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The Official Icrontic Joke Thread

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Comments

  • ClutchClutch North Carolina New
    edited January 2007
    Oh man PsycoKillr, I saw that coming but I could not help but laugh my ass off. That was a good laugh for the day.
  • PsycoKillrPsycoKillr Mason City, Iowa
    edited January 2007
    >>Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
    >>
    >> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
    >>
    >>"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's
    >>hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
    >>inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
    >>
    >>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    >>
    >>The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
    >>They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
    >>open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil
    >>and leave.
    >>
    >>Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
    >>
    >>"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
    >>
    >>"Yeah!"
    >>
    >>"Did they chop your firewood?"
    >>
    >>"Yep!"
    >>
    >>"Merry Christmas, buddy!"
    >>
    >>(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)
  • DogDragonDogDragon Jacksonville, Fl Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
    thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They
    planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
    their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their
    hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
    their travel schedules. So, the husband left
    Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his
    wife was flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike
    years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he
    decided to send an email to his wife. However, he
    accidentally left out one letter in her email
    address, and without noticing his error, sent the
    email to the wrong address.

    Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had
    just returned home from her husband's funeral.
    He was a Minister who was called home to glory
    after
    suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to
    check her email, expecting messages from relatives
    and friends. After reading the first message, she
    screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed
    into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the
    computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
    Subject: I have Arrived!
    Dearest Love:
    I know you are surprised to hear from me.
    They have computers here now, and you are
    allowed to send email to your loved ones.
    I have just arrived and have been checked in. I
    see that everything has been prepared for your
    arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you
    then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
    was.
    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
  • WingaWinga South Africa Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    Friendship between Women:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

    Friendship between Men:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
  • WingaWinga South Africa Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    Two guys are drinking in a bar.

    One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

    "Sh1t!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."
  • botheredbothered Manchester UK
    edited January 2007
    A Polar Bear and cub were strolling along and the cub looks round at his mother, "Mum, am I a polar Bear?" "of course you are dear", "are you sure I am a Polar Bear?" The mother bear explains "we are all white, we are big and powerful with big paws and sharp teeth, we are good swimmers and we eat seals, of course we're polar Bears, why do you ask?" "because I'm bloody freezing"

    An old one I know but....
  • airbornflghtairbornflght Houston, TX Member
    edited January 2007
    I don't get it.
  • profdlpprofdlp The Holy City Of Westlake, Ohio
    edited January 2007
    I don't get it.
    A true Polar Bear would be unaffected by the cold. A fake Polar Bear would probably move to a warmer clime, like Oklahoma. ;)
  • airbornflghtairbornflght Houston, TX Member
    edited January 2007
    Well, I like to think of Oklahoma as having a varied climate. I don't know many places that shift between 70 degrees and ten hours later being 10 degrees. So if you think about it, we go from 10 degrees or lower in the winter to 115 degrees and 80% humidity in the summer heat. So I get the worse of both worlds. I just wish that the temp would sit right at 75 degrees year long.
  • csimoncsimon Acadiana Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    profdlp wrote:
    A fake Polar Bear would probably move to a warmer clime, like Oklahoma. ;)

    Or chicago! :honoes:
  • profdlpprofdlp The Holy City Of Westlake, Ohio
    edited January 2007
    Oklahoma has two basic types of weather:

    Mud when it's raining, dust when it's not.

    At least that's what Henry Fonda told me. :wave:
  • csimoncsimon Acadiana Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    profdlp wrote:
    Oklahoma has two basic types of weather:

    Mud when it's raining, dust when it's not.

    At least that's what Henry Fonda told me. :wave:

    You meant Henry Scthoburn right? :hiding:
  • profdlpprofdlp The Holy City Of Westlake, Ohio
    edited January 2007
    csimon wrote:
    You meant Henry Scthoburn right? :hiding:
    Holy cow! ;D ;D ;D
  • airbornflghtairbornflght Houston, TX Member
    edited January 2007
    profdlp wrote:
    Oklahoma has two basic types of weather:

    Mud when it's raining, dust when it's not.

