[BLOG] I used to have porn star sex
primesuspect
Beepin n' BoopinDetroit, MI Icrontian
And it was awesome.
Here's the thing: when you slowly get fat over the years, you never really see yourself as a fat person. You see fat people as "other people who are just really fat" and you always think, "Yeah, I've packed on a few pounds over the years, but at least I'm not a fat person." You see fat people as a collective group of people that have their own culture and problems. You see yourself as one of the skinny people; especially when you used to be in good shape, really hot, and used to **** like a porn star.
It sort of sneaks up on you; you look at a picture of yourself and get startled for a second; you try to do something involving physical effort and you get out of breath really fast or your legs start to burn immediately, or maybe you hear the occasional friendly jab about your weight. Sometimes it's a well-meaning friend, sometimes it's your parents, or maybe even a remote acquaintance. You laugh along with them and try to shrug it off.
For me it was all of the above and then some. I went to Chicago to hang out with the IC crew and realized how horribly out of shape I had gotten when we spent the day walking around Navy Pier. I was holding the whole group back. Stairs were a major issue. I was ashamed but I was also kinda scared; had it really gotten this bad? Then I went to Las Vegas to cover CES 2009 with my friends and co-workers. After the first day it got easier, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't in agony walking around that much. Nobody else seemed to be having any issues at all; was it really because I was that out of shape?
I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't gaining any weight. At every point along the journey I told myself "I've maintained this weight for years, at least I'm not gaining" while my pant size continued to increase.
I've not been in complete denial; I've made various failed weight loss efforts throughout the years. It's been hard to watch as many of my friends have gotten motivated and gotten in shape while I continued to languish, but nothing ever seemed to be able to spark the magic neuron that makes people get so sick with themselves that they change their lifestyle.
I had a pretty bad night about a week ago. I wanted to wear something nicer, and went to put on a pair of khaki pants that I just wore in January, and I couldn't button them. That was a serious eye opener. I had to go out at midnight to Meijer and buy the largest pair of pants I've ever owned. If that doesn't send a clear signal, I don't know what does.
My wife left me for a another man in 2005. I've seen pictures of him. He was in much better shape than me. I'd be a fool to think that my weight wasn't a factor in her decision to leave me. We were married for almost ten years and have two kids together, so it can't have been the only thing, but I'm sure it was a significant factor.
I've been single since then. It took about three years for me to get over it, and believe me I was in a deep depression for those three years. I now refer to them as the "lost years". I truly feel like that part of my life was basically wasted. During that time, I gained more weight, and passed the landmark age of 30. I thought to myself, "I am still young. My early 30s should be the prime of my life; I should be out there dating, having fun, taking what I've learned along the way, and being a rockstar." My kids are a bit older now, I have a great deal of freedom, and I've learned a great deal about life. I am the type of person that wants desperately to share this with others. I absolutely hate being alone.
But alone I am. I have made a lot of efforts to try to get a date. I'm quite a social butterfly, I network a lot, I get out and go to events with like-minded people. I've met some awesome girls along the way. It's not like I'm sitting in my house doing nothing and not meeting anyone. I have definitely made some efforts. I have even tried online dating with absolutely no success whatsoever. I tried to blame various things, tried to figure out what was wrong, and even tried to ask people: What is wrong with me?
Nobody has the courage to say it to my face: I'm fat.
Even I didn't have the courage to say it. I'd like to write off a portion of society and say "People are shallow. A good person should be able to see past that." but that would be foolish and naive. This is not a great world, people ARE shallow, and looks are very important; not only on a superficial level, but for what fatness represents. Fatness can mean many things; poor health, a lazy lifestyle, emotional issues, bad genetics, or a bad diet. We're animals; of course we're naturally repelled by these marks of un-health. Why would you want to mate with someone displaying these traits?
I am so, so tired of being alone. I am so, so tired of getting my hopes up that one of the many women that I've been attracted to or made efforts at dating over this last year will finally see past my fat body. I am so, so tired of watching as those same girls become attracted to other (in shape) men or start dating someone else. I am flat out sick of being nothing more than a friend.
I want to **** like a porn star again. If I dropped about a hundred pounds, I would be straight up hot. I am only 32 years old. I should be surrounded by sexy women, doing sexy things, and living a sexy lifestyle. Nobody sees me that way except for myself; clearly something has to change. People think I'm deluded. They giggle and snicker.
