If you have been reading this for a while, dear reader, you know that I used to **** like a pornstar.

That's all well and good, but what not many people know is that I used to have a porn site; I have appeared in films on the porn site; I made money in this venture; therefore, by definition, technically I can say I was a porn star.

I'm not saying this to prove any points or to be cool; I am writing this down to remind myself of where I was and what I've lost. Also, to remind myself that I am an exhibitionist (big surprise there, I know!) and now I am so ashamed of how I look that I need to see it in writing so that I can remember how far I've fallen.

I thought about this a lot today. My personality type is the kind that should be working out all the time, who should be in shape, and who should be motivated to stay that way. Where did it go wrong?

I used to have an extreme amount of self confidence as well; did she really take all of that from me? I suppose so, but there's only so long that can carry weight. At some point, I need to reclaim myself from myself and get back to being me.

I suppose I've started down that path, and I should feel good about that, and even though a month ago I never would have thought I'd be walking every night, losing weight, and regaining myself and my confidence, I still don't feel like much has changed.

Don't get me wrong, things changed, for sure, but I don't feel the difference yet. I knew these days would come, where I would be discouraged with pace of progress, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I find myself thinking "what else can I do? Where am I not working hard enough? What can I do differently?" while realizing I don't really have it in me yet to do anything more than what I'm doing; when that neuron snaps in my brain, I'll probably start a real diet or get a gym membership or something.

On to exhibitionists:

People who do porn are always amazingly sexy. Of course, the obvious reason is that many times they are physically gorgeous, but there are definitely porn stars who don't fit the typical definition of physical perfection yet still come across as incredibly sexy people. I'm personally not a fan of the BBW set, for example, but I have met with and talked with some BBW porn star girls that are awesome, sexy, and super cool. It's the confidence that comes through that makes it happen for them. Everybody's got their somethin', and for every person who has their somethin', there is another person out there who is willing to show it to them. I salute those people who are willing to put everything out there and do porn, burlesque, stripping, or whatever. It takes confidence and generally those people are awesome to hang out with.

Maybe one day I'll get to be there again. Being that I'm a hedonist and I think the world would be a better place if we all just let go and explored all of our sexual fantasies, I am a fan of the adult industry and the people who make it happen. We're all just trying to get a little love, affection, and excitement—ain't nothin' wrong with that.