[BLOG] Life, growing up, Et Al
I need to think about things, I need to process things, I need to write.
And that's what I'm going to do with this post.
I thought perhaps it would be good to explain my 'mood'. To say I haven't exactly been myself over the last 2, 6, 9 months is a gross understatement. On my way home from work today I had a nice long thinking session about my persona and how I've been kind of down and 'emo' lately. Not depressed, just 'meh'.
Why?
At work, I've earned the nickname 'emo Miller'. This derives from a man who is very very sarcastic and blunt, but he sees it. Why would I get a nickname like that? Let's turn the clock back just a little.
Over the last year of my life, I've seen some major changes (and am now sitting on the cusp of some even larger decisions). It's taken some getting used to - my unyielding pursuit of a career, friends moving out of my life, a decaying family situation, and an onslaught of new opportunity through Icrontic. And that's fine, I don't hold on to the past, and I'm learning to embrace change. I want to move forward, and am ready to begin this new chapter of life.
I guess the new chapter just isn't beginning the way I always dreamed it would.
The job search - it's frustrating. I've been applying for gigs in the animation industry for almost 2 years solid. I didn't really get serious about it until May of 2008, but I've always been mindful of it. I've applied for so many jobs, and I've come close with some, but in the end it's always the same result. Stardock and Disney were two in particular that I was very excited for and felt good about, but they both fell through. When I thought Disney was going to hire me, anyone who saw me knew that it was some of the brightest days of my recent life. Completely energetic, and excited, I was ready for that change. But like so many before it, it wasn't to be. If I'm meant for this industry, if I'm passionate about it and I work so hard towards it, then why haven't I made it yet? I'm being impatient, but am I really?
I love my current job, but it's a dead end. The TV industry is seeing a radical shift, and the only recovery will see the jobs doing more with less people. I don't have a future in it. Couple that with the fact that northern Indiana is a land completely devoid of opportunity for a man like me, and the result is a person who is sick of his surroundings and hungry for a greater happening. I want out of here so bad.
Life in Elkhart sucks. I don't have many local friends left. The ones I grew up with have almost all been married and moved away. I don't see either one of my two best friends anymore, maybe once every two months. Sonny (Kingpin) is one of the few local friends that I still have around. I can't think of any others. My Icrontic friends and SIGGRAPH friends are some of the best around, but most days out of the year, those are internet friends, not ones I can hang out with on any given night. I have a great group of friends at work, but they're work friends. Great people to go have a beer with, but that's about the extent of my interactions with them.
Skibbe and Dungian at work are great friends, and I hang with those guys the most. But still, they're 35 minutes away, and not the type to come over to my place in the middle of the night and play video games with until the wee hours of the morning. I miss that. It's easy to miss the simpler times.
It doesn't help that I don't have any support at home. When I get home from work, I enter a world that teeters on cataclysmic failure. My mom doesn't believe in me and what I want to do with my life, and I hear about it. My family members love gossip, and corrosive lies are spread around constantly. Family members bicker and fight with one another, cutting off communication from one another as if they're children in elementary school getting into a lunchtime fight on the playground. I'm constantly stuck in the middle of it, and at many times, I take the burns for others actions. My family is struggling with unemployment and bills, some having to borrow money off me simply because they don't have the income to support themselves. I come home from work, and things worsen.
I need an escape. I need to get away from this place. I know what I need, I need a new environment, a fresh perspective. This place, it isn't good for me. It's deconstructive, it dissolves my desire for progression, it slows me down. I don't care where I go, I just know I can't stay here. My desire is to go west, my career objectives point me west. But ultimately, I don't really care, as long as it's not here.
I think the inspiration in my life has gone out. I find it difficult, with my incredibly busy schedule, and the general stress of all that is going on around me, to sit down and want to animate, or learn technical art, or to practice what I know I need. Python, I need to learn python. I need to learn more about rigid body dynamics, and how to build constraints and hierarchy through code, I need to learn more about simulation tech. But at the end of the day, I just sit there, and I lose the day. I'm having trouble finding initiative these days, and I think it's because the inspiration is gone.
There are thoughts on love, and loneliness. Its something I'm always mindful of. I've been single for 4 years now. I'm OK with that, my career needs to come first, but it still sits in the back of my mind, and reminds me whenever I'm alone.
I'm young, I'm energetic, and I need to take it easy. I'll make it. But no matter how things turn out, I do know that I need to get out of here. I need to experience things at an alternative, see life through a glass differently. I've lived here all my life, this environment is stagnant, and in some cases, damaging.
I'll bust this funk, and in the mean time, I apologize for my presentation and persona. Soon so very soon this struggle will come to an end, and I'll emerge stronger than I ever have been. It's been a heck of a ride so far, I'm sure things will only become more interesting.
And that's what I'm going to do with this post.
