Esti and Jackie yell about Star Wars
GnomeQueen The Lulz QueenMountain Dew Mouth Icrontian
edited December 2017 in Lifestyle
In the tradition of the Toast...
Warning: will contain spoilers for all Star Wars.
Jackie: Should I go to the store or go see The Last Jedi again?
Esti: That's a tough one. I really want to see it again but I want to finish rewatching the other ones first.
Jackie: Hmm, I rewatched them all before I saw The Force Awakens, but maybe I should do it again. I'm clearly forgetting a lot of things.
An hour later:
Jackie: OH god why am I rewatching the Phantom Menace
Jackie:I have so many questions
Jackie: 1.) Why did they think a tax disagreement was a compelling way to start the movie?
Jackie: 2.) On the other hand, concerning the current US political tax issues...I kind of get it. But really? There's no better way you could have STARTED this?
Esti: They say "bureaucrats" a lot in that movie.
Jackie: 3.) Why so much CGI
Esti: Because the 90s
Jackie: 4.) Is Jar Jar Binks racist?
Esti: Yes! But in that way that was less obvious back then
Jackie: 5.) Who elects a 14 year old as their queen
Esti: Yea, Naboo has terrible ideas about government. Also their queens are elected but their senators are appointed
Jackie: 6.) Rat tails are fucking stupid
Esti: I am so sorry you are watching it but also I appreciate that I now have someone to talk about it with.
Do yourself a favor and fast forward through the whole pod race scene.
Jackie: 7.) This movie is a terrible waste of Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson
Jackie: 8.) Is this how the expanded universe treats the Jedi? Cuz man they suck
Jackie: Also isn't the core of a planet always going to be molten, if it's a solid planet?
Esti: Not clear whether that is the planet core or just a Gungan landmark.
Jackie: MAN this make the new movies look good.
Esti: It really does.
Jackie: Why is Amidala the only one who wears elaborate costumes in this dumb government.
Esti: Those orange ombre robe things the handmaids wear are pretty
Jackie: Oh hi Keira Knightly
Jackie: Why is it part of Naboo's thing that they only elect 12 year olds? I remember her replacement also being a child
Esti: George Lucas came up with a plot and couldn't be bothered to do basic math until the script was finished so she had to be super young or else her relationship with Anakin would be even more fucked up?
Jackie: According to Wookiepedia, "The Naboo often elected young women, believing they possessed a form of pure, childlike wisdom that the adults lacked."
Esti: OH god that makes all the other sexist shit in the movies even worse. How did Lucas go from badass Leia to that?
Jackie: I mean this IS the guy that wouldn't let Carrie Fisher wear underwear.
Jackie: I need to learn how to braid. I do like the continuity of the hair braiding for Skywalker women. Man this poor kid playing Anakin. He's adorable. These movies ruined his life.
Esti: It is midnight and I just started Empire Strikes Back oops
Jackie: Why do you think they did this dumb podracing BS instead of Qui Gon using his Jedi powers to get something else. He can't use them on this bug guy, but couldn't he go down the street and ask someone for credits?
Esti: That pod race nonsense is just like the dragon scene in harry potter 4. Or where the Weasley house gets torched for no narrative reason. Some stupid person gave them too much effects budget.
Jackie: Ugh just like the Hobbit movies. How do you braid your hair when you can't see it?
Esti: Practice. The Force.
Jackie: Ugh, virgin birth. Thank god they take Midiclorians out of the new movies.
Esti: Yea, seriously. They are only mentioned once more in the prequels and it's vague.
Jackie: I liked how Luke introduced it in the new movie. About how the force was what connected living things and it belonged to everyone and everything. Although, I thought that Rey took to it a little fast in those scenes. But I guess that's the whole point, that the whole Jedi teaching was kind of over the top and you just need to feel the force and experience it.
Esti: The old school Jedi way was sort of a bad idea. Especially the celibacy. The extended universe stuff definitely seems fine with Luke having ladyfriends so presumably new Jedi don't care about that so much.
Jackie: Which is why the core ideas of the prequels are good! Someone struggling to find their place among such a restrictive system.
Jackie: OMFG the two headed pod announcer guys, could you fucking not Lucas?
Jackie: Do you think if two Jedi bang and they're really into they start moving things with the force accidentally?
Esti: I sure hope so
Jackie: We need someone who's read the extended universe. I don't want to Google this at work.
Jackie: IC people say no, because they're children's books. I've decided they break stuff.
Esti: I bet fanfic has explored this thoroughly.
Jackie: What is with Amidala's weird queen voice
Esti: Oh god it's so awful. They stop trying to give her an accent after that movie. The next one has an accent, but it's her own I think.
Jackie: God the old Jedi were dicks. "HE'S AFRAID OF THINGS HE CAN'T BE A JEDI." Wtf do they expect force sensitive people to do if not be Jedi. No one can possibly learn to use it on their own? Like just cause they reject him doesn't mean he can't learn to use it anyways. No, I guess they assume people can't learn about it without them.
Esti: Yeah, as you pointed out one of the good points about those movies is they show why the Jedi sucked and their traditions needed to end.
Jackie: Esti do the midiclorians speak to you? Qui-Gon "The midiclorians will speak to you." Anakin, "I don't understand."
Jackie: LOL you're not the only one, Ani.
Esti: Midiclorians sounds like some term I learned in high school bio and then promptly forgot. Like they clean skin cells or something.
Jackie: The prequels are like what you said. When someone has a lot of ideas and no editors. They're George Lucas's fanfiction.
