This is why you're single.

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Comments

  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited September 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    LOL, yeah compatibility is definitely not binary, and anyone who thinks so is setting themselves up for failure in their relationships. People like to think that when they are falling in love they are going to be with the same person for the rest of their life, and that's a great goal to have. However, both people are going to change during the relationship and it's important to understand that when going in. Compatibility is not only a dark, grey area, it's temporary, and the future of a relationship has more to do with the ability to adapt and empathize than it does with compatibility.

    I think people try to idealize relationships too much, and that is what causes a lot of problems between couples. As people grow older and their views and their goals change, one person might not think that the relationship has reached that idealist vision they had when they first started dating, or when they first got married, and it causes resentment.

    I did make my post sound very "binary" with compatibility, and I really agree with what you said here about having the ability to adapt and empathize as the relationship and individuals involved change. People do indeed change. some more than others. Being able to be emphatic, being able to forgive, and being able to communicate about problems and disagreements are huge factors in the success of a relationship.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited September 2011
    When it comes to relationships I feel like the cobbler whose children have no shoes. I've seen a lot, and I've learned from the mistakes of the people around me and thankfully, I've dodged a few bullets. I have found that my perspective on relationships is different than most women, and I think that it is hard for some women to accept. Not to mention, like Brian said earlier, that I find most women to be very shallow. It's hard for them to wrap their mind (or their arms) around me and look at things from outside of their idealized view. I'm fat and I don't own a house or drive a BMW. You'd be surprised how much of a deal-breaker that is to most women. My hope is that I will eventually be able to take all of this experience and apply it towards a successful relationship in the future. In the meantime I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of having someone. I think I'm an awesome person. I would want to date me. One day I'll find someone that feels the same way.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited September 2011
    In my opinion, I think a lot of men are just as shallow, if not more shallow than women. Those are just generalities, though, each person is different. Each person is attracted to different types of people.
  • fatcatfatcat Mizzou Icrontian
    edited September 2011
    1 in 6 marriages start online

    4 in 6 divorces start online

    stay single, the odds are against ya :p
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited September 2011
    WagsFTW wrote:
    In my opinion, I think a lot of men are just as shallow, if not more shallow than women. Those are just generalities, though, each person is different. Each person is attracted to different types of people.

    agreed, but i can only speak for myself on that subject.
  • CrazyJoeCrazyJoe Winter Springs, FL Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    I think I'm an awesome person. I would want to date me.

    I agree. Wait, what?;D
  • GargGarg Purveyor of Lincoln Nightmares Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    [...] I have found that my perspective on relationships is different than most women, and I think that it is hard for some women to accept. Not to mention, like Brian said earlier, that I find most women to be very shallow. It's hard for them to wrap their mind (or their arms) around me and look at things from outside of their idealized view. I'm fat and I don't own a house or drive a BMW. You'd be surprised how much of a deal-breaker that is to most women. My hope is that I will eventually be able to take all of this experience and apply it towards a successful relationship in the future. [...]

    What kind of relationships have you been observing? I've found a great deal more variety among women, and none have expected a BMW out of me. I can't help but wonder if some of the women you've met aren't especially shallow (beyond the average human), but it's easy to see it that way when a woman in her 30s is probing to find out if you're family material because they eventually want 2.5 kids, a bungalow, etc.

    Maybe I'm way off base, and I certainly mean no offense. But damn, if most women you meet really are shallow, then maybe it's time to meet entirely different kinds of women. Entirely. Tried hippie chicks? Then all you need is good weed. (it was my turn to generalize)
    djmeph wrote:
    LOL, yeah compatibility is definitely not binary, and anyone who thinks so is setting themselves up for failure in their relationships.

    We're conceptualizing "compatibility" differently. I mean it more fatalistically, that it either works or it doesn't.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I observe all kinds of relationships. For instance, my best friend and his girlfriend of 4 years just broke up. He is my age. They met when she was 19 and, as I predicted, everything started to fall apart when she turned 21. They got into this codependent relationship and it ended disastrously. That seems to happen a lot to my friends.

    I used to really like this girl who I had become good friends with. I let her know how I felt and she did not feel the same way about me. She proceeded to date another one of my friends, (who I don't talk to anymore) who verbally and physically abused her, and treated her like a Saigon whore. I ended up losing respect for both of them, but it really hurts when I think why did she want to be with him over me?

