[BLOG] Misery

primesuspect

This was the worst walk I've been on since the first night. I don't know what I'm doing wrong lately, but I feel like there have been some major setbacks.

Yes, I still walked almost 2 miles tonight, and that's fine, but every step was agony. I'm getting the same kind of muscle cramps in my calves that I used to get on my first few nights. I feel like I'm starting over. It hurts so bad to walk more than a block or so. It's so discouraging because for a while, this pain was a thing of the past.

I was bad with my water intake today, could that have something to do with it? I had a beer this afternoon. Could that have something to do with it? Other than those discrepancies, it was a normal day for me.

To add to my horrendous mood, it is pouring rain out there right now. Also, I decided to try adding music to my walks, to distract me and make things go better. My head is in a better space when I'm lost in music. I couldn't find my old iPod shuffle, so I took my PSP. Well, let me tell you that the PSP is great at many things, but it is the worst audio player I've ever used. Every button (including the hypersensitive shoulder buttons) seems to change things, either skip a track, rewind, stop, shuffle, whatever; point being, while the PSP was in my pocket being jostled by my movement, the song kept stopping or changing. Every slight nudge changed the track. This was a bad idea.

I know a lot of people read this, even if they don't comment; this is for those of you who are struggling along on this journey with me. We all have those nights where we want to give up; this was definitely one of them. I got to the end of my street and I was soaked, pissed off, in pain, and completely dejected. I wanted to turn around, say '**** it', and come home.

It wasn't pretty, and I can't romanticize it with some flowery speech about motivation and rah-rah bullshit. It ****ing blew. I hated every second of it. I am in a terrible, foul mood.

But I didn't turn around. I kept walking. Call it what you want. Maybe I am just so disgusted with what I've become that I see this as a form of penance. Maybe I keep trying to lose myself in the present moment and find my hidden buddha nature. Maybe I just want to ****.

But it's more. I want to be held again. I want to be wanted. I want to be touched, and loved, and told that I am attractive. I used to have these things, and I want them back. I let myself get here, and now this is the price I have to pay to get my life back.

I get told all the time what a great guy I am. How cool, how nice, what a great father, what a great friend, I'm talented, I'm smart, I'm blah blah blah blah blah.

Ugh, I'm so pissed I could scream right now.

I'm not sexy. I'm not hot.

But **** that. I will be.

fatcat

Cramps happen in muscles from lack of water and potassium.

GnomeQueen

I recommend bananas!

poofie

i really admire your strength of will. i'd say it was inspirational, but then i almost sound like a mushy greeting card, so i'll skip that. instead i'll say that the last 12?ish sentences sounded exactly like me, a year ago... well, except the father part. when i started changing my habits, i told people i'm doing what i'm doing to get healthy, to be a better person, to be around a long time, blah blah blah... when really i just wanted to be hot. to feel GOOD about myself. maybe even turn a few heads and raise a few eyebrows.

just sayin'... i'm picking up what you're laying down.

MiracleManS

Cramps most likely happen with the potassium/water imbalance type of thing, there's also the possibility of magnesium not being perfect.

When I played football in high school I had the absolute WORST time with calf cramps. By the 3rd quarter of the game, I'd barely be able to hit full speed without my calf cramping bad enough to cause my foot to be locked pointed down.

Eventually, someone (my brother) suggested taking a potassium/magnesium supplement. Every time I took one of those and stayed hydrated, I never had a problem with cramps. When I forgot, you betcha they were there.

That would be my suggestion, along with the fluid intake.

jokerz4fun

It is true what your friends have said about cramps, but also keep in mind YOUR SHOES SUCK!!!! I know moneys is really tight but Brian you need a good walking shoe or this will keep happening to you. Remember I used to manage a shoe store(insert Bundy jokes here)but I can tell you the neg effects of poor foot support.

Hang in there Buddy I'm proud of you and everything youve done. You have come a long way and I know you'll reach your goal.

Winfrey

Bad shoes can make walking distances very miserable.

scott

Hey buddy
You are doing great. Not every day will be great. Bummer, get over it !
The hydration and Electrolytes are more than likely causing your cramps. Look up potassium rich foods and find some you like. Drink lotsa fluids, Gatorade is good.

But think about this..
You said

I get told all the time what a great guy I am. How cool, how nice, what a great father, what a great friend, I'm talented, I'm smart, I'm blah blah blah blah blah.

Think of all the skinny people that are just plain jerks ! They will always be jerks, YOU MY FRIEND can get in shape !

We are with you buddy

Scott

UPSLynx

Truth above.

No, I doubt the beer you had at Foran's made a difference. But lack of water can certainly do it.

With water, I recommend that you just keep drinking all day long. I keep a nalgene bottle filled at my computer desk all day long, and then I fill it and take it to work with me. I just keep drinking out of it. You're going to piss more as a result, but you WILL be properly hydrated.

And I also found that keeping my thirst at bay help curb my snacking as well.

And again, perhaps stretching your legs before/after walks could help.

Keep at it man, be stubborn and strong.

Linc

We were drinking at Kbrew on Saturday night, you were up too late, did your walk after 2 shots, then we got up early on Sunday for co-working and you had another beer. You were completely dehydrated by then and your sleeping schedule was screwed.

Sunday co-working made Monday night Kung Fu much worse for me, hence why I've had a 2-beer limit and ordered a water as my last drink the last 2 weeks and I try to keep hydrating Sunday night and Monday @ work. I also don't do late-night gaming Sunday night any more, and between the two it's been a bit better.

Unknown

Maybe it's the shoes. I get shin splints when I wear anything but Asics or NewBalance... just a thought. Nike and Adidas is all I wore for so long and I had no idea that they were what caused my problems.

Winga

I'm quite sure a lot of people read your blog. I know I do. Every day. Right now surfing the nets is a pastime I can ill afford but I don't miss your Blog. This particular one hit a nerve. It's raw and desperate and full of angst. You are exposed and you are in pain and I dont mean the physical pain in your legs. What you have written here takes guts. More guts than I have.

So no matter what goes down, no matter how pissed, how low or how bad you feel, when you get to the end of the street you keep walking. You hear. You damn well keep walking. You will eventually see results. You can't give up. You can't treat this as a phase, a whim. It's not a short term project. This is your life at stake. Your manlihood. your happiness. You doing this for the right reasons and most importantly you doing it for you.
Don't give up no matter how hard it gets.

GnomeWizardd

Thats the reason why we ll do it, to get sexy, We should start a thread of before and after pics, Ill post my bean pole ass and pics as I go along lifting

pseudonym

Goood, gooood. Feel the hate flowing through you and soon your journey to the darkside will be complete!

What everyone else said though. Keep hydrated most importantly. I do the Nalgene bottle trick and I'm drinking water all day long because of it, add to that the potassium and you'll be in much better shape but I suspect hydration is your biggest problem right now. Keep it up buddy!