Canti's Crazy Christmas Break Crapathon

CantiCanti =/= smalltimehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related
So I'm a year late on this but I finally have time to play a few games so here we go.

One game already done and that game is "Constantly Climb On Shit That Won't Stop Falling Apart"

In CCOSTWSFA you play as Lauren Craft an intergalactic bounty hunter and queen of the Metroids. While on a fishing trip your boat crashes into an island full of werewolves and tons of other bullshit that keeps trying to kill you. While you're running around trying to find ancient treasure you get to stab random animals and look in their butts for parts to upgrade your weapons. Every 5 seconds you fall off some shit and have to play a quicktime event while sliding down mountain, then falling out of a tree into a river and then somehow you're using a parachute to glide through the top of a forest and try not to slam your face into trees. Your buddy Roff won't stop talking to you throughout the game even though the only thing he knows how to say is, "You can do this Laura." Then he dies. Eventually you meet a bunch of jerks who are trying to bring their mom back from the dead or something and they won't let you go home. The first time you have to kill one of them Lorenz cries about it for like a week. As soon as she gets done crying she starts screaming shit like "I'm coming for all of you bastards!" every time she finds a group of them and then proceeds to shoot them in the knees and then repeatedly stab each of them in the face with a pickaxe. Eventually there are samurais for some reason, you kill all of them too. At the end you climb a mountain and find a dead bitch who won't stop screaming despite being dead so you stab her in the chest with a torch and she explodes which causes her to be deader. Then you get back on your boat and go home. ten outta 10.

Tomb Raider
primesuspectBobbyDigi

Comments

  • midgamidga "There's so much hot dog in Rome" ~digi (> ^.(> O_o)>
    Title suggests endurance pooping. I am disappoint.
  • I found this funny and mostly true, but you gave some spoilers to the game that some people might not have gotten to yet.

    Also, isn't this backlog supposed to go in alphabetical order? How did you start with C (T)?
    Canti
  • TushonTushon I'm scared, Coach Alexandria, VA
    I've advised people to play fast and loose with the rules.
  • trooster89trooster89 Are you from London?
    edited December 2013
    I was kinda disappointed with the game.

    The puzzles were all pretty easy. The QTE's got kinda annoying after a while. I wouldn't say they were as terrible as some reviews have made them seem. The boss fights were easy as well.

    The hardest part was getting over the semi-buggy and unintuitive controls for the PC port. A lot of the QTE's were a pain because I had to quickly read something like "push the Q key now" in tiny print and react in a split second rather than match up a colored key on a controller.

    The graphics very night though. I felt like I was in a movie (but that could just be all the QTEs). Climbing felt encumbered by the slow animations, but that might just be because I'm used to the fluidity of the assassins creed series.

    Overall I felt that the story was just so-so. kind of predicable. No real surprises.

    I wouldn't say the game was completely terrible. I did enjoy it, but I'm very glad I picked it up for $10 and not full price last year.

    EDIT:

    Also, sorry I didn' t mean to hijack this thread. Good luck with your backlog. Don't give up!
  • @CrazyJoe has a crapathon every winter break, too.

    Actually, he has one every morning.
    Winfreymidga
  • WinfreyWinfrey waddafuh Missouri
    I liked the new Tomb Raider. And I'm pretty sure I played with keyboard and mouse too so I wasn't