[BLOG] Coming out of hibernation
primesuspect
Beepin n' BoopinDetroit, MI Icrontian
Well something definitely changed between the last two nights and this one. Anybody want to offer their expertise here?
1) I ate a very high protein breakfast consisting of chicken breast and baked beans
2) I had a high protein lunch consisting of month-expired rotten bacon
3) I had a high carb dinner of tomato soup and noodles
4) I drank a lot of water today
5) I drank a bunch of cups of green tea with no sugar today
You tell me. I swear if it's the rotten bacon I'll be pissed.
After the half mile mark I knew it was gonna be alright; I felt great. I had originally decided on 1.5 miles because of my shitty last two nights, but at the .75 mark I kept going. I ended up going three miles, and I'm not out of breath, not sore, not tired, I actually feel fantastic.
Please don't let it be the rotten bacon. It tasted like sadness and nightmares.
I think doors are beginning to open for me. I'm beginning to see things stir and shudder; like a bear coming out of hibernation, the first rustle before he begins shaking the ice off of his fur. They are all small hints, subtle changes, but they are undeniable. There are ever so slight physical details that I'll spare you; but I am beginning to see the difference. The same goes for my emotional state. Like lighting a fire begins with the cracking of two stones—a few sparks are made and one begins to understand how they might catch the kindling. I have finally found dry kindling. I have finally found two stones. I begin to lose the despair that I will ever find someone, that my dreams of hot orgies surrounded by beautiful people will go forever unfulfilled, that someone will never again look me in the eye and tell me that they love me.
Most people are familiar with the classic stages of grief. I believe there are a different set of stages for people who have become fat. I realized that there was a point when I was bitter towards others, like those who had it better than me; those who were loved; those who were having sex; those who were attractive, motivated, successful, and happy.
I got over that a while back, but my journey was nowhere near complete. The next stage was self-loathing. I no longer begrudged other people their happiness and hotness, I simply hated myself. I forgave others for accomplishing what I couldn't, and just sat there and beat myself up over it.
Then came the despair. I wanted so desperately to be loved, not realizing that I had created a paradox—for a time nobody could love me because I did not love myself. I learned to let go of my self loathing and began to remember that I was lovable, that I did have good qualities, that I am a great person.
Now, the despair is ending. I can't tell you what sparked it, even though I've re-read my first journal entry several times. I honestly can't think of what changed. But, as you know, things did indeed change.
I don't know what this next stage is; it's certainly not the end, but it's a step closer to being able to have the things I want again.
And for those who have been inquiring: yes, I saw rabbits tonight, and last night, and every single night before this.
1) I ate a very high protein breakfast consisting of chicken breast and baked beans
2) I had a high protein lunch consisting of month-expired rotten bacon
3) I had a high carb dinner of tomato soup and noodles
4) I drank a lot of water today
5) I drank a bunch of cups of green tea with no sugar today
You tell me. I swear if it's the rotten bacon I'll be pissed.
After the half mile mark I knew it was gonna be alright; I felt great. I had originally decided on 1.5 miles because of my shitty last two nights, but at the .75 mark I kept going. I ended up going three miles, and I'm not out of breath, not sore, not tired, I actually feel fantastic.
Please don't let it be the rotten bacon. It tasted like sadness and nightmares.
I think doors are beginning to open for me. I'm beginning to see things stir and shudder; like a bear coming out of hibernation, the first rustle before he begins shaking the ice off of his fur. They are all small hints, subtle changes, but they are undeniable. There are ever so slight physical details that I'll spare you; but I am beginning to see the difference. The same goes for my emotional state. Like lighting a fire begins with the cracking of two stones—a few sparks are made and one begins to understand how they might catch the kindling. I have finally found dry kindling. I have finally found two stones. I begin to lose the despair that I will ever find someone, that my dreams of hot orgies surrounded by beautiful people will go forever unfulfilled, that someone will never again look me in the eye and tell me that they love me.
Most people are familiar with the classic stages of grief. I believe there are a different set of stages for people who have become fat. I realized that there was a point when I was bitter towards others, like those who had it better than me; those who were loved; those who were having sex; those who were attractive, motivated, successful, and happy.
I got over that a while back, but my journey was nowhere near complete. The next stage was self-loathing. I no longer begrudged other people their happiness and hotness, I simply hated myself. I forgave others for accomplishing what I couldn't, and just sat there and beat myself up over it.
Then came the despair. I wanted so desperately to be loved, not realizing that I had created a paradox—for a time nobody could love me because I did not love myself. I learned to let go of my self loathing and began to remember that I was lovable, that I did have good qualities, that I am a great person.
Now, the despair is ending. I can't tell you what sparked it, even though I've re-read my first journal entry several times. I honestly can't think of what changed. But, as you know, things did indeed change.
I don't know what this next stage is; it's certainly not the end, but it's a step closer to being able to have the things I want again.
And for those who have been inquiring: yes, I saw rabbits tonight, and last night, and every single night before this.
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Comments
ps stay away from foods high in carbs if you dont burn them they turn to fat!!
- this blog post
- the grand canyon
- your new attitude!
for serious, what a turnaround. it warms the cockles of my heart to see you feeling so good!
But most people don't hit the wall until they've burned A LOT of calories (what is it, like 1500?). There may be (and it's more likely that there are) other mechanisms that are causing your pain. I don't really know a lot about that.
Jokerz is right, too. If you don't burn those carbs, your body will convert them to fat - which has a much more efficient energy-per-volume ratio.
Also, I've been following your runningfor a bit, and all I gots to say is: good man! I'll go for a run or two with you at EPIC if you plan to keep it up.
Oh yeah, the next step
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