The Lore of the 1337 Proc

KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired)By the thing near the stuff
edited December 2003 in The Pub
For those of you who don't know about the 1337 Proc, it is an old 200MHz (possibly 233MHz) Pentium processor that was at one time owned by one of our fearless leaders, primesuspect. He put it up for auction on eBay and it was purchased by our esteemed colleague Shorty for the sum of $15.

The $15 was donated to the Team SMx Folding fund and was then again put up for sale. It has since changed hands several times, with all proceeds going towards the team fund.

Each time it changes hands, a new item is sent along with it. It now includes a certificate of certifiable certification (or something to that end), a list of previous owners, and now an ancient story- The Lore of 1337 Proc- that explains its origins. Below is the story as passed down to me from the tribal elders. Enjoy.

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<blockquote><div align="center">The Lore of The 1337 Proc
Narrated By T.D. Iyalls</div>

Thousands of years ago, in a dark forest at the edge of the world, there stood a mythical forge where magical weapons and armor were created. This forge, powered directly to the heat from the center of the Earth, was called EEyntall. The EEyntall Forge was run by dwarves who were skilled at making weapons and armor, having fashioned Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir. But their greatest achievement was that of the mystical relic known as the Pynteeoom.

Legend has is that the Dark Lord, Beyall Gatewindow, was searching for the ultimate weapon that would give him strength and power beyond that of any creature, mortal or immortal. Disguising himself as a beautiful maiden, he went to the EEyntall Forge, asking the dwarves to fashion a pendant for her made of adamantium, pixie dust, silicon, and diamond. The dwarves found this odd that a fair maiden would travel so far through the dark forest for a simple pendant, but at the first objection by the Dwarven elder Goordiin Morespeed, the evil Beyall cast a spell on the dwarves, forcing them to toil for years to create the magical pendant.

Years passed and the pendant was finally finished. Beyall took the pendant and christened it Pynteeoom. Now his only task was to power the pendant so it could harness the evil of the Earth. Beyall climbed the mountain of Delle, the tallest, most treacherous mountain on earth. After days of climbing he reached the mountain’s peak. It was a cold, snow-capped mountain peak with swirling winds and lightning striking anything that dared to challenge it. Beyall mustered all his energy to stay alive, for even a dark lord is no match for the power of the Delle. He held the Pynteeoom aloft to the sky and lightning struck it 200 times! It glowed with the power of evil. Beyall laughed an evil laugh as he knew that with the power of the Delle in the Pynteeoom, he was now the most powerful creature on Earth.

But little did Beyall realize that there was another forge on the other side of the world, a smaller forge run by fewer dwarves, but able to turn out more powerful weapons, without the power of the Delle…

With the power of the Pynteeoom, Beyall terrorized the land, forcing even the most powerful creatures to cower in his presence. At this time, a young warrior named Pryme Shortmead had escaped from his village as Beyall was burning it to the ground. Pryme ventured over mountains, through raging rivers, and braved cold rain and snow to reach the forge of the Aglarond Minhiriath Dwarves. Pryme, tired and soaked from the rain, collapsed at the doors of the AMD Forge. Jari Sandersthlon, the AMD dwarven elder, helped Pryme to his feet and inside the forge. As Pryme was nursed back to health he told Jari the horrible news of Beyall’s reign of terror over the lands.

As Jari listened in horror, he realized that he must counter Beyall’s Pynteeoom pendant with one of his own. Quickly the dwarves began working on their own pendant. It was forged in half the time of Pynteeoom, and was smaller, but carried with it the heart of a huge and powerful beast, the fabled Thunderbird of Aethlawn. Jari gave the Aethlawn pendant to Pryme so that he may fight Beyall. Off Pryme went, back to the lands where Beyall was still terrorizing the simple people of the world.

