just some advice.

[isiea]

i wrote a previous post where when i had clicked the button to save the post, the forum deleted my post and logged me out and when i logged back in the forum deleted the post.

so i'm writing in notepad because i thought that was really really stupid, for the forum to delete the post which i will try and retype again, because i really really want to get better in asmuch as it sounds that i have to write this in notepad. i'm writing this post in a hospital where i have been in for a week after my suicide attempt on monday september 24.

i thought i'd post something on icrontic regarding the situation because icrontic does mean something to me. i'm not here for a pity party, i just want advice and input on how i can make my life better.

i think i've always been too hard on myself. even during the lan party at icrontic 2007 i couldn't forgive myself for how poorly i had done on the duct tape challenge. i know it was for fun, believe me i had it and i'm glad that we all had it and the winners who came out with such an outstanding design. i mean that, all of it. what gets me is that though i had fun i felt like the most absolute loser in the world for thinking that my design could actually work. i mean i was waay off compared to everyone else i thought and mine not only did i bring my team down and became the loser of losers the design even melted in sunlight! seriously there has got to be a way to fix this. any time something happens i end up taking it out on myself.

like i always knew i grew up in a home where my ideas and opinions were not only put to shame but i never got any social support. something i could have always dealt with until now. i spent a week travelling to a friends house, the same house primesuspect dropped me off to when the lan was over in windsor. everything that week that could go wrong did go wrong. there was even a car accident involved and me causing a scene when i finally had it smashing the outside of a pop machine. anyways i blamed myself for being obnoxious, rude, pushy, insistent, arrogant and melodramatic. i suppose you could say that even at the lan 2007 event i came out rought on the edges. i would like to ask anyone and everyone that knew even of me at the lan if my social skills were really that bad.

because stuff like this of who i was and what i became is what i hate the most. i figured that i'm completely useless because of something so simple that for some reason is impossible for me to have and for that same reason when i was back from the bus trip from windsor, i decided to run into traffic on toronto's busy streets after punching myself as much times as i could until i fell to the ground. i was later then detained by police and thrown into a hospital specialized for mental health and addiction. i'm there writing this post now it's late at night and i have been out only twice in the past week or so. i have yet to realize that i want to get better. i know i love icrontic for all that it is so i figure i'd post this (again) despite my fustration and ask for input for everyone because for all my life i really think i'm waay too hard on myself and i'd like to change that. i think i have another week 1/2 if i behave myself.

so incrontic members if this is too much, i suppose i can delete it, but again i don't want a pity party just some advice and input on what i can do.

thanks everyone in advance

isiea (allen)

[Leonardo]

Thank you for reaching out to us. As a staff member (and member also!), I am honored that you would come and talk to us.

Advice?

Focus on whom you want to be. Sure, your background will make normal somewhat heard to see at times, but you can see it, and you can have it. Choose it. Let your past be just that - your past. Think about the good things in life - the good places, the good people, the good families. Ensure that the actions you take will lead you in that direction. Remember that you are not bound by your past. Going forward, your choices will have consequence, so choose deliberately and methodically. If you think you are going to lose it, change your surroundings. That could be as simple as taking a walk, singing in the shower, or dropping to the floor and doing some pushups. Chose friends who embody the values and standards that you want for your life.

Determine that you won't let the past and your environment control you.

Look for the good around you.

Don't hesitate to contact us. If you wish to post, we'll support you. If you wish to PM me, please don't hesitate.

[primesuspect]

allen :(

First, I missed you. I didn't really hear from you after our roadtrip.

Dude, you're brilliant - I want you to write for our site. Your enthusiasm is a huge asset for us.

I understand quite a bit about the culture you come from, and I understand that in your culture, parental expectations are really exceptionally high. Try to bear with it as much as you can and just understand that there is a wider world out there where you can excel and be what you want to be without having to constantly try to please someone.

I grew up with a situation something like yours - never approval for my ideas, always told to do the sensible thing, and constantly berated when I did something that my father didn't think was the best for me. Moving out and finding my own way really changed my perspective.

Just remember, it's only temporary - it will all pass and then it's on to greener pastures. Just get through this tough spot and then be what I know you can be.

Plus, **** all that, you GOTTA be at Lan 08. We're gonna have a blast :)

[Thelemech]

Quote:/ I have yet to realize that I want to get better....:\

I can relate through some traumatic experiences in my earlier life that lead to a short admittance in a mental health unit at a hospital in Ottawa. The environment can be very disparaging ... but the first thing you have to do IS WANT TO GET BETTER!!!! You can do it.. you know you can; I can tell just by reading the post you made that your intelligence can win out against this "delusion" you are currently suffering from. Just be honest with yourself and your place in reality. Give yourself time to heal mentally and DO NOT GIVE UP!

