This is why you're single.

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  • primesuspectprimesuspect Beepin n' Boopin Detroit, MI Icrontian
    @sharkydart I was in the same boat with OKC. I tried EVERYTHING, all the suggestions, tips, best practices. I had my profile "audited" by female friends, the works.

    It didn't work at all, ever. I just had zero luck on OKC. I would message girls, they would ignore or respond negatively. I NEVER got messaged first, not once ever.

    It really hit my self-esteem. I think it was better that I just gave up on it, as it was affecting my self-image.
    sharkydart
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    @sharkydart or you could just straight up ask if they want to meet for coffee or a drink. Just messaging back and forth takes more time, and more time that they are getting messages from several other guys (I think I once got about 20-30 messages in the span of 3 days when I was on there), and you could easily get lost in the shuffle. If you ask to meet them in person sooner in a public place, that might work better. Or ask if they want to talk on the phone. Make yourself stand out from the mass messages these hot girls are getting. ;)
    kimono54sharkydartdjmephmidga
  • kimono54kimono54 Fort Wayne, IN Icrontian

    @sharkydart I was in the same boat with OKC. I tried EVERYTHING, all the suggestions, tips, best practices. I had my profile "audited" by female friends, the works.

    It didn't work at all, ever. I just had zero luck on OKC. I would message girls, they would ignore or respond negatively. I NEVER got messaged first, not once ever.

    It really hit my self-esteem. I think it was better that I just gave up on it, as it was affecting my self-image.

    @primesuspect, how did you meet Nicole?
  • primesuspectprimesuspect Beepin n' Boopin Detroit, MI Icrontian
    kimono54 said:

    @primesuspect, how did you meet Nicole?

    Introduced through a mutual friend, offline.
    kimono54JBoogaloomidga
  • LincLinc Owner Detroit Icrontian

    Perhaps, the women I match most just happen to be skittish.

    OR THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO BE ASSERTIVE AND ASK THEM OUT. :D
    djmephWagsFTW
  • GnomeQueenGnomeQueen The Lulz Queen Mountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
    I should really just shut down my profile. I don't have the energy for it right now.
  • NiGHTSNiGHTS San Diego Icrontian
    I don't know if it's the part of the country I happen to live in, the size of the city, or what - but the idea of race even being an issue is so absolutely alien to me.

    This thread is really facinating - the experiences you guys/gals are having and the profiles/messages I'm reading are absolutely jaw-dropping at times.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    @kimono54 I can also say that finding good matches is not why I disabled my profile. I'm going through a lot of self-reflection right now and I just need to get my house in order before I meet anyone else. I also haven't given up, quite the opposite actually, and as much as I admire you and Raul for taking that leap, I am not willing to relocate. I have finally found a place that I can call home. I have the best job I could possibly ask for. I have amazing friends and have found fulfillment in both my relationships and my surroundings. There is nothing that could drag me away from Detroit.

    That being said, I have been on OKCupid now for about 2.5 years and have met a lot of women through that site. That is actually the biggest reason why I am taking a break. There are at least five girls right now that I'm friends with that I met through OKCupid. Some of them advanced further than others romantically, and some of them skipped the romance altogether and went straight to friendship. I have no qualms about that, but I haven't quite found someone I connect with on a deeper level.

    I'm currently romantically involved with a polyamorous woman who is married in an open relationship, and I'm very happy about that because we have been taking this very slow and building on our relationship, and I'm in no hurry to take the next step. I'm also romantically involved with a friend who has indicated to me that she's not interested in a committed relationship because she doesn't know where her life is going next. I dig that, and we have a great friendship. One of the women that I met through OKCupid that I am still friends with has explained to me that she's going through some issues in her life and she's just not ready for romance right now, but she has also indicated to me that she'd be interested in an open relationship if/when it's appropriate, and I'm very much enjoying the friendship that we have and the relationship we are building.

