[BLOG] Some Random Thoughts Part II

edited November -1 in Community
WARNING: This ended up being somewhat jumbled, but I think it's important that it stays as it came out of my head, for posterity. If you still wish to read this thanks for your time.
So, it's 4:16am and I am not in bed yet....so this means that it's time for me to drop some thought on all of you. I'm not sleeping tonight, and guess why? It's because I am delving into the pasting, bringing up lots of pain and agony. Yay me. So let me start by explaining what brought this all on. One of my childhood friends got married today, and it was one of the most romantic displays of true and pure love I have ever seen. I cried throughout part of the service, partly because I was happy for him, partly because I had planned on proposing this fall, and when I think about her (which I try my hardest not to), lots of confusion comes over me. I know she wasn't the one for me, but to be treated the way I was destroys me on the inside...and why didn't I see the signs. 1. Random guy shows up in her life and she quickly begins spending a LOT of time with him, most of the time asking me to stay away. 2. Snapping at me if I ever touched her phone, even to give it to her, or sitting down at her computer. 3. Asking for more alone time so she could find her (during which I now know she was going out on dates with my replacement). I hate how dumb I am, how I refuse to look at anything but the best in many people. I hate how jaded I'm becoming, how I long to love someone but my heart won't let me. I hate how I bawl like a baby while watching romantic comedies whenever I stumble upon one, but don't have the strength to change the channel.
There is a girl that I know that I'm talking to a lot lately, that I'm starting to like A LOT, and fear that I am falling for. She's brilliant, funny, beautiful, share similar beliefs to me, was raised in a similar fashion to me, is honest and trustworthy, and genuinely seems to care about me. She is amazing all around and I wait patiently to see/talk to her (she lives 3 hrs away so txting/email/phone is currently main for of communication and trips on weekends), but I am afraid to let her know me. She has stayed a lot less 'active' than me and this past terrifies me. I fear the day when the 'disclosure' talk happens, I fear rejection, I fear being turned down again. I wish I could be the confident me that I used to be, not the shell of a former self that I currently feel like.
Something else that I'm sure most of you feel strange but I do, is I have been writing a lot of love letters to my future wife....I know it's dumb but it helps. It's something I have done since I was 14, and is sort of a running journal of my life that I plan on giving her on the day I get married. I wonder about her, what she is doing, how she is doing, the dumb stuff like 'I wonder if she's looking at the moon right now too?' She's a major inspiration for a lot of my actions. Me busting myself in the gym, working so hard in school, taking extra courses to help my LSAT score....and sometimes I wonder if she is just a phantom, something I use to motivate myself that doesn't exist....and now I'm crying again. I know this has been a bit of a stream of consciousness exercise and I'm sorry for that, if anyone reads this thanks for going on one of the least eloquent written rides in the history of blogs.

-Chris

Comments

  • RichDRichD Essex, UK
    I really feel for. A couple of things that spring to mind are that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and while the last one didn't work out you have to try not to let her affect your future. You may get hurt again but you have to think that eventually you will find the one for you and she will make all the hurt go away.

    If you think that this girl may be the one I think you have no alternative but to let her see the real you. You say yourself that she will eventually find the real you. I cant tell you whether she will like it or not but I think it is better to show her the real you and let her decide. If you try to be what you think she want then she may like that but it isn't really you.

    I don't think you need to activly tell her about your past but never lie. My advice and the manor I try to live by is:

    Be yourself: if people don't like it then who cares. If they do like it the you have a real friend (or more) who takes you for who you are and likes you for it.
    Never lie: you will get found out.
    and
    Treat other people the way you want to be treated: what goes around comes around.

    I really hope things work out with this new girl but remember, if you are yourself and it doesn't work out then you have been true to yourself and it wasn't meant to be. There is someone out there for everyone and you will eventually find the one.
  • ThraxThrax 🐌 Austin, TX Icrontian
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  • Reminds me of a time about a dozen of so years ago, when I found my ex girlfriend of three or so years, had become pregnant with her new boyfriend only a few months after we had split.

    Its complicated, I felt replaced, and inadequate in a way, but what you realize with some time and perspective is that it did not work out because we were simply not right for each other, and our timing was bad. She needed a more advanced, more adult relationship at the time, and frankly I needed to take my time and be a little less serious. Its nobody's fault, it just happens, people hook up, one does not feel the vibe the way the other does, they wimp out and lie about it instead of telling the truth about how the feel, and we have what we have. Its a very human story, and honestly, its less personal than it feels.

    Good news is this my friend. Each time you get your heart broken, you learn something about yourself, about relationships, and you become a little wiser, and stronger. One day your going to go on a date with someone, probably after seeing a number of girls, and your going to talk to her, and your not going to know why for sure, but your going to get this insane feeling of trust, and next thing you know your going to wed and have a kid, then your life will be effectively over like mine :+) (its a good gig though),

    Take your time bro, you have time to figure it all out, and remember, what happened with your ex. Its not as personal as it feels. Sometimes its just not right, and its okay to realize that and move forward. She sounds like a young girl, she is learning, and one day, hopefully she will learn to be more honest about how she feels, but she is human, and learning, she just made a mistake in how she treated you, because honestly, she was too chicken to have the proper conversation. When you think about it, its understandable, its just human. When you gain that perspective you will find it easier to move forward feeling good about yourself, and you will find it easier to trust someone new. Does that mean you will never be disappointed again, no..... But you will have a leg up knowing a little more about yourself, and the real dynamics of what it takes to make things work. The experience is going to come in handy when you do meet the right girl. Just have patience.
  • IKoNIKoN Chicago
    dammn that sux man
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