Pryme confronted Beyall, and holding the mighty Aethlawn pendant aloft, shot a piercing light, as bright and as hot as a thousands suns. Beyall recoiled in pain as the Pynteeoom flew out of his hands and into the Swamp of Wretched Filth. It fell to the bottom of the swamp, and knowing he was defeated, Beyall ran off back to his lair. Knowing the battle wasn’t finished, and knowing that others would learn of the power of the Beyall Gatewindow, the mountain Delle, and the Eeyntall Forge triad, Pryme went back to the AMD Forge, asking that Jari create an even more powerful weapon to fend off further Pynteeoom pendants. The Opterius stands today as Earth’s most powerful pendant, and even several generations of the triad have still failed to counter the power of AMD’s powerful creations.

What ever became of EEyntall’s first Pynteeoom pendant? One day, the Swamp started bubbling over, and the Pynteeoom pendant shot up through the bubbles, into the air, and onto the ground! Well, thousands of years at the bottom of the Swamp rendered it less and less powerful, especially since over the years more and more powerful pendants have been forged. A passing peasant named Mondi Anyango noticed the glint of the pendant, which was odd since very little light came down through the leaves of the trees in the forest. As soon as the peasant touched Pynteeoom, he felt an immediate sense of happiness- and as this particular peasant has a bad hip, he also noticed his hip started feeling better.

The Pynteeoom had lost its evil powers, and had become a pendant of healing. Passed down from generation to generation- 1337 to be exact- the Pynteeoom has helped mend many broken bones and broken hearts.

And so ends the story of the 1337 Proc, as told to me by my father, and his father before him, and his before him, and on and on to a time long before now, when mystical creatures ruled the lands, and magical pendants saved the Earth from certain destruction. Some say the battle still rages on today.</blockquote>


  • primesuspectprimesuspect Beepin n' Boopin Detroit, MI
    edited November 2003
    "Pryme confronted Beyall, and holding the mighty Aethlawn pendant aloft, shot a piercing light, as bright and as hot as a thousands suns."

    w00t! I'm sweet in this story!
  • GnomeWizarddGnomeWizardd
    Member 4 Life Akron, PA
    edited November 2003
  • edited November 2003
    what's up with this - no one donated any money as far as I know.
  • primesuspectprimesuspect Beepin n' Boopin Detroit, MI
    edited November 2003
    busted... :)
  • edited November 2003
    never was good at reading between the lines :doh:
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff
    edited November 2003
    I have $15 to donate. Where do I send it?
  • edited November 2003
    I used most of the $15 to pay for shipping my motherboard contribution out for SM20. Man, it costs a lot to ship something from Ohio to the West coast!
  • LeonardoLeonardo Wake up and smell the glaciers Eagle River, Alaska
    edited November 2003
    TD, you will send the money to me, once the records and money is fully transferred over from Seversphere. Yup, I'm again the "Donated Computer Project" fund custodian.
  • test_tube_tonytest_tube_tony Dallas TX
    edited November 2003
    That was great! I give it 5/5 stars.
  • edited December 2003
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff
    edited December 2003
    firstinhell had this to say

    Good answer.
  • EyesOnlyEyesOnly Sweden
    edited December 2003
    Someone should hammer this (or whatever it's called).There are many post relating to 1337 and since it started here it would be good if newcomers can find it easily.

    If you don't know what this story is about try renaming the caracters in it to what their names sound like and you might figure it out. Or think of it this way. There are as we type 2 forces in the world fighting each other. Most members in this forum seems to like the smaller one whilst most people support the larger one. I currently support the larger but as i've said in an other thread that will change.

    If you read it a couple of times it becomes clear what the story is about. My explanation might not have helped much but i don't want to ruin the fun for others.
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff
    Fuck yeah, I wrote an awesome story back then.
  • AlexDeGruvenAlexDeGruven Wut? Meechigan
    Nearly 10 year necro. Awesome.
  • You couldn't have waited a few more months to make it a decanecro?
  • ThraxThrax Professional Shill, Watch Slut, Mumble Hivemind Drone Austin, TX
    Deliberate necros don't count.
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff
    Wasn't going for necro badge, just wading through old posts and came across this gem.
  • primesuspectprimesuspect Beepin n' Boopin Detroit, MI
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