The only way I can be having the sex and relationship I want is to lose weight. That's it. That's the one thing that is holding me back.
This is not going to be one of those "rah rah I can do it!" motivational things. I just needed to get this out so I can see it for myself in black and white. I will probably fail at this like I have done so many times before. Don't count on me, don't get your hopes up, and don't tell me you believe in me and I can do it. I'll probably just let you down; more importantly I'll just let myself down again.
I took a late night walk tonight. It was agonizing. I walked for a mile, and actually jogged for 1/8th of it. Walking/jogging at one in the morning solves a few problems; it's cool so I'm not sweating like a pig, I'm alone so I don't have to be embarrassed about my wheezing, and it's dark so strangers don't have to see me flopping around like an asshole. I'll spare the details, but trust me when I say the jogging was not a pretty sight.
(I'm not actually this fat. That's the good news)
I am in so much goddamned pain right now. **** my life.
See you tomorrow night.
Here's the thing: when you slowly get fat over the years, you never really see yourself as a fat person. You see fat people as "other people who are just really fat" and you always think, "Yeah, I've packed on a few pounds over the years, but at least I'm not a fat person." You see fat people as a collective group of people that have their own culture and problems. You see yourself as one of the skinny people; especially when you used to be in good shape, really hot, and used to **** like a porn star.
It sort of sneaks up on you; you look at a picture of yourself and get startled for a second; you try to do something involving physical effort and you get out of breath really fast or your legs start to burn immediately, or maybe you hear the occasional friendly jab about your weight. Sometimes it's a well-meaning friend, sometimes it's your parents, or maybe even a remote acquaintance. You laugh along with them and try to shrug it off.
For me it was all of the above and then some. I went to Chicago to hang out with the IC crew and realized how horribly out of shape I had gotten when we spent the day walking around Navy Pier. I was holding the whole group back. Stairs were a major issue. I was ashamed but I was also kinda scared; had it really gotten this bad? Then I went to Las Vegas to cover CES 2009 with my friends and co-workers. After the first day it got easier, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't in agony walking around that much. Nobody else seemed to be having any issues at all; was it really because I was that out of shape?
I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't gaining any weight. At every point along the journey I told myself "I've maintained this weight for years, at least I'm not gaining" while my pant size continued to increase.
I've not been in complete denial; I've made various failed weight loss efforts throughout the years. It's been hard to watch as many of my friends have gotten motivated and gotten in shape while I continued to languish, but nothing ever seemed to be able to spark the magic neuron that makes people get so sick with themselves that they change their lifestyle.
I had a pretty bad night about a week ago. I wanted to wear something nicer, and went to put on a pair of khaki pants that I just wore in January, and I couldn't button them. That was a serious eye opener. I had to go out at midnight to Meijer and buy the largest pair of pants I've ever owned. If that doesn't send a clear signal, I don't know what does.
My wife left me for a another man in 2005. I've seen pictures of him. He was in much better shape than me. I'd be a fool to think that my weight wasn't a factor in her decision to leave me. We were married for almost ten years and have two kids together, so it can't have been the only thing, but I'm sure it was a significant factor.
I've been single since then. It took about three years for me to get over it, and believe me I was in a deep depression for those three years. I now refer to them as the "lost years". I truly feel like that part of my life was basically wasted. During that time, I gained more weight, and passed the landmark age of 30. I thought to myself, "I am still young. My early 30s should be the prime of my life; I should be out there dating, having fun, taking what I've learned along the way, and being a rockstar." My kids are a bit older now, I have a great deal of freedom, and I've learned a great deal about life. I am the type of person that wants desperately to share this with others. I absolutely hate being alone.
But alone I am. I have made a lot of efforts to try to get a date. I'm quite a social butterfly, I network a lot, I get out and go to events with like-minded people. I've met some awesome girls along the way. It's not like I'm sitting in my house doing nothing and not meeting anyone. I have definitely made some efforts. I have even tried online dating with absolutely no success whatsoever. I tried to blame various things, tried to figure out what was wrong, and even tried to ask people: What is wrong with me?
Nobody has the courage to say it to my face: I'm fat.
Even I didn't have the courage to say it. I'd like to write off a portion of society and say "People are shallow. A good person should be able to see past that." but that would be foolish and naive. This is not a great world, people ARE shallow, and looks are very important; not only on a superficial level, but for what fatness represents. Fatness can mean many things; poor health, a lazy lifestyle, emotional issues, bad genetics, or a bad diet. We're animals; of course we're naturally repelled by these marks of un-health. Why would you want to mate with someone displaying these traits?