    I don't believe that I'll ever find someone who meets my needs comprehensively, which is partly why I became open to the idea of polyamory in the first place. But who knows, I'm open to anything, and I will know it's the right fit when it happens. But what I really want, and what I'm not getting from OKC right now is to connect with someone on a deeper level, and I think it's mostly my fault. I need to spend some time finding out why I'm not happy and then maybe I'll try again.

    I'm just a little burned out on OKC right now because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I also want to focus more on the relationships and friendships that I have and spend less time trying to meet new people. I just stopped by at Prime's today to say hi and ended up staying for dinner and having great conversations. Prime lives a block away from me and and he still hasn't seen my house, and since we've both been employed, we don't see each other very much and I miss him. I have been working and dating too much and my friends have been becoming strangers. But I know I'll eventually get out of this funk and back on my feet again.
    CantiWagsFTWkimono54
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    @sharkydart As for being more assertive, making moves towards IRL interaction sooner, etc. I agree with all of that, and I've said that numerous times throughout this thread. Although, there is something that I've realized lately that I wasn't able to comprehend before. Being assertive is not always easy, especially if your self esteem is in the gutter. And if you're not a naturally assertive person, being assertive can seem forced and disingenuous. One year ago I was flying high, I had just lost 60 pounds, got a great new job, etc. My self esteem was through the roof, and because of that I was having great success with women. But what goes up must come down. When I started to get depressed I noticed that being assertive wasn't working anymore, and in some cases was grossly misinterpreted by the woman. And no offense to anyone, it's not that your wrong, it's just that being confident and aggressive isn't that easy. That's why it might be a good idea to take a break from OKC for a while if you need to work on you. I would encourage that. Do something that's going to change your life. Take a risk. Or just start working out more, eating better, and doing things you love. I let the things I love get put on the backburner and that's why I'm in this position right now. And it's also why being assertive isn't working for me. Because it's not genuine, and doesn't reflect my emotions. Most people can tell when there's a discrepancy between the two.
  • BlackHawkBlackHawk Bible music connoisseur There's no place like 127.0.0.1 Icrontian
    Just from reading this thread I should consider myself ridiculously lucky. My first message to @kimono54 on OkCupid was a desperate shot in the dark that managed to hit. I'm very grateful for that. Before that instance I was about to close my account.

    @djmeph There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a moment to find/discover/compose yourself before you keep looking. Sometimes you just need to recharge.
    primesuspectkimono54
  • JokkeJokke Bergen, Norway Icrontian
    I've been on and off on dating sites for a while, but have recently started searching again. However, one thing I've noticed is that I get fewer hits after uploading pictures of myself. I personally feel the pictures look nice, and reflects me as a person. I did a little experiment on match.no, where I had one week without a profile photo, and got 15 people checking out my profile. The next week I uploaded a few photos, both face and full-body shots, and got 0 hits that week. Might be coincidence, but it's not exactly helping my confidence.
  • LincLinc Owner Detroit Icrontian
    Jokke said:

    Might be coincidence, but it's not exactly helping my confidence.

    OKCupid has a thing where you upload 3 photos of yourself it and it uses them in surveys to tell you which of the 3 gets the best reaction. It's hard to tell what other people might infer from a photo.
    GnomeQueen
  • MAGICMAGIC Doot Doot Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited July 2013
    Jokke said:

    I've been on and off on dating sites for a while, but have recently started searching again. However, one thing I've noticed is that I get fewer hits after uploading pictures of myself. I personally feel the pictures look nice, and reflects me as a person. I did a little experiment on match.no, where I had one week without a profile photo, and got 15 people checking out my profile. The next week I uploaded a few photos, both face and full-body shots, and got 0 hits that week. Might be coincidence, but it's not exactly helping my confidence.

