeWizardd
5 Mar 2005, 9:59pm
LMAO 34: Flowers fix everything
In the "reasons why its good to be a woman " #34 says : sex fixes everything
Stevie Wonder is in a Tokyo club. He's just finished playing his
Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young
Japanese man at the front yells out, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz
chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor on his
keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No
Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he
goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's
finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!" By
now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz
chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best
song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how
does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius. The young
Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: "A jazz
chord.....to say, I ruv you..."
LIN ;)
LiLbRo
10 Mar 2005, 11:47am
Stevie Wonder is in a Tokyo club. He's just finished playing his
Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young
Japanese man at the front yells out, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz
chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor on his
keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No
Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he
goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's
finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!" By
now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz
chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best
song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how
does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius. The young
Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: "A jazz
chord.....to say, I ruv you..."
I dont get it :(
LIN ;)
I dont get it :(
it's an old "famous" song ;)
the guy wanted him to sing "I Just Called To Say I Love You" (http://www.songfacts.com/detail.lasso?id=2312)
LIN ;)
Massive_gas
10 Mar 2005, 10:41pm
why can't stevie wonder read?
BECAUSE HE'S BLACK!
why is stevie wonder always smiling?
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S BLACK!!!
:( i'm going to hell
LiLbRo
10 Mar 2005, 11:33pm
why can't stevie wonder read?
BECAUSE HE'S BLACK!
why is stevie wonder always smiling?
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S BLACK!!!
:( i'm going to hell
I laughed at both, ill see ya there... :(
Turambar
11 Mar 2005, 11:50pm
what do you call a native riding a bike?
a criminal
what do you call 20 natives riding bikes?
organized crime
Scarface
25 Mar 2005, 12:49pm
tha stevie wonder joke was well funny!
Zuntar
13 Apr 2005, 8:17pm
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!
badum chink!
youvegotjermz
13 Apr 2005, 8:37pm
What's worse than a dumpster full of dead babies?
-the one at the bottom's alive.
What's worse than that?
-he has to eat his way out.
What's worse than that?
-he has to go back for a friend
youvegotjermz
13 Apr 2005, 8:48pm
How do you make a baby float?
-with ice cream and a blender
What's better than eating a dead baby?
-Nothing!
What's the worse thing about having sex with a vegetable?
-picking her up and putting her back in the wheelchair
What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
-there's twenty of them!
What do a slinky and my pregnant girlfriend have in common?
-they both need to get pushed down the stairs (yeah, i paid my hell ticket in full with that one)
Shockjock
13 Apr 2005, 9:46pm
Which is easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of live babies?
Live babies.... You can use a pitch fork
Spoonman
13 Apr 2005, 11:26pm
Hahahaha Shockjock and youvegotjermz.... man, those are so sick..... but funny!
-Spoonman
*Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
*Rehab is for quitters
*Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
Zuntar
14 Apr 2005, 1:43am
Which is easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of live babies?
Live babies.... You can use a pitch fork
Damn, da's nasty! :haha:
someone's in for a spanking :p
LIN ;)
Shockjock
14 Apr 2005, 6:52am
What's red and flies through the air?
Baby on a meat hook...
What's green and purple and flies through the air?
Same baby, three weeks later....
LiLbRo
14 Apr 2005, 1:57pm
lol
at genmay they have like a 14 page (50 ppp) thread with dead baby jokes... it was pretty funny actualy
Zuntar
14 Apr 2005, 2:03pm
someone's in for a spanking :p
LIN ;)
Oo Oo Oooo, Me first!!!! :p
Oo Oo Oooo, Me first!!!! :p
you get a different kind of spanking than the others.
LIN ;)
Zuntar
14 Apr 2005, 5:06pm
you get a different kind of spanking than the others.
LIN ;)
:o
GnomeWizardd
14 Apr 2005, 5:20pm
what about I?
what about I?
i'm pretty sure your g/f is available for that, Lol ;)
LIN
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