Never argue with a women



  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    Yeah, CB seems to have a talent for producing jokes that are so awful that they're hysterical. :D
  • GHoosdumGHoosdum Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    I've heard those jokes from him so many times in the past 7 years, but I never stop laughing at the "drivin' me nuts" one! ;D
  • botheredbothered Manchester UK
    edited December 2003
    I told this on before but..

    A Husband wanted to spice up his sex life so bought a book '101 sexual positions' He was showing it to his wife and trying to persuade her to try some. He said "I quite fancy number 17, the wheelbarrow" His Wife looked at it and after a few minutes said "Well o.k. I'll try it but on two conditions" His eyes lit up "Name them" "well, 1, if it hurts you must stop" He said "goes without saying, and 2?" "You won't take me past my Mothers will you?"
  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    This one is different every time I tell it...

    So, Captain Blonde Beard walks into a bar. He's got a hook for a hand, a patch over one eye, and a peg for one of his legs.

    He sits down next to a hippy at the bar. The hippy says, "Wow, maaan, you're like, totaly beat-up, maaan!"

    "Aye," Blonde Beard says cassually.

    The hippy is still staring, "So, like, wha' happened to you, maaan?"

    "Lots of things happen to me," the pirate replies, again cassually.

    "So, you must have some groovy stories..."

    "Aye, I guess ye would like to hear un ur two?"

    "Yea, maaan." Thae hippy was becomming excited, "So, like, what happened to your leg, maaan?"

    "Well, ye see," Blonde Beard started his story, "Back when I was but a swabbie, my crew was fishin' fer shark in th' indi'n ocean. The shark there be as feirce an' as tough as ye has ne'er seen!! One day during a storm, our cap'n got thrown o'erboard. I was th' only man brave enough to jump in wit' th' sharks, and try to save him. He and I fought off two score of the monsters before the men were finally able to get out to us wit' a dingy, and pull us aboard. When We were safe, we saw that the cap'n had lost a foot, and I had lost me whole leg to the buggers. It wasen't long before the cap'n made me to he's first off'cer, and we became good mates from then 'til the day he died."

    The hippy was stunned by the story. So heroic, so awesome, "Wow, maaan! Well tell me about tour hand, maaan. How'd you loose that?"

    "Well, ye see," Blonde Beard started his story, "tha'twas the day I became Cap'n of me ship. Aye, it was a sad day. Our ship was under attack by the Empirial Navy of Japan, after we had captured The Emperor's daughter for ransom, along with several of his ships, and much of he's gold. He was furious, and sent the entire navy against us, we were out numbered a thousand to one, but still we stood our ground! The cap'n and I fought side by side for days on end, ne'er able to sleep, ne'er able to eat. Only th' canteens of th' fallen Jap'nese navymen for drink when we could!! The small navymen just kept'a'comin. We must 'ave kilt Thirty thousand of them by ourselves before the onslaught finally wanned, we had lost th' princess, and th' ships, and th' gold, but nearly a score of us had escaped with our lives. The cap'n died of his wounds the nex' day, and me hand soon turned green from its wound, and had to be sliced off by me new firs'-mate, as I was the new cap'n of our ship... such as it was..."

    The hippy was totaly floored, he was speachless for a momment, but then barely squeaked out: "What about the eye?"

    "Well, ye see," Blonde Beard started his story, "A seagull pooped in me eye!"

    "What?" the hippy looked like he didn't believe, "Like, you can't loose your eye from bird poop, maaan!"

    "Well, ye see," Blonde Beard said. He sat for a momment apparently thinking of the best way to explain.

    "Ye see," he started again, "'twas me first day wit' me new hook!"
  • FormFactorFormFactor At the core of forgotten
    edited December 2003
    A guy goes to japan to close a business deal for his employer. While there he decides to get one of those Japanese hookers wev'e all heard so much about. When he starts his duty with the hooker she tells him "Ubiday, ubiday". Now this poor guy has no idea WTF ubiday means so he can only assume it means harder or faster. So harder and faster he goes. By now the hooker is yelling at the top of her lungs "UBIDAY, UBIDAYYYY!!!!!". Finally he finnishes and heads back to the hotel.

    The next day he closes his deal over a game of golf with the Japenese business partners. One of the Japenese hit a hole-in-one on the first whole. This made the american man so excited he blurted out the first word that came to mind. "UBIDAY!!!" he shouted.

    With this the Japenese man looked at him and asked "what do you mean I got it in the wrong whole?"
  • ClutchClutch North Carolina New
    edited December 2003
    omg these are the best. I never knew there were so many corny pirate jokes, haha and the one about the japanese hooker is too funny, haha, I'm still laughing my ass off.