Jackie: You know half the problem with the trade issue being the core part of this is that they called the bad guys the trade federation. That's not good name for an enemy. It sounds like you're arguing with the DMV or something. It makes it sound a lot pettier. Call them an empire or a kingdom or a force or something.
Esti: Hahaha I love the idea of the galactic DMV as the bad guy
Jackie: My computer crashed. It can't handle the prequels.
Esti: That is a totally fair reaction.
Jackie: OMG, Anakin defeats the entire robot army.
Jackie: "I don't think you're going to have your trade franchise anymore." God the writing is just so so bad.
@Annes: Jackie, why are you watching the Attack of the Clones? C'mon.
Jackie: I decided to rewatch before seeing The Last Jedi again. I'm not sure why. I'm in pain.
Annes: It's fine! Just bask in the disappointment of The Fetts not being the hottest people on the planet. Totally mediocre and there's a million of 'em.
Jackie: Thank god they stopped using clones. Finn is A++
Annes: Mmmmm. Agreed. Get me on the Finn/Poe sandwich
Jackie: Right? Especially cause I think Poe is the only new cast member who has ever been laid
Jackie: So I was just talking to Anne....now I'm wondering-- when do you think the Star Wars characters lost their virginities? Who had been laid before their first Star Wars appearance?
Jackie: Han Solo, Leia? Poe. Qui-Gon. Samuel L. Jackson. Holdo.
Esti: Chewbacca, probably Rose. Lando.
Jackie: You think Rose?
Esti: Yea, she's a normal adult and she's confident.
Jackie: That kiss she gave Finn was so anemic, though.
Esti: She was about to pass out! I think she had a totally normal life with boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever during mechanic training.
Esti: Oh, everyone in Rogue One had definitely been laid.
Jackie: Oh good point
Esti: Hux has definitely never been laid. And I think yes on Leia, definitely not a sheltered princess. Plus her dad is a cool dad so she probably got to party.
Jackie: Padme probably banged between I and II, right?
Esti: Definitely. Oh, and Phasma isn't a virgin either. But she kept her mask on.
Jackie: Maz Kanata. Lots of sex obviously. When do we think Obi-Wan was devirginized?
Esti: While he was training Anakin. They had an adventure on some random planet and there was a bar/brothel and they got carried away. But Anakin was all like "noooo I love Padme." So Just Obi-Wan. Who was really a terrible Jedi trainer. So Ani got super drunk and Obi got hella laid.
Jackie: You know I bet he got all nice guy about that, Anakin. That Padme didn't wait for him.
Anakin: why didn't you save yourself for me?
Padme: you were like 10??
Anakin: it just doesn't feel as special now
What we want padme to say: oh go Fuck yourself
What she really says: I'm sorry Annie, I wish I had waited for you. Prequels suck.
Jackie: Oh right. OH man, Maz Kanata and Yoda definitely banged at some point right? New Head canon.
Esti: OH yes, that happened.
Jackie: If they didn't bang, it's only because she's a lesbian. But I feel like if you live that long you just do everything, right?
Esti: Yea, and also she definitely implies she's slept with the code breaker guy.
Jackie: Oh does it? I missed that. LOL Maz getting it on with Justin Theroux. I'm trying to imagine that.
Esti: The topic of which species are sexually (and/or reproductively) compatible in the star wars universe is probably really fascinating. But also the parts of the internet that talk about it are almost certainly terrifying.
Jackie: Time for some Attack of the Clones.
Jackie: Rose Byrne! I forgot she was in here.
Jackie: Why does Padme have a flower vase in her hair
Jackie: Ohhh yea. This Kenobi has def gotten laid
Jackie: Okay so....Padme is 24 and Anakin is 19. Ewww.
Jackie: "Ani? my goodness you've grown!"
"you'll always be that little boy I knew in Tattooine"
Jackie: Ew ew ew.
Jackie: God Ani is a shit from the very start of this movie
Esti: Right?? It bothered me so much more thans time than ever before.
Jackie: So when we rewrite this, let's make them closer in age.
Jackie: ew ew ew ew! "She covered the cameras. I don't think she likes me watching her." WHAT THE FUCK ANAKIN
Jackie: ewww_"I'd rather dream of Padme than my mom"_
Esti: It is all just building up to his best (worst) moment... the sand speech.
Jackie: Do you think that George Lucas was TRYING to make the most unsympathetic character ever
Esti: Nope I think he totally thought he was writing a hero
Jackie: Christ that doesn't say good things about him
Esti: Nope, or the late 90s.
Jackie: Was he sympathetic then?
Esti: No, but I think his awfulness stood out less because lots of male characters were written that way.
Jackie: God Anakin is the definition of petulant brat. Thank god they took Kylo Ren away from George Lucas
Jackie: Is it just me or are none of the extended chase scenes in Star Wars entertaining at all? God even when Anakin is trying to be sincere he sounds fake
Esti: No, they are all boring. The only chase scene in all of cinema that is not boring is the entirety of Fury Road.
Jackie: Do you think if Anakin had gotten laid earlier he'd be less of a shit
Esti: Hmm. Maybe? He definitely could have benefited from a distraction from his childhood crush turned creepy fixation.
Jackie: I don't get it, why did the council sense Anakin's problems as a child but as a teenager they're confused. Teenagers are not subtle
Esti: If he'd been at actual Jedi academy instead of under the dubious tutelage of a wandering pseudo-heretic they would have noticed.