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The Official Icrontic Joke Thread

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  • RichDRichD Essex, UK
    edited April 2009
    Here are a couple of short jokes for you.

    A three word joke.

    "Stationary store moves"

    A two word joke.

    "Dwarf shortage"
  • DogDragonDogDragon Jacksonville, Fl Icrontian
    edited May 2009
    A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
    appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now

    need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and

    will use each time he has to log on.

    The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try

    for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

    So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it

    plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

    P... E... N.. I... S...


    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


    ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***



    </pre>
  • DogDragonDogDragon Jacksonville, Fl Icrontian
    edited May 2009
    Grandma's boyfriend

    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
    dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
    don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
    heaven?'

    Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can
    sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious
    programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
    I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
    She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture
    in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of
    the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
    open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The
    minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

    The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom
    bangin' her boyfriend.'

    The minister fainted.
    Now, that's funny;D
  • RedDragonRedDragon CASSELBERRY, FL.
    edited July 2009
    I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

    The Perfect Dump
    Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

    The Beer Dump
    Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

    The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
    Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

    The Empty Roll Dump
    Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

    The Splash Back Dump
    This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

    The Childbirth Dump
    This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

    The Machine Gun Dump
    Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

    The Sound Effect Dump
    You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

    The Cling-On Dump
    You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

    The Whole Roll Dump
    No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

    The Encore Dump
    Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

    The Houdini Dump
    You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

    Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

    Ghost Shit
    You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

    Teflon Coated Shit
    Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

    Gooey Shit
    This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

    Second Thought Shit
    You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

    Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
    This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    Bali Belly Shit
    You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

    Right Now Shit
    You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



    King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
    This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

    Wet Cheeks Shit
    This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

    Wish Shit
    You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

    Cement Block or Oh God Shit
    You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

    Snake Shit
    This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

    Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
    Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

    Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
    You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

    Beer Drunk Shit
    This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

    The Frightened Turtle
    The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

    The Bungee Shit
    The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

    The Ring of Fire Shit
    The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

    The Crippler
    The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    The Big Bobber
    The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

    The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
    The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    The Incredible Hulk Shit
    The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

    The Jack the Ripper Shit
    The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

    The Party Pooper
    The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

    The Toxic Gas Shit
    The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

    Dirty Bowl Shit
    The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

    The Windy City Shit
    When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

    Oh Shit! Shit
    You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

    The Never Ending Shit
    It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    Ouch That Hurt Shit
    The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
  • DogDragonDogDragon Jacksonville, Fl Icrontian
    edited July 2009
    Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

    FREEZER BAGS:
    They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    PHOTOCOPIERS:
    These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons


    TIRES:
    Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

    HOT AIR BALLOONS:
    Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

    SPONGES:
    These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

    TRAINS:
    Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
    EGG TIMERS:

    Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom

    HAMMERS:
    Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


    THE REMOTECONTROL:
    Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
  • DogDragonDogDragon Jacksonville, Fl Icrontian
    edited August 2009
    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
    This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

    To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
    Be strong, honey, I love you, too.” ;D;D;D
  • BobbyDigiBobbyDigi ? R U #Hats ! SoCal Icrontian
    edited March 2011
    So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.
  • ardichokeardichoke Icrontian
    edited March 2011
    I LOL'd.... and also groaned
  • colacola part legend, part devil... all man Balls deep Icrontian
    edited March 2011
    So Pat the Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that out friend Pat has a ship's steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "What's that thing doing in your pants?" Pat replies, "Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"
  • edited March 2011
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone.
  • BobbyDigiBobbyDigi ? R U #Hats ! SoCal Icrontian
    edited May 2011
    Don't worry if you can not think of a joke to tell about The Rapture, It's not the end of the world.

    Source: A screen cap of a random person's Facebook status posted to Reddit by some random person. Do you Care? No, probably not. I hope it made you chuckle.

    -Digi
  • brightbright Icrontian
    Western Canada Joke (Taken from /r/canada)

    Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with Large Breasts.
    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
    No one speaks
    The little old Greek Lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
    The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
    The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
    The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that fucker from Quebec again.
    JBoogalooIlriyas
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