    Here is my contribution.

    One day this man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He gets to the bar to order his drink, and the guy behind the bar says "sir no pets are allowed int he bar, especially an alligator" the guy replies "oh he is a nice alligator, he wouldn't bite anyone, how about this, if I show you he will not bite, can he stay" "sure he can" says the guy.

    The guy pulls down his pants, and sticks is penis in the alligators mouth, and hits the allitgator on the head to get him mad, the alligator doesn't blink "See, told you he will not bite anyone"

    "I still don't know about that though" replies the guy behind the bar

    "If I do another example, will you trust me" "I guess so" says the guy at the bar.

    "anyone want to try" says the guy. This guy in the back of the bar stands up and yells "I will if you promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the alligator"

  • ArmoArmo Mr. Nice Guy Is Dead,Only Aqua Remains
    edited December 2003
    whats worse than 7 dead babies in a trash can

    1 dead baby in 7 trashcans
  • shwaipshwaip bluffin' with my muffin Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    How many babies does it take to paint a barn?

    Depends on how hard you throw them :d
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    ahahhahaha ;D
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    (said to a Democrat)

    Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: If it weren't for the Republicans, it wouldn't be dark in the first place!
  • Rot-KatzeRot-Katze Pensacola, Florida
    edited December 2003
    What's the difference between a dead baby and a Cadillac?

    I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
  • Red-DawnRed-Dawn Been kidnapped and being held hostage in Edinburgh
    edited December 2003
    since ur doing the dead baby jokes here goes

    how many babies does it take to tile a roof?

    Depends how thinly you slice them

    I love babies.

    i just couldn't eat a whole one.

    whats worse than four babies nailed to a tree?

    one baby nailed to four trees.

    whats funnier than a dead baby?

    A dead baby in a clown suit
  • Rot-KatzeRot-Katze Pensacola, Florida
    edited December 2003
    What's the difference between a baby and an onion? You don't cry when you're cutting up a baby

    Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can see the expression on its face.

    the rest I have already been used :(
  • GnomeWizarddGnomeWizardd Member 4 Life Akron, PA Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    I used to think those were funny until i actually held my baby neice now they are jsut wrong!
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    They've always been wrong!

    They're still funny.
  • shwaipshwaip bluffin' with my muffin Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

    You can't **** a rock.
  • FormFactorFormFactor At the core of forgotten
    edited December 2003
    1 day 2 aliens from outer space land on earth in front of a gas station in the middle of the desert. They both step out of the ship and walk over to the gas pumps. The commanding alien pulls out his futuristic alien weapon and points it at one of the gas pumps. "Take me to your leader" the commanding alien demands. He gets no response from the gas pump. So louder he demands "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER" he bellows again. And still the gas pump doesnt respond. So he cocks his weapon. At this point the other alien starts to say "Sir I dont think we should..." but without listening to his sidekick the commanding alien pulls the trigger and the whole gas station explodes taking the alien ship with it. Finally the smoke clears and the sidekick alien finnishes his sentance. "Sir, I was going to say I dont think we should be messing with a guy who can wrap his penis all the way around his body and stick it in his ear."
  • ketoketo Occupied. Or is it preoccupied? Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    How do you fill a flat deck trailer up with dead babies?


    Geez, I used to know a dozen more - these are like 20 yrs old.
  • edited December 2003
    Fantastic jokes!!

    My favorite so far
    Two fish in a tank...
    One says "I'll drive, you man the gun!"

    Could not stop laughing.

    Okay, here's a few.

    This guy walks into a butcher and asks, "Can I have those from the top shelf please". The butcher replies, "Sorry, the steaks are too high."


    While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

    She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

    "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

    Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

    "Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

    "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

    Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

    "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

    And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"


    Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.


    I woke early one morning,
    The earth lay cool and still
    When suddenly a tiny bird
    Perched on my window sill,
    He sang a song so lovely
    So carefree and so gay,
    That slowly all my troubles
    Began to slip away.
    He sang of far off places
    Of laughter and of fun,
    It seemed his very trilling,
    brought up the morning sun.
    I stirred beneath the covers
    Crept slowly out of bed,
    Then gently shut the window
    And crushed his ****ing head.

    I'm not a morning person.


    A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."


    Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."


    Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "*******, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look." Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "****! We're gonna be millionaires!"