    Then there are my female friends who get into relationships with dudes that they are only interested in a few of their good qualities, which are typically their looks and/or job. The guy doesn't exactly fit their ideal image of what they really want, so they try to change him, and they keep trying, and they get real disappointed that he stays exactly the same.

    Then there are the married couples I know who probably should have seen the signs before they got married, and it's not even a year later one or both of them is already cheating and they are both completely miserable.

    My Aunt and Uncle went through a lot of issues because my Aunt is a Jehovah's Witness and my Uncle grew up Lutheran. I don't think he really cared too much about religion, but he definitely didn't want to be a JW. They were separated for a while, and almost got divorced. My uncle loves her so much that he eventually caved in and adopted her religion, now my family treats him like an alien.

    These are just a few examples, but I've taken from these experiences anything I can learn that will help me. Religious differences can obviously cause a world of problems. I won't let a woman try to change who I am to better suit her idealistic view, and that has caused many problems. I stay away from young girls because I know they will end up resenting me later, and wondering how it would have been different if they had dated other people. I even dated a girl for about a year who started to push me into getting married. The signs were all there that we had a lot of work to do on our relationship, but she insisted that it was the next step and gave me an ultimatum, so I ended it.

    As sad as this may sound, I think I keep running into the same problems with relationships because I'm attracting similar types of girls who are either desperate or extremely insecure. That has only recently started to change for me, partly because I have been working on improving my own self-esteem, and partly because a certain someone has been helping me put myself out there in a way to attract the type of women I want to date. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but at least there is a light at the end of my sad, lonely tunnel.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Oh, here's a doozy for y'all. I once dated this girl whose dad left her mom for another man. She had all kinds of issues, but the thing that really got to me was that she would flip out if I ever acted even the slightest bit effeminate.

    And I've probably dated every single brand of crazy girl that is out there, which is always awesome at first. Then I start to feel like I'm going crazy. The last cray cray girl I dated, the last thing she ever said to me was, "I'M HAVING AN ABORTION! (click)" On a voicemail. Which was weird since I didn't even know she was pregnant.
  • GargGarg Purveyor of Lincoln Nightmares Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    The last cray cray girl I dated, the last thing she ever said to me was, "I'M HAVING AN ABORTION! (click)" On a voicemail. Which was weird since I didn't even know she was pregnant.

    Should just text her back: "acknowledged."
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    That's exactly what she wanted. And she was lying. I had just begun to unravel this huge web of lies she had me believing, so at that point I didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth.
  • GnomeQueenGnomeQueen The Lulz Queen Mountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    I observe all kinds of relationships. For instance, my best friend and his girlfriend of 4 years just broke up. He is my age. They met when she was 19 and, as I predicted, everything started to fall apart when she turned 21. They got into this codependent relationship and it ended disastrously. That seems to happen a lot to my friends.

    I used to really like this girl who I had become good friends with. I let her know how I felt and she did not feel the same way about me. She proceeded to date another one of my friends, (who I don't talk to anymore) who verbally and physically abused her, and treated her like a Saigon whore. I ended up losing respect for both of them, but it really hurts when I think why did she want to be with him over me?

    Then there are my female friends who get into relationships with dudes that they are only interested in a few of their good qualities, which are typically their looks and/or job. The guy doesn't exactly fit their ideal image of what they really want, so they try to change him, and they keep trying, and they get real disappointed that he stays exactly the same.

    Then there are the married couples I know who probably should have seen the signs before they got married, and it's not even a year later one or both of them is already cheating and they are both completely miserable.

    My Aunt and Uncle went through a lot of issues because my Aunt is a Jehovah's Witness and my Uncle grew up Lutheran. I don't think he really cared too much about religion, but he definitely didn't want to be a JW. They were separated for a while, and almost got divorced. My uncle loves her so much that he eventually caved in and adopted her religion, now my family treats him like an alien.

    These are just a few examples, but I've taken from these experiences anything I can learn that will help me. Religious differences can obviously cause a world of problems. I won't let a woman try to change who I am to better suit her idealistic view, and that has caused many problems. I stay away from young girls because I know they will end up resenting me later, and wondering how it would have been different if they had dated other people. I even dated a girl for about a year who started to push me into getting married. The signs were all there that we had a lot of work to do on our relationship, but she insisted that it was the next step and gave me an ultimatum, so I ended it.

    As sad as this may sound, I think I keep running into the same problems with relationships because I'm attracting similar types of girls who are either desperate or extremely insecure. That has only recently started to change for me, partly because I have been working on improving my own self-esteem, and partly because a certain someone has been helping me put myself out there in a way to attract the type of women I want to date. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but at least there is a light at the end of my sad, lonely tunnel.

