This was the worst walk I've been on since the first night. I don't know what I'm doing wrong lately, but I feel like there have been some major setbacks.

Yes, I still walked almost 2 miles tonight, and that's fine, but every step was agony. I'm getting the same kind of muscle cramps in my calves that I used to get on my first few nights. I feel like I'm starting over. It hurts so bad to walk more than a block or so. It's so discouraging because for a while, this pain was a thing of the past.

I was bad with my water intake today, could that have something to do with it? I had a beer this afternoon. Could that have something to do with it? Other than those discrepancies, it was a normal day for me.

To add to my horrendous mood, it is pouring rain out there right now. Also, I decided to try adding music to my walks, to distract me and make things go better. My head is in a better space when I'm lost in music. I couldn't find my old iPod shuffle, so I took my PSP. Well, let me tell you that the PSP is great at many things, but it is the worst audio player I've ever used. Every button (including the hypersensitive shoulder buttons) seems to change things, either skip a track, rewind, stop, shuffle, whatever; point being, while the PSP was in my pocket being jostled by my movement, the song kept stopping or changing. Every slight nudge changed the track. This was a bad idea.

I know a lot of people read this, even if they don't comment; this is for those of you who are struggling along on this journey with me. We all have those nights where we want to give up; this was definitely one of them. I got to the end of my street and I was soaked, pissed off, in pain, and completely dejected. I wanted to turn around, say '**** it', and come home.

It wasn't pretty, and I can't romanticize it with some flowery speech about motivation and rah-rah bullshit. It ****ing blew. I hated every second of it. I am in a terrible, foul mood.

But I didn't turn around. I kept walking. Call it what you want. Maybe I am just so disgusted with what I've become that I see this as a form of penance. Maybe I keep trying to lose myself in the present moment and find my hidden buddha nature. Maybe I just want to ****.

But it's more. I want to be held again. I want to be wanted. I want to be touched, and loved, and told that I am attractive. I used to have these things, and I want them back. I let myself get here, and now this is the price I have to pay to get my life back.

I get told all the time what a great guy I am. How cool, how nice, what a great father, what a great friend, I'm talented, I'm smart, I'm blah blah blah blah blah.

Ugh, I'm so pissed I could scream right now.

I'm not sexy. I'm not hot.

But **** that. I will be.