    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
    a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
  • Rot-KatzeRot-Katze Pensacola, Florida
    edited December 2003
    shwaip wrote:
    What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

    You can't **** a rock.

    lol I didn't want to post that one..
  • FormFactorFormFactor At the core of forgotten
    edited December 2003
    IonFizzle wrote:
    Fantastic jokes!!

    My favorite so far
    Two fish in a bowl...
    One says "I'll drive, you man the gun!"

    Could not stop laughing.


    Hmm I dont get it :scratch:
  • FormFactorFormFactor At the core of forgotten
    edited December 2003
    A guy wants to start a farm in America but he goes to siberia for his donkey and chickens because he hears they are much cheaper there.

    When he gets to the chicken dealer and buys his chicken the dealer gives him some advise. "Here we call them cocks. And you must hold on to the chicken at all times or it will run away".

    So then he makes his way to the donkey dealer and purchases himself a new donkey. The donkey dealer too gives him some advice. "Around here we call them asses, and if he stops moving for any reason then simply scratch his back and he shall continue walking".

    He gets back to America and he's walking down the road with his donkey and his chicken when suddenly his donkey stops. So he says to the first passer by (a nice old lady). "Excuse me maam!! Will you hold my cock while I scratch my ass?
  • NorgeNorge Sidney, Ohio
    edited December 2003
    IonFizzle wrote:
    Fantastic jokes!!

    My favorite so far
    Two fish in a bowl...
    One says "I'll drive, you man the gun!"

    Could not stop laughing.
    FormFactor wrote:
    Hmm I dont get it :scratch:

    I think he meant to say, Two fish in a tank... One says, "I'll drive, you man the gun!"

  • edited December 2003
    Ahahaha, I did indeed

    *noob moment*
  • MancabusMancabus Charlottesville, VA
    edited December 2003
    You know what elephants use for tampons, right?


    But do you know why elephants have trunks?

    Because sheep don't have strings.

    What kind of bees give the most milk?

    Boo bees

    Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?

    It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

    What did Hellen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?

    Nothing. She had her mittens on.


    What's red and has a million holes in it?

    A baby on a bed of nails.
    What's red and silver and crawls into walls?

    A baby with forks in its eyes.
    What's red and white and hangs from a tree?

    A baby run over by a snowblower.
    What's more gross than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

    Ripping it off!
  • edited January 2004
    I'll stay away from the Helen Keller jokes (I know quite a few)

    George W. Bush and Colin Powell were on a trip in the weeks before the war in Iraq. On one of their stops they go into a bar and have a few beers while arguing about the impending conflict. So finally, W turns to the guy sitting next to them and says: "Sir, Let me tell you about our plans for Iraq, We're going to go over there and kill five million Iraqis and a blonde with big tits."
    The man asks: "Why are you gonna kill a blonde with big tits?"
    W turns to Powell and says: "I told you nobody'd give a sh*t about five million Iraqis."
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited January 2004
    It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

    When nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

    Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

    'And so,' says Saint Peter, 'have you ever had any contact with a man's penis?'

    'Well,' said the first nun in line, 'I did see one once.'

    'OK,' says Saint Peter, 'rinse your eyes in the Holy
    Water and pass on into heaven.'

    The next nun admits that, 'Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.'

    '0K,' says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'

    Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.

    'Well now, what's going on here?' says Saint Peter.

    'Well, Your Excellency,' says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, 'if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it.'

    One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this f***ing place already!"

    When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

    One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

    "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

    "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

    "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

    "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the

    Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

    Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

    "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited January 2004
    Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
    gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
    lights and bells.
    St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
    a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
    St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
    garden of Eden?"
    1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
    The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
    St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
    2nd nun : "An apple"
    The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
    And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
    St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
    After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
    The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
  • edited January 2004
    First, a keller joke..not sure if has been posted
    Q: Why did hellen keller's dog kill itself?
    A: You would too if your name was auauauaughhghhg

    And now some good anti-bush jokes! :D

    The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

    What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

    3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!

    George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't a great loss!"

    Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Bush, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

    "Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

    Just then, Bush yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145!"

    "What was his name?" asks Neil.

    Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

    The far right extremists of,,, and finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

    A first grade teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."

    George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such." John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations' chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country." Finally, Kathryn Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats." And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."

    George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
    Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
    The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
    George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
    "Republicans," the child says.
    "Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
    A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
    George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
    George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
    The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
    "Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
    "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

    One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
    "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
    Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
    George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
    The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
    The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

    While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

    They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

    When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

    "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

    "Which word?" the woman asked.


    The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

    About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

    While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

    "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

    "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

    "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

    "Which word?" her husband asked.

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