I thought perhaps it would be good to explain my 'mood'. To say I haven't exactly been myself over the last 2, 6, 9 months is a gross understatement. On my way home from work today I had a nice long thinking session about my persona and how I've been kind of down and 'emo' lately. Not depressed, just 'meh'.
Why?
At work, I've earned the nickname 'emo Miller'. This derives from a man who is very very sarcastic and blunt, but he sees it. Why would I get a nickname like that? Let's turn the clock back just a little.
Over the last year of my life, I've seen some major changes (and am now sitting on the cusp of some even larger decisions). It's taken some getting used to - my unyielding pursuit of a career, friends moving out of my life, a decaying family situation, and an onslaught of new opportunity through Icrontic. And that's fine, I don't hold on to the past, and I'm learning to embrace change. I want to move forward, and am ready to begin this new chapter of life.
I guess the new chapter just isn't beginning the way I always dreamed it would.
The job search - it's frustrating. I've been applying for gigs in the animation industry for almost 2 years solid. I didn't really get serious about it until May of 2008, but I've always been mindful of it. I've applied for so many jobs, and I've come close with some, but in the end it's always the same result. Stardock and Disney were two in particular that I was very excited for and felt good about, but they both fell through. When I thought Disney was going to hire me, anyone who saw me knew that it was some of the brightest days of my recent life. Completely energetic, and excited, I was ready for that change. But like so many before it, it wasn't to be. If I'm meant for this industry, if I'm passionate about it and I work so hard towards it, then why haven't I made it yet? I'm being impatient, but am I really?
I love my current job, but it's a dead end. The TV industry is seeing a radical shift, and the only recovery will see the jobs doing more with less people. I don't have a future in it. Couple that with the fact that northern Indiana is a land completely devoid of opportunity for a man like me, and the result is a person who is sick of his surroundings and hungry for a greater happening. I want out of here so bad.
Life in Elkhart sucks. I don't have many local friends left. The ones I grew up with have almost all been married and moved away. I don't see either one of my two best friends anymore, maybe once every two months. Sonny (Kingpin) is one of the few local friends that I still have around. I can't think of any others. My Icrontic friends and SIGGRAPH friends are some of the best around, but most days out of the year, those are internet friends, not ones I can hang out with on any given night. I have a great group of friends at work, but they're work friends. Great people to go have a beer with, but that's about the extent of my interactions with them.
Skibbe and Dungian at work are great friends, and I hang with those guys the most. But still, they're 35 minutes away, and not the type to come over to my place in the middle of the night and play video games with until the wee hours of the morning. I miss that. It's easy to miss the simpler times.
It doesn't help that I don't have any support at home. When I get home from work, I enter a world that teeters on cataclysmic failure. My mom doesn't believe in me and what I want to do with my life, and I hear about it. My family members love gossip, and corrosive lies are spread around constantly. Family members bicker and fight with one another, cutting off communication from one another as if they're children in elementary school getting into a lunchtime fight on the playground. I'm constantly stuck in the middle of it, and at many times, I take the burns for others actions. My family is struggling with unemployment and bills, some having to borrow money off me simply because they don't have the income to support themselves. I come home from work, and things worsen.
I need an escape. I need to get away from this place. I know what I need, I need a new environment, a fresh perspective. This place, it isn't good for me. It's deconstructive, it dissolves my desire for progression, it slows me down. I don't care where I go, I just know I can't stay here. My desire is to go west, my career objectives point me west. But ultimately, I don't really care, as long as it's not here.
I think the inspiration in my life has gone out. I find it difficult, with my incredibly busy schedule, and the general stress of all that is going on around me, to sit down and want to animate, or learn technical art, or to practice what I know I need. Python, I need to learn python. I need to learn more about rigid body dynamics, and how to build constraints and hierarchy through code, I need to learn more about simulation tech. But at the end of the day, I just sit there, and I lose the day. I'm having trouble finding initiative these days, and I think it's because the inspiration is gone.
There are thoughts on love, and loneliness. Its something I'm always mindful of. I've been single for 4 years now. I'm OK with that, my career needs to come first, but it still sits in the back of my mind, and reminds me whenever I'm alone.
I'm young, I'm energetic, and I need to take it easy. I'll make it. But no matter how things turn out, I do know that I need to get out of here. I need to experience things at an alternative, see life through a glass differently. I've lived here all my life, this environment is stagnant, and in some cases, damaging.
I'll bust this funk, and in the mean time, I apologize for my presentation and persona. Soon so very soon this struggle will come to an end, and I'll emerge stronger than I ever have been. It's been a heck of a ride so far, I'm sure things will only become more interesting.
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Comments
In fact, next week.
If you ever want to apply for one of those you have a place to crash in MD while you get settled.
ICHQ needs more energy.
ICHQ needs more energy.