    I don't think that you need to be female to be shallow. I think that people male, female, gender queer, etc, all end up being about the same amount of shallow. And while it's hard not to, I don't think that comparing yourself to someone else and wondering why you weren't "as good as them" is useless. Everyone finds different things attractive. She wasn't with him because she thought that he was better than you. He just had some sort of quality that you didn't. That doesn't make you worse, it just makes you different. In her case, she might have had some issues that made someone abusive attractive to her, and for that you should pity her. She's probably in a far worse head space than you are when it comes to relationships.

    Go on with your bad self, Norm. The ladies will show up at some point.
  • QCHQCH Ancient Guru Chicago Area - USA Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    How about this...

    HUMANS ARE SHALLOW as a race. There are wonderful people that are not but most have at least some tendencies towards looks. Many rely on the first look and nothing will change their opinion.
  • GnomeQueenGnomeQueen The Lulz Queen Mountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    QCH wrote:
    How about this...

    HUMANS ARE SHALLOW as a race. There are wonderful people that are not but most have at least some tendencies towards looks. Many rely on the first look and nothing will change their opinion.

    That's what I said! :D
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I can only comment on women because I date them, and I don't date men. If women say that men are just as shallow, I'm inclined to agree. However, gay men seem to be more attracted to me than straight women, so how does that work out?
  • LazarusXeroLazarusXero Illinois Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Got here late, but still gonna throw in my two cents...

    I view the whole online dating thing as just another "bar scene" for our generation. People meet at bars because it is a social gathering spot. The web has become that as well. I met my wife (of the past four years) through a website and we traded a couple emails before we setup our first date. I don't consider that website to be an integral part of our relationship and I never understood the stigma people placed on it as such. We met there, but our relationship started when we had our first date and it continued in the "real world" from then on.

    The way you meet someone is irrelevant to the relationship as a whole, in my opinion, whether it is a bar, the library, a party, online, a dating site, or in a massive dubstep orgy. It's what you do after that counts.
  • JokkeJokke Bergen, Norway Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I can only comment on women because I date them, and I don't date men. If women say that men are just as shallow, I'm inclined to agree. However, gay men seem to be more attracted to me than straight women, so how does that work out?

    I call this the Beard Attraction Syndrome, where a beard grows in a certain length and fashion, so the electrons and molecules gather in large concentrations between the hairs, leading to an effect not unlike the one found in magnets. Women want to stroke it, men just wish it was theirs, and they're both equally attracted to it. To some weaker souls, the sheer awe of being presented such a force sadly leads them to steer away. Women, often being quoted as "the weaker sex" (I'm not debating the authenticity of this "weaker sex" theory) can't handle the force, but many men can.
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Jokke wrote:
    I call this the Beard Magnet Syndrome, where a beard grows in a certain length and fashion, so the electrons and molecules gather in large concentrations between the hairs, leading to an effect not unlike the one found in magnets. Women want to stroke it, men just wish it was theirs, and they're both equally attracted to it.
    This is true and it's science.
  • MAGICMAGIC Doot Doot Furniture City, Michigan Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    djmeph wrote:
    This is true and it's science.

    Seconded.
  • PirateNinjaPirateNinja Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. - Lao-Tzu

    Someone put that on facebook and I immediately thought of this thread / topic.
  • Cliff_ForsterCliff_Forster Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I met my wife in an AOL chat-room in the 90's. There is a certain honesty to just chatting blind, then talking on the phone without a BS profile to present yourself as something you are not in hopes that its going to drive more interest. People used to date without any false expectation going in, and it probably aided in people actually getting to know each other better, you know, for real without this layer of internet BS to drive a false preconception that ultimately serves to disillusion.

    This post inspired me to look at the OKCupid profiles just to see what my single friends are working with. I have to say, my BS detector is going full blast on that site. Another thing, most profiles make the current generation of twenty somethings seem to be really self obsessed, not the kinda thing you want in a partner. If I were dating I'm not sure I would spend allot of time on OKCupid. Let me summarize the typical female OKCupid profile.....