I am so, so tired of being alone. I am so, so tired of getting my hopes up that one of the many women that I've been attracted to or made efforts at dating over this last year will finally see past my fat body. I am so, so tired of watching as those same girls become attracted to other (in shape) men or start dating someone else. I am flat out sick of being nothing more than a friend.
I want to **** like a porn star again. If I dropped about a hundred pounds, I would be straight up hot. I am only 32 years old. I should be surrounded by sexy women, doing sexy things, and living a sexy lifestyle. Nobody sees me that way except for myself; clearly something has to change. People think I'm deluded. They giggle and snicker.
The only way I can be having the sex and relationship I want is to lose weight. That's it. That's the one thing that is holding me back.
This is not going to be one of those "rah rah I can do it!" motivational things. I just needed to get this out so I can see it for myself in black and white. I will probably fail at this like I have done so many times before. Don't count on me, don't get your hopes up, and don't tell me you believe in me and I can do it. I'll probably just let you down; more importantly I'll just let myself down again.
I took a late night walk tonight. It was agonizing. I walked for a mile, and actually jogged for 1/8th of it. Walking/jogging at one in the morning solves a few problems; it's cool so I'm not sweating like a pig, I'm alone so I don't have to be embarrassed about my wheezing, and it's dark so strangers don't have to see me flopping around like an asshole. I'll spare the details, but trust me when I say the jogging was not a pretty sight.
(I'm not actually this fat. That's the good news)
I am in so much goddamned pain right now. **** my life.
See you tomorrow night.
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Comments
Are you seriously going to say that to yourself? For the short time I've known you I've never pictured you to be the type to give up before you even get started... Hopefully that isn't too harsh, I just feel like it needed to be said instead of just thought.
of course, you've got more support than anyone could ask for.
You are going to hurt like hell, hate yourself, give up, try again. I have had to come a hell of a realisation recently and this is what you have to realise too...
Once you start down this road, you cannot give up. This is not a 2 year thing till ya cut the weight, changed your diet etc to get to your "target". Once you stop, it all changes back. This is a LIFE changing decision that you have to be prepared to sustain. It's not a project, it's your life.
It's realistic to make the change. I gave up just as many times as you did before I became fit. I hated exercise - I still do. I force fed myself.
But what really helped me? Friends. For the first 6 months of my exercising I ran with a group. About 6 people so I didn't need all of them there every day. But by being with a group I had people come in each night and say 'get off the computer, let's run.' I'm competitive by nature, so I embraced the chance to beat my friends in fitness. But I can honestly say if I didn't run with others, I would still be overweight and unhappy with myself.
People can be greatest catalyst when it comes to working out. You're surrounded by great local people, and you do that 'people' thing well.
You also have the added benefit of a good diet. From my experiences around you, you don't seem to overeat or eat terribly bad. Your diet doesn't seem much different from my own workout-adjusted diet. This is a huge benefit as you won't have to change much of your eating habits (which I found to be almost harder than the actual exercise.) Beer consumption can get you though, it's probably something worth moderating.
Brian, I want to see you lose weight. I want to see you get in shape. I want you to be happy with yourself. You've helped build an incredible community, and your attitude around here is infectious. If you benefit from loosing weight and becoming happy, then we all benefit.
Do it.
I think it's great that you wrote about, & shared, this.
The day will come when sustained motivation will bite you in the ass. I'm certain of it.
Scotty came by with the tantalizing offer of taco bell.
I'm proud to say I made some much smarter choices than I normally do. The fresco chicken burrito supreme is actually tastier than the normal one; they replace the mess of rice and cheese with a picante cilantro/tomato jazz. It tastes better. I'm sold. Got that and a fresco bean burrito, and no drink; came home and made tea instead.
I'm glad somebody besides me recognizes it; I have a better diet than most fat people. The single worst habit I have is my weird sleep schedule, my tendency to skip breakfast, and my late night meal; luckily my thyroid medication precludes me from eating two hours before I go to bed, so it helps keep some of it in check; overall though, I really try to avoid total garbage, packaged products, etc.
I know I talk a big game, but you'd probably all be surprised at how little beer I actually drink. My roommate can back me up on this one; I would say my average is one a week. I rarely drink beer at home, and we don't get out much.
I cut white sugar out of my coffee months ago; I drink more black coffee than anything else.
