[BLOG] bits and pieces of a man who lost his way

fatcatfatcat Mizzou Icrontian
edited November -1 in Community
scattered thoughts....

I quit smoking 5 days ago, on my 32nd birthday. I had quit two times before, and was sure I had a pretty solid plan this time. Today, on the fifth day without a cigarette, I snapped.

Someone said something, a single sentence, and I snapped. I needed a cigarette now! Luckily I had been smart enough not to keep and secret stash around, for I am proud to say I still have not had one.

But I wanted one bad. And I couldn't get my mind off it. I decided to go for a walk. I can't afford to just go break things. So I walked. My thoughts were scattered and racing in from everywhere...

"Why did I snap?" "Why can't I beat this?" "Why do I still care?" "Why am I walking alone?"

I consider myself a pretty tough guy, physically and emotionally. I joined the military at 17. I've been married and divorced. I have two children. My son had open heart surgery at five days old. I've watched my best friend die from a heart attack at 26. I can handle things.

But with all those events in my life, I had cigarettes.

Am I to lie to myself, and say I have no armor, no shield, no defense against stress anymore because I quit smoking? Am I going to become a moody, cranky person now around friends and family? Will I burn another bridge?

I know I can do this. I know I can quit. But right now I'm not so sure.

In a few weeks, I will be going on vacation to relax, visit friends and family. Will I be ready? I want to be over this addiction. I don't want to hurt anyone. Should I just be a coward and stay home?

I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. Right now I've just lost my way.

Greg

Comments

  • Cliff_ForsterCliff_Forster Icrontian
    A friend of mine from the old neighborhood, a little older than me growing up, used to volunteer as an Umpire at little league games, nice guy.

    To be honest, he was obese, did not take good care of himself at all. I would guess six foot even, probably near 350 pounds.

    Walking around in my childhood neighborhood I ran into him. He had to have lost 100 plus pounds, still a little chunky, but nowhere near where he was. So I say to him, hey you look good bro, what you been doing?

    So, he says he saw the Doc. and him was informed that if he did not make some changes, he was as good as dead. The Doc. did not mince words with him, told him it was up to him.

    So, he cuts the junk food, stops drinking beer, quits reefer, and starts going for morning and evening walks, each day, rain or shine. He told me, "you wanna see the one vice I can't figure out how to leave behind?" Then he pulls out half a pack of Marlboro's. So here we have, a man with all the will power in the world, and he told me, he had gone from two packs, to about eight cigarettes a day, but quiting alltogether was prooving extremely difficult. He went on to say that he thought the people in charge of the cigarette company's should all be jailed. Obviously designed to do as they do to folks.

    Good news some months later I saw him and he had finally quit the cigarette habit, and kept the weight off to boot. Point is, it can be done, but even a guy loaded with will power struggles.

    I know my grandfather quit after years smoking, he nearly kept the wrigley chewing gum factory in business all by himself.
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