    At least that's what Henry Fonda told me. :wave:

    Well, since that pesky dust bowl ended 60 some ago, we have been doing pretty good. Actually, we are sitting on a giant underground aquifer. The water is hard, but plentiful.
  • DogSoldierDogSoldier The heart of radical Amish country..
    edited January 2007
    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Boston, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely GoodLooking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

    There are no men on this floor.

    This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
  • KwitkoKwitko Sheriff of Banning (Retired) By the thing near the stuff Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    Got this one today from my father.
    ---

    A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

    On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and that she was in critical condition in ICU.

    The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

    He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

    He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

    The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver!"

    The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

    The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwin' with you man. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
  • BlueDragonBlueDragon Longwood, FL USA New
    edited January 2007
    this is not ment to be racist i just heard it from a marine friend of mine and had to tell it


    Why are camels called the ships of the desert?

    Because they are full of afganie seamen
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

    Man who run in front of car get tired.

    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

    Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    Man with one chopstick go hungry.

    Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

    Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

    War not determine who right, war determine who left.

    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

    Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

    Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

    Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth. ;D
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    REDNECK POETRY CONTEST

    The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists-a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was: "Timbuktu."
    First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan;
    Men on camels, two by two,
    Destination - Timbuktu."
    The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
    "Me and Tim a huntin' we went,
    Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
    They was three, and we was two,
    So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
    The redneck won hands down!
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    There were two nuns...

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

    A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

    "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
    When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
    "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    Husband who didn't make love with lights on

    A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
    She says, "Honey, how could you do this? All this time you've never told me! Explain yourself immediately!!"
    The husband says, "Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids."
  • botheredbothered Manchester UK
    edited January 2007
    You've probably seen at least dome of these but...

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one.
    ===============

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
    it's still on my desk... sorry....
    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?
    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
    not Bill Gates.
    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
    Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted
    the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
    computer still says he can't find it...
    ============== =

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought
    for me at the 7-11.
    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
    another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
    capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
    == =============

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password is?
    Customer: Five stars.
    ===============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has
    placed a screen saver on my computer, but every
    time I move the mouse, it disappears.
    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
    but how do I get the circle around it?
    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
    with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
    a good point.The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
    under a window, and his printer is working fine."
    ===============
  • PsycoKillrPsycoKillr Mason City, Iowa
    edited January 2007
    > >>It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility
    was
    > almost
    > >>zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her
    car
    > and
    > >>wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car
    while
    > it
    > >>warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered
    her
    > >>daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should
    wait
    > for a
    > >>snow plow to come by and
    > >> follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
    This
    > made
    > >> her
    > >>feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
    went by
    > and
    > >>she started to follow it.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they
    > continued
    > >>and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
    After
    > an
    > >>hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow
    stopped
    > and
    > >>the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her
    to
    > roll
    > >>down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was
    all
    > right
    > >>as
    > >>she had been following him for a long time.She said that she was
    fine
    > and
    > >>told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught
    in a
    > >>blizzard.
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue
    if
    > she
    > >>wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was
    going
    > over
    > >>to
    > >>Sears next
  • WingaWinga South Africa Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    Two old guys, one 80, and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
    The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."
  • shwaipshwaip bluffin' with my muffin Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    >>>>For those of you
    >>>that post jokes directly from the
    emails
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> that have been forwarded, can you
    >please
    >>>take out
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the '>'s?
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    Buying tampons

    Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
    The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
    Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
    The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
    The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"
    The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."
    The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
    The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    Computer wins out in the end


    One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
    Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited January 2007
    FARM BOY WHO NEEDED TO DO HIS CHORES


    A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don"t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
    "Well," his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
  • WingaWinga South Africa Icrontian
    edited January 2007
    Little Johnny

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
    His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

    Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the cable guy wants to buy Mom."
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