    http://www.nerdist.com/2013/06/sex-nerd-sandra-96-okcupid-casanova/

    Here's a podcast I listen to that covered online dating with some interesting info on profile building and shit. They talked a bit about pictures and how they can effect your results.
    kimono54
  • kimono54kimono54 Fort Wayne, IN Icrontian
    MAGIC said:

    Jokke said:

    I've been on and off on dating sites for a while, but have recently started searching again. However, one thing I've noticed is that I get fewer hits after uploading pictures of myself. I personally feel the pictures look nice, and reflects me as a person. I did a little experiment on match.no, where I had one week without a profile photo, and got 15 people checking out my profile. The next week I uploaded a few photos, both face and full-body shots, and got 0 hits that week. Might be coincidence, but it's not exactly helping my confidence.

    http://www.nerdist.com/2013/06/sex-nerd-sandra-96-okcupid-casanova/

    Here's a podcast I listen to that covered online dating with some interesting info on profile building and shit. They talked a bit about pictures and how they can effect your results.
    That podcast was pretty interesting apart from the ADHD ramblings about Game of Thrones, etc. Lots of good tips @djmeph @gnomequeen @jokke @sharkydart. Thanks for posting that link @magic.
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    Fact: No discussion about ASoIaF is ever off-topic.
    MAGIC
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    image
    PinkMAGIC
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    I repeat... not.
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related Icrontian
    I'm noticing that every single person who has kids says something along the lines of "My kid(s) are the whole world to me" in the first line of their profile.
  • PinkPink Colour Sweden Icrontian
    Hehehe dating on the internet. My god have I had some strange experiences doing that (I'll just leave it at that to avoid making this awkward):P

    @djmeph
    Keep your chin up and mate! Your kids are always important and you get respect from me for putting them first.
    djmephCanti
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    Canti said:

    I'm noticing that every single person who has kids says something along the lines of "My kid(s) are the whole world to me" in the first line of their profile.

    And run-on sentences.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    The kids reference is not why I posted that. Having kids isn't why she's single. Writing run-on sentences exactly the way she would say them in real life is why she's single.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    image
    oni_delsRahnalH102midgaWagsFTW
  • djmeph said:

    The kids reference is not why I posted that. Having kids isn't why she's single. Writing run-on sentences exactly the way she would say them in real life is why she's single.

    Yes, because every guy out there views run-on sentences as a deal breaker when it comes to dating.
  • JBoogalooJBoogaloo This too shall pass... Alexandria, VA Icrontian
    edited September 2013
    ardichoke said:

    djmeph said:

    The kids reference is not why I posted that. Having kids isn't why she's single. Writing run-on sentences exactly the way she would say them in real life is why she's single.

    Yes, because every guy out there views run-on sentences as a deal breaker when it comes to dating.
    They certainly could. Though I'm inclined to believe it's more the fragmented sentences.
  • JBoogalooJBoogaloo This too shall pass... Alexandria, VA Icrontian
    I get it, they want to make it clear that their kids will always come first. I also believe that anyone willing to try and spark a relationship with that person would have the common sense to know this (I know, assuming common sense as a standard among the general public can be a no-no). I think the way they phrase it is a bit of an immediate turn off to potential mates. Is there a block or check box in their profile that states "I do/do not have kids"?

    I view this kind of bio statement as:

    Peter: Hmmmm...this profile looks interesting. Jenny's a single mother and working, very cool and admirable. Age, around my own. Attractive, that works. Let's read her bio and see what she's all about.

    Jenny's Bio:
    IHAVEKIDSANDIMTELLINGYOUIMAGOODPARENTANDYOULLNEVERCOMEBEFORETHEMIJUSTWANTYOUTOKNOWTHATUPFRONT!"

    Peter: Uuuuh...Next!
  • GnomeQueenGnomeQueen The Lulz Queen Mountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
    To be fair, there are a lot of douchebags who date single moms/dads and then try and make the kids part of the periphery. But yea, I agree, it's too aggressive.
    JBoogaloo
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