Never argue with a women



  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    MENtal illness

    MENstrual cramps

    MENtal breakdown


    GUYnecologist .


    When they have real trouble, it's a HISterecomy!

    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
  • DogSoldierDogSoldier The heart of radical Amish country..
    edited February 2004
    A Fortune 500 company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
    This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
    The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
    The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT! And don't come back!"

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
    "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
  • DogSoldierDogSoldier The heart of radical Amish country..
    edited February 2004
    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
    6. You watch the Weather Channel.
    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
    19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and you can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
  • DogSoldierDogSoldier The heart of radical Amish country..
    edited February 2004
    Ron buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant so he phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. Ron doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. Ron hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his little black car, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the little black car again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. Which is unusal for Ron.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks Nancy to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in you little black car, and one of them is beeping the horn."
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    An atheist professor was teaching a college class
    and he told the class that he was going to prove
    that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are
    real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
    I'll give you 15 minutes!"
    Ten minutes went by.

    He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm
    still waiting."

    He got down to the last couple of minutes and a
    Marine just released from active duty and newly
    registered in the class walked up to the professor,
    hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying
    from his platform.

    The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and
    yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do

    The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

    Life is good.
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff Icrontian
    edited February 2004
    Oops, I sorta merged the joke thread into Tex's joke instead of the other way around.
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it
    had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see
    your driver's license and registration please?"

    The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

    "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

    "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

    "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
    ways, and proceed with caution."

    "You gotta be kidding me!

    "It's no joke, sir".

    "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
    miles, and proceeded with caution."

    "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete Stop,
    and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
    "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
    doughnut shops closed?"

    "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

    "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming
    to a complete stop."

    The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better
    than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious Motorist out, and
    proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now
    sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

    This is why we Texans love our Texas Rangers. Teaching by example is not a lost art in Texas.
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you." replies the ugly man. "You know, I live bythe railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty" ?

    "Dunno... never found the head..."
  • ArmoArmo Mr. Nice Guy Is Dead,Only Aqua Remains
    edited February 2004
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited February 2004
    A father watched his little daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

    "They're mating," her father replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

    That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

    "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

    The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said
    "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that in Texas.
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited March 2004
    As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

    At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!," pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

    She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
  • edited March 2004
    Did that really happen to you???

    What it taste like?
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited March 2004
    Sorry Bud. It arrived in email form in my inbox and I thought it was cute. I cut and pasted it just like it arrived.

  • NecropolisNecropolis Hawarden, Wales Icrontian
    edited March 2004
    Two Irish pilots, Seamus and Paddy, were coming into Dublin Airport and as
    they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
    PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
    CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
    PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Seamus !
    CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!
    PILOT - Right, Seamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
    CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
    PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
    CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
    PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy
    Mudder a Gad !!!
    CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
    So, as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the
    flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother
    with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed and there was
    smoke everywhere. But to the relief of all the passengers and not least of
    all, Paddy and Seamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the
    end of the runway!!!
    As Paddy and Seamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy
    looked out of the window and said to Seamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist
    fookin runway in de world!"
    Seamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited March 2004
    "It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.

    "Art who?" asked the boy's mother.

    "Art in heaven," came the reply
  • JengoJengo Pasco, WA | USA
    edited March 2004

    good one tex!! HAHA!
  • dragonV8dragonV8 not here much New
    edited March 2004
    Thought for today

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
    Alzheimer's research.
    This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
    with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
    recollection of what to do with them.
  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited March 2004
    A young boy went to his father and asked, "What's the difference Between potentially and realistically." The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" Then the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars?" His sister replied, "Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"

    The boy thought about it and went back to his dad....... His Father asked him if he'd found out the difference between "potentially and realistically." The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hoes
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited March 2004
  • profdlpprofdlp The Holy City Of Westlake, Ohio
    edited March 2004
    The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms:


    01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

    02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

    04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

    05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

    06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

    07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

    08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

    09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

    10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

    11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

  • TexTex Dallas/Ft. Worth
    edited March 2004
    Subject: Mowing the Lawn

    One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,
    drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. After watching the scene for a few minutes the old ladt that lives across the street gets herself really worked up and finally strolls across the street now fully outraged so that she can shout at me. From the edge of my curb she screams at the top of her lungs.... "You should be hung."

    I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, calmly wiped the cold
    foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and
    stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly
    replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
  • mmonninmmonnin Centreville, VA
    edited March 2004
    Hehe good one.
  • edited March 2004
    profdlp the child support list is hilarious!

    Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
    what their fathers did for a living.

    All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

    David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My
    father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in
    front of other men.

    Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money. "The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really
    true about your father?"

    "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
  • McBainMcBain San Clemente, CA New
    edited March 2004
    After her sixth child, Vicki decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

    Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

    Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,

    "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
    "Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
    "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Vicki.
    "The second is from your husband he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited.'

    "Brilliant!" said Vicki. "And the third?"

    "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
  • robbyrobby Olympia, WA New
    edited March 2004
    I had a friend who worked at the orange juice factory but he got fired because he couldn't concentrate.
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited March 2004
    *groan* ;D
  • robbyrobby Olympia, WA New
    edited March 2004
    I had a friend who worked at the blanket factory. He was investigated for involvement in a cover up.
  • robbyrobby Olympia, WA New
    edited March 2004
    The company folded.
  • robbyrobby Olympia, WA New
    edited March 2004
    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Who gives a fuxor, let 'em cry in the dark!
  • robbyrobby Olympia, WA New
    edited March 2004
    Man guys, I know my jokes are bad, but I didn't mean to kill the thread!
Sign In or Register to comment.