I have been up and down the diet yo, yo myself. I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty, the only real way to shed pounds is to workout, eat better and have patience. For a single guy, I imagine one of the tricks is what you do when nobody is lookin, you know, home alone, 2AM, perhaps you grab some ice cream from the fridge, its hard to police yourself, especially when you don't feel like things are going your way.
Best diet I have ever been on, and my advise to you, join Weight Watchers and go to a weekly meeting, get on that scale. And you know what, you might kill two birds with one stone because there are going to be far more women at a weight watchers meeting, some of them realy attractive, if a little out of shape. Its a chance to find someone with a common objective, motivate each other. Don't let your guy buddies rib you about it, the Weight Watchers program works, big time, though its a little difficult to follow at first, once you get a routine you will shed pounds, and having the meeting each week will motivate you to be competitive, to step in that meeting and say to your new friends that you did something good this week, and if you don't, they will support you, because they share your pain.
I dropped 45 pounds in a 16 week course, I have stopped taking care of myself as good as I could since and picked up some weight, I need to get back on track. Perhaps we could even help motivate each other a bit.
I'm tellin ya bro, look up a local weight watcher group go to the meetings, and connect with a couple of the ladies in there, if not as a soul mate, to at least find motivation in each other and see where it leads.
Oh, and eat alot of fiber, oatmeal, fiber rich fruits and veggies, certain cereals, its not as bad as it sounds.
So, what are you going to do about it, fatass?
(a heart to heart with my good friend, primesuspect)
Laziness. I don't care if you have ADD, Thyroid issues or depression. Quit being lazy.
Try getting up before noon. Maybe like 7:30am. Like the rest of the world? And stay awake. Go to bed at a decent hour. When was the last time you saw a sunrise that wasn't because you were awake all night?
Start drinking a gallon of water each day. Do it. Your body needs it. And when you are totally sick of water, start drinking two gallons per day. Cut out the sugar (which I believe you have?), cut out the caffeine. Yeah that means no coffee.
Grow some balls. Or get them back from the ex. You will need them for ****ing.
Walk a mile twice a day. It is flat there. If it hurts, burns, whatever, you're doing it right. I KNOW there is a Dr. Pepper mountain bike in your garage. Ride it.
So right about now I bet you're saying, Wutadick. FOCUS!
Listen man, I love you. You and I have been through some similiar shit, we understand eachother. I want you to be happy. I want you to **** hot women. But are you willing to put in some pain, to get there?
The advice people gave above is solid, and there are over 9000 16 week weight loss programs out there. But the bottom line is, if you want to lose weight, you have to get your heart rate up. You have to sweat, you have to feel the pain.
Motivation: What, having sex with hot women ain't enough?
I tell you what. You don't need money to get in shape. We did all of our PT in the Army with just a PT mat (sleeping bag pad, etc). There are plenty of excersises you can do while watching a movie. Lincoln might not be happy you threw all the sumo's out of the media room, but no pain, no gain.
Sexy Librarians don't want to have sex with a fatass.
I tell ya what. Need more motivation?
In a few months a couple Icrontians and I will be on a boat. On a lake. Drinking Mojito's, Bacardi, sippin on champagne. All while looking at hot topless women, having a grand ole time.
You put in a valiant effort to get un-fat and into shape over the next few months, and I will buy your plane ticket here. No jokes, BS or pranks. We can be on a boat this July living the good life.
So, what ya gonna do about it, fatass?
There's a lot of good advice in the replies on this thread. What I'd say would be a combination between what fatcat and Cliff said. My advice is as follows.
1... Look at your self in the mirror butt naked. Don't look yourself in the eyes. Look at your body. Turn around and look at your back too. You need to know what you are up against. Accept the fact that your habits has done that to that body in the mirror. It's not any one thing in particular that has led you to this point. It is your complete life style. Do not beat yourself up about it though. What's done is done. The good news is you can change that body.
Now you need to make a commitment to that body in the mirror to take care of it. You also need to realize that you are in control.
2... Get your sleep straight. Set a time to go to sleep and when to wake up. Stick to it, but be prepared to make adjustments when you need to. Without steady sleep you will have less energy, less focus and determination, and you'll be more emotional leading you to fail more often. No it's not a woman thing as I am a Man. That naked fat body needs its sleep. You cannot make consistently good decisions on a lack of sleep. Plus your not sitting in front of a computer, snacking at late hours.
