Never argue with a women

edited March 2004 in The Pub
It's called the Jackson Five N' Under.

I didnt see a joke thread, and thought "what the hell, lets start one!"

Post your gems.
«134

Comments

  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    Can I post my pirate jokes?
  • panzerkwpanzerkw New York City
    edited December 2003
    YO HO! THE PIRAT GUY! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE PIRATE GUY? YO HO! THE PIRATE GUY! ANYBODY WANT TO KNOW THE PIRATE GUY? YO HO! THE PIRATE GUY! EVERYBODY WANT TO KNOW THE PIRATE GUY!


    DO YOU KNOW HEEM?


    DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HEEM?


    There's my pirate joke.
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    WTF?
  • panzerkwpanzerkw New York City
    edited December 2003
    Thrax had this to say
    WTF?

    That was the intended effect.
  • EnverexEnverex Worcester, UK Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    I think one of the required criteria for something to qualify as a joke is that it is supposed to at least try and be funny......
  • edited December 2003
    Tim O'Rieley had taken deathly ill and called his best friend into his room to ask a request of him.
    "Shamus, You've got to promose me that when they lay'n me to me final reward you'll be fur'n givin' me a final drink by pourin' a fifth of the finest Irish whiskey on me grave."
    Shamus solmenly nodded his agreement then stopped to think a moment.
    "Aye, I've no problem with that fur me dear friend and confidant, but let me ask a question of ye."
    Tim nodded weakly, "Aye, ask away."
    Shamus looked at the floor as he shuffled his feet, "Do ye think ye'd mind if'n I filtered it through me kidney's first?"
  • EnverexEnverex Worcester, UK Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    My contribution - http://atomnet.co.uk/?p=jokes - Take your pick.
  • CyrixInsteadCyrixInstead Stoke-on-Trent, England Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    Two goldfish in a tank......




    One says to the other, "you drive, I'll man the gun!!"


    ~Cyrix
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    Oh that's bad. heh.
  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    Did you hear about the Pirates of the Caribean Sequel?

    They say it'll be Rated: Arrrrgghh!
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
    The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

    The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?

    It's ass.
  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    How much does Pirate Corn cost?

    a buccaneer.
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.
    "What's going on here, ma'am?"

    "Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

    "Ma'am. That's your air freshener."
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    Rainy Day Cop

    It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding. The cop says, “Isn't it kind of stupid to be driving so fast in this storm?” The driver says, “Who's stupid? You're the one who's standing out in the rain.”
  • Geeky1Geeky1 University of the Pacific (Stockton, CA, USA)
    edited December 2003
    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
    Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
    Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
  • edited December 2003
    A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods when the bear turned to the rabbit and said "Excuse me Mr. Rabbit but do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit looked at the bear and said "Why, no...I've never had that problem." the bear looked him up and down and said "Good!" and grabbed the rabbit and used him to wipe his rear.
  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    So, a pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel from his ship strapped to the front of his pants.

    The hippy at the bar turns to him and notices, "Heeey maaan, you've got a giant wooden wheel on your fly!"

    "Arrrgghhh!", said the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts!!
  • ketoketo Occupied. Or is it preoccupied? Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

    "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

    "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

    "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

    "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

    Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."



    Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
  • csimoncsimon Acadiana Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    weeweechu ...haha;D
  • Mr_BojinglesMr_Bojingles Northern Michigan New
    edited December 2003
    OMG ;D

    Bear and Rabbit. Best joke I have heard in awhile Geeky. ;D
    I am still laughing after that one ;D

    Of course all the others are quite fine jokes ;)
  • DOSMANDOSMAN Grand Rapids, MI
    edited December 2003
    My Favorite:

    A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication” One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to an albino baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

    "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what’s going on here”

    The missionary replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

    The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, I won’t say anything about the white child, if you don't say anything about the black sheep."

    :eek:
  • DOSMANDOSMAN Grand Rapids, MI
    edited December 2003
    Gotta add a Catholic joke for the Christmas season.


    A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying translations, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the original translation, that the error would be continued in all other copies.

    The head monk says, "We have been copying from copies of the original translation for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

    Hours later, nobody has seen him, so one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asks what's wrong.

    "The word is celeb<b>r</b>ate'"
  • DOSMANDOSMAN Grand Rapids, MI
    edited December 2003
    And finally, a government one


    A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better" said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny as he went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!!! Now I understand the government!! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****"
  • DOSMANDOSMAN Grand Rapids, MI
    edited December 2003
    DOSMAN had this to say
    And finally, a government one


    A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better" said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny as he went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!!! Now I understand the government!! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****"

    EDIT: I forgot...your virgin eyes wouldn't want to see the word ****. Well, try and figure it out.
  • MrBillMrBill Missouri Member
    edited December 2003
    Geeky1 had this to say
    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
    Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
    Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

    LMAO!!! Great Joke! :D
  • CBCB Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Der Millionendorf- Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    Captain Lucky Walks into a bar. He's got a hook on the end of each arm, a peg where each of his legs should be, a parrot on each shoulder, and a patch over both eyes. He walks up to the other pirats at the bar and says, "Aaarrrggghhh! I be twice the pirate that any of ye will ever be!"
  • NorgeNorge Sidney, Ohio
    edited December 2003
    CBDroege had this to say
    Did you hear about the Pirates of the Caribean Sequel?

    They say it'll be Rated: Arrrrgghh!

    CBDroege had this to say
    How much does Pirate Corn cost?

    a buccaneer.

    CBDroege had this to say
    So, a pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel from his ship strapped to the front of his pants.

    The hippy at the bar turns to him and notices, "Heeey maaan, you've got a giant wooden wheel on your fly!"

    "Arrrgghhh!", said the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts!!

    CBDroege had this to say
    Captain Lucky Walks into a bar. He's got a hook on the end of each arm, a peg where each of his legs should be, a parrot on each shoulder, and a patch over both eyes. He walks up to the other pirats at the bar and says, "Aaarrrggghhh! I be twice the pirate that any of ye will ever be!"

    LMAO!!! Those have to be the corniest jokes I've ever heard but I can't seem to stop laughing.

    ;D

    Norge
  • DOSMANDOSMAN Grand Rapids, MI
    edited December 2003
    The drivin' me nuts is so cheezy, yet i can't stop laughing
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited December 2003
    All those pirate jokes are so bad that they're so damn funny.

    I had my whole family laughing their asses off at them. ;D
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