    "Look guys, I'm a prize, I'm brilliant, I read all the time, I enjoy eating all kinds of exotic hipster food, love expensive wine, I'm working on my second graduate degree, and I'd love for someone to take me places, travel the world with me and be my Prince (be good looking, funny, brilliant, financially better off than me)....But..... I really don't need a guy because I'm just so gosh darn independent and brilliant and sophisticated all by myself, but come on, be my Prince anyway, I'll likely talk down to you to make you feel unimportant because I'm a woman that has to let you know how unnecessary you are to validate my own independence, but you know, I'm awesome and I deserve a Prince that will want to take care of me anyway...." Insert cute image, possibly with a tasteful amount of cleavage, and wait for the suckers to line up!

    Skip this BS festival and get to the point with women.

    My suggestion has and always will be,

    A. Be yourself, don't comprise on who you are.

    B. Determine what things your passionate and find someone that shares it (its okay if a little more or less, but enough that you know they are not looking to change that about you). Music lovers should look for other music lovers. My wife and I watch baseball and football games together, we like similar music (for the most part), and she and I both like science fiction movies and TV shows as well. It's more important than it sounds, trust me, these common passions are a huge key to success. This should narrow your search, identify your #1 passion and search in community's, or places that share that interest vs. looking all over the place. It's not to say that people can't bring new experiences to the table, but just know what passions you are not willing to compromise on and make sure your date shares it to some reasonable extent.

    C. Don't over-analyze any relationship. Trust your better instincts. If something feels off, don't spend allot of time trying to fight it, when you find mutual happiness, trust me, you will know.
  • QCHQCH Ancient Guru Chicago Area - USA Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Jokke wrote:
    I call this the Beard Attraction Syndrome, where a beard grows in a certain length and fashion, so the electrons and molecules gather in large concentrations between the hairs, leading to an effect not unlike the one found in magnets. Women want to stroke it, men just wish it was theirs, and they're both equally attracted to it. To some weaker souls, the sheer awe of being presented such a force sadly leads them to steer away. Women, often being quoted as "the weaker sex" (I'm not debating the authenticity of this "weaker sex" theory) can't handle the force, but many men can.
    We need a "+1" or "Like" feature... I'd +1 that post! :D
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I'd hit that post. I'd hit it and marry it.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Cliff, please tell us how you really feel...

    Not all OkCupid profiles are the same. Not sure which girls you were looking at on there. Those are generalities of the "fake" people on there. There are plenty of real people with awesome profiles like Norm's and mine. ;) Not all girls are superficial, and stereotypes set people up to fall within them. Maybe some girls are looking for attention on there, but everyone is their own individual. Maybe the friend of yours that has their okcupid profile set up is looking for someone like that, and that's why you were seeing them. There are people of all kinds on dating websites, on the street, at the bar, and everywhere else. Sometimes you see superficial people, sometimes you see down to earth people. That's the beauty of the world.
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Wow, it's like there could be fakers on OKCupid just like real life. Amazing revelation.
  • WagsFTWWagsFTW Grand Rapids, MI Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Thrax wrote:
    Wow, it's like there could be fakers on OKCupid just like real life. Amazing revelation.

    Exactly my point. So how are people that have online dating profiles different than people you encounter in real life? They are the same people.
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    Exactly my point. :)
  • djmephdjmeph Detroit Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I actually have to slightly agree with Cliff. I do see a lot of what he saw. It took effort to both find and attract the type of women I am looking for. Part of that has to do with the Q&As. They determine which people show up in your searches, and the Q&As definitely tend to "lump together" people of different stereotypes. I've also heard a lot of women say that they get bombarded with one word messages and creepy dudes instant messaging them every time they go on. It can be off-putting to someone who doesn't know how to use it properly, but it takes effort to figure it out, and in the end, that makes it all the more worthwhile.
  • BetsyDBetsyD Cincinnati, OH Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    CB & I met on Yahoo Personals. I can't speak for how OKCupid sorts people, but from Yahoo I met all sorts of different types of guys (yes some of them were creepy, but most of the *really* creepy people weren't willing to pay for the service and it was fairly easy to ignore "Pokes" or whatever free interaction was called) Without an online profile CB & I likely never would have met, we didn't revolve in intersecting circles at all and neither of us went out looking for people.

    But really whatever works for people is what they should do, it doesn't sound like it would be a good fit for Cliff, but for some people it can turn into a good long term relationship.
  • TimTim Southwest PA Icrontian
    edited October 2011
    I have been on match.com, and if I send out 100 messages, for example, I can predict pretty well the 2-3 women who will go the farthest with me in communication, even if we never meet. It is almost always the fattest / ugliest ones that I send messages to. No hot babes ever write back. Even when I lie about my income and other things to look better.
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