3..., Almost all diets work and there are hundreds of them. I recommend going with eating only raw vegetables and fruits for one week. Read up on Raw diets. Once your gestational track is flushed around the third or 4th day you'll notice you have a pep in your step you haven't felt in years. Plus it's like someone just oiled all your joints. And for some reason it is like a natural antidepressant. Best way I can explain it. First 2 days suck though. I'm a carnivore so after that first week I work meat back in and have a meat dish every other day.
Get milk, cheese, and other milk products out of you life. If you suffer from any sleep apnia problems, almost all of those will be gone. Even if you are a smoker, no more mucus in your throat when you are trying to sleep.
Bottom line, pick a healthy diet and stick with it till you can trust your determination to eat sensibly. Try different kinds diets when you start to feel burnt out. The long term goal is to develop healthy eating habits and get used to making the better meal choice. Whenever you buy food, ask yourself is there a better choice.
4... Don't lie to yourself. A midnight stroll is just about worthless. You'd burn a ton more fat sleeping on an empty stomach. If you already are thin and eat sensibly, then yes, a late night, sweat-free, walk is great. You need to sweat. Sweat gets toxins out of your body. The less toxins in your system the less stress there is on your body and mind and the better you will think.
My thinking on exercise is, your body will adjust to what ever you want it to be if you work like it is that already. What do I mean? If you want to be a skinny stick, then eat the calories to sustain a skinny sticks body in a day. Eventually you will become that skinny stick. If you want to be fit or buff, then work out like you already are and your body will eventually become that. Quicker than you think. Of course you won't be able to run as fast or lift as much. But try like you can and you will get there.
More importantly:
You need to get out there and sweat with other people. Let them depend on you and you depend on them. For me, tennis was freaking fantastic for weight loss. I sucked at tennis and still do, but chasing that ball shredded the pounds away fast. I lost 50lbs in about 4 months playing tennis 2 to 3 times a week and lifting weights twice a week. Call around and look for a round robin course. It's free and for beginners. And man it's a freaking meat market on those courts. I'm married but once I lost weight, regularly women were approaching me and flirting with me. Eventually I started wearing my wedding ring on the court to avoid those awkward moments. That didn't work all that great either. Eventually I just found a group of just guys to play with. I got tired of all the flirting and not being able to flirt back. Yes you will look ridiculous in shorts running after a ball you can bury in your belly button, but you will be shocked at the support and friendships you will make. Plus, like I said, you will burn a lot of fat swiftly. I think a few months of feeling fat is great for the payoff.
So in recap
Commit
Sleep
Eat
sweat
have sex like a porn star.
But thing is, I am not grossly overweight but I would be called fat. But you know what? I've been losing weight the past week. I think it's because I'm partly depressed. I haven't been eating as much, been throwing myself into my work, and I've been looking better and better. It's weird but maybe not so much; I only got fat after I met my GF. Now that that's over I think I just naturally started to lose weight.
My advice is this:
* Water. Drink it. LOTS of it. And don't drink anything else except maybe some herbal tea. This is the one easiest but biggest and most significant change you can do to your diet that will reap the maximum benefits for something so easy to do.
* during your jog walks, if jogging is too tiring just walk. And walk for like an hour. And enjoy it. I enjoy taking walks; I love being outdoors looking at the scenery. If you are not enjoying your midnigt stroll because jogging drains the fun out of it, you'll give up faster.
* use creative visualization. Anything you do in life is only part physical. The mental aspect should never be ignored. Top athletes know all about this; image training is at least as important than physical training. Picture yourself with your ideal body everytime you wake up and before you sleep. This will help a LOT.
I'm on the way to whipping myself back to shape. I wastes the last three days because I got so depressed, but now I need to up the pace. And I thank you for this blog because it also got me motivated.
I am going to get myslef back to my sexy, fit-shirt-wearing self and woo the girl of my dreams. I need to, because I have a lot of competition; she is very much in demand. But I know I can succeed in this, and I know you can, too.
oopps
The problem with having to loose a lot of weight is getting results quick enough that you don't loose heart. It is just so easy to give up. The only way to do that is through buckets of sweat. So for me, exercising isn't about the type, it's about getting the most amount of sweat out over the longest amount of time.
You have to get out of your comfort zone.
And just in case, I came of rude or anything, I didn't mean to. I seem to be getting blunter as I get older. My support is behind you Prime. I think I was your 1000th follower on twitter.