The friends you have here(Icrontic) are willing to aid you in this crisis .. no matter what you are not alone.

[Bad_Karma]

Hi Allen,

First off you are never alone in this world. I have been fighting depression for the past 10 years of my life. You need to know that when you feel worthless you are lying to your true self. I do the same thing you are talking about. I will focus on all the negative things in my life no matter how small and petty it would seem and just let the negativity rot my mind. It still happens even to this day. It makes my eyes tear up to even admit this to people as I feel it is an embarrassment and that it is all my fault. That's right I'm teary eyed while writing this. Is this melodramatic or is it simply human feeling?

I do want you to know that there are people that care about you. I mean look at me. I am a complete nobody but I care enough to respond to your post because inside I can relate to you. Your friends and family care for you as well.

I grew up in a house where I was literally beaten on a daily basis and mentally put down from my older brother. I lived my first 16 years of my life feeling absolutely worthless and it still affects me till this day.

I write that because you need to know that people put pressure in one form or another on others because of their own inadequate character flaws. I can see that your parents were tough on you. They may have personal regrets that they don't want you to have to go through or simply it may be a fact that they may think that if you fail they fail in this life as well.

Life is hard to go it alone. I have lost a lot of friends over the years due to my own flaws. That doesn't mean I don't have friends it means that I am more picky with who I want to associate with. The friends I do have (literally 5 / not including this wonderful site full of friends) are my friends because they don't sit there and judge me. True friends will sit there and help instead of judging. Those 5 friends are exactly that and that is why I allow them into my life. This site is also full of friends, though they may not know me personally, they are always here to help in one way or another.

When I lose control of myself (by letting the negative emotion take over) I get into a blinding rage that is tough to get out of. I have been known to make people run for their lives and have destroyed plenty of things (not people). I take the anger out on inanimate objects. I remember getting pissed off at the stupidest thing and I punched my computer case. Broke the motherboard. Costly mistake to me. It has taken a long time but after forcing myself not to hurt things and/or myself, by simply stopping and thinking how did I get here to this point. What made me this angry? How can I turn this anger into a positive or at the very least how can I foresee this in the future and stop before even having to get angry. Stopping and thinking about why you are angry will usually make you stop acting out on the rage/anger.

It is hard to define myself because I feel lost in this chaotic society. I take one day at a time and try not to let my mind overindulge in negative things in this life. When I start to dwell on how ****ty I am or think I am, I try to meditate on things in my life that I like and love. I have 5 young cousins that are all in grade school and I will think about them and how much joy and love they have brought me and how much joy and love I have returned in kind. I might even indulge in meditating on how much I like a certain friend or even how hot a woman is that ran into the other day. Basically anything that is the opposite of the self doubt and feeling of worthlessness. Music is always a good way to sooth my aching soul.

The one thing I have found, in the past 10 years, is that every step I take forward might be hard and difficult to take but it is the only way that I will ever grow and move on with my life. I have fallen many times on this path in life and there hasn't always been someone to pick me up but I know that if I get up and force myself to embrace life with a positive attitude I will grow and hopefully be stronger for it.

So Allen, when you fall in this life know that there is always tomorrow and a new chance to make that day a better day for yourself. If you ever need help you need to know that this community is here for you and so are the people in your life. If you reach out to someone and are rebuffed or judged then know that that particular person is not someone to go to for help. I don't have all the answers to this life and that is why I know I reach out to people to help me find those answers. Sometimes that means facing things in my reality that I particularly don't want to. I do however find out more about myself and the things that affect it. So, Allen, face life my friend and embrace the good it has to offer you. If you don't know where to look for those things look back to the past and the things that made you happy. I wish you the best Allen and hope that you find happiness in this life. I find that happiness comes in small packets but the great thing is I can always think of those small packets of joy and feel better.

Jason (Bad_Karma) a person who cares.

[primesuspect]

I love this community. Jason, that was truly awesome of you to post that.

[Buddy J]

Hey Allen, I'm glad you're safe. I understand what you're saying about being hard on yourself. I'm like that too... my own hardest critic. Guys like us, we can shoot ourselves down before we ever get off the ground. Been there, done that. The trick is to recognize that self-destructive nature for what it is, and then push yourself to stop it. Make a conscious effort to change that behavior.

With your family situation, you just gotta make the best of what you can. Never let it be an excuse. We support you. Behind each keyboard here is a real person. You've met quite a few of us, and we all really do care for our community members and want to see them succeed. You're a young guy with your whole life ahead of you. This is a world of opportunity, and you gotta make the most of it. If you screw up, learn from it and move on. If somebody screws you, learn from it and keep going. See the theme... Love yourself. Love others.

Peter

And you better come to Lan '08. Bring your USB Hub of DOOM!