Last night. I had a dream about Cola. I don't know what caused it. I don't know why it happened to me. All I know is that it was epic and that the dream gods have decreed that I must share it. The dream played out as if I was watching a documentary entitled the life of Cola.
It all started one fine summer day in Minnesota. The sky was blue. The birds were chirping. It was about 40 degrees out, a bit warmer than usual but not uncomfortably hot. Cola started out as a normal boy. Doing things that all the other normal kids do. Then one day he met a man named bowl. Bowl was from Colorado, but he had traveled the world and trained with all the masters. He specialized in the smoke style martial arts, popularized in the 60s. Bowl introduced Cola to martial arts and from there he walked down a path from which he could never turn. He found himself enthralled with learinging to fight. He trained night and day with a newly found passion for life, mastering each style of kung-fu with ease. It was as if he had finally found the reason he was alive.
The real launching point of Cola's career would come not from a recognition of his skill, but by a freak accident that would leave him injured and on the brink of death. It was Cola's first film, a homemade martial arts movie called NART which focused on a final battle between to lifelong enemies. Cola's friend Chemriof held the camera. Foxy K played the role of Cola's arch nemesis. As you all know, homemade videos of this nature have a tendency to go slightly wrong. This one was no different, although the circumstances were quite peculiar.
Due to Cola's rigorous training, Foxy K was of course no real match for Cola. The film was supposed to be a showcase of Cola's talent. HIs god tier mastery of all things kung-fu. Tragedy struck. The final battle scene. The shooting took place in cola's garage. Foxy K fought valiantly, using all he had learned over the years from Bowl (also his master). His attempts were futile however, for even at such a young age Cola possessed a strength far greater than anything seen in the martial arts world.
The end of the battle approached. Cola began the finishing move that he had been developing for the last few months: The inverted flying twistlock of destruction. The move involved locking the legs around an opponent's head and launching high into the air while spinning rapidly. Finally ending by contacting the ground with the opponent's head. Very similar to the standard suplex. For some reason cola's family had just finished installing new counter tops. Marble, with brutally sharp edges. The power and intensity with which Cola performed this move carried him through the wall of his garage and into the kitchen where he tragically and brutally made contact with those sharp marble counters, slicing deep into his neck and displacing a vertebrae. Foxy K of course celebrated his victory...
Meanwhile Cola laid on the ground pondering what had happened to him. Wondering why no one came to help. His family even saw him, but no one did anything to help. Not even a simple call to 911. This is the moment Cola realized that he was alone in life. By sheer force of will he realigned his vertebrae and crawled to the hospital where he eventually recovered. After this incident Cola realized he had to leave the place he called home. He packed his things and left, going out into the world to make a name for himself, without so much as a single goodbye.
Eventually NART got leaked onto the internet, soaring to unprecedented popularity overnight. In a sense this marked the rebirth of the kung-fu genre of films. Directors and movie studios around the country searched far and wide until they had finally found this man named Cola. He was to be the chosen one. The next few years Cola starred in a plethora of martial arts films, some of the more famous ones being: Twisty Flying Nuns 3, That Is Not My Badger, The Nunchaku Revenge Theater, Sitting On A Rock, Mr.Schmidts Grammar School of Death, The Red Wagon Incident. Beach Brawler, Determination of the Beaver, just to name of few.
His films were so popular in fact that they led to an economic recovery after the great recession of America. Things were looking brighter than Ever for young Cola, but he was still alone. He felt more and more alone each day. Wondering when he would find a person worthy of sharing his life with. He was just about ready to give up. To leave behind everything that he had accomplished and wander the world as a drifter. Then he met her. The girl who drinks through long straws. She was quite the gem. Growing up in rural China, she mastered the martial arts at an early age. Going on to develop a special technique using ... straws. Long straws. Typically measuring around 3 feet in length tipped with razor sharp blades. No opponent yet had been able to stand up to her straw style. That is until Cola.
After meeting, they fought in a battle lasting 40 days and 40 nights, neither being able to best the other. It seemed it would never end, until Cola finally realized that this was the girl he had been looking for all of his life. Cola withdrew from the battle and vowed to return to her. He then traveled to the land of the beaver where he took Chinese language courses and mastered the art of romance from a wise sage called AfroBuddha. He eventually returned to her and they starred in many films together, both English and Chinese films.
After creating his final film, the masterpiece simply known as: The Chronicle of Fishhead McKenzie, Cola and the girl who drinks from long straws vanished. No one knows what happened to them. All those who have sought out the great master Cola have returned empty handed. Rumor has it though that if you go to the top of the greatest mountain in the world you can hear the faint echo of two voices slowly drifting along the wind. And the sound of the nectar of the gods being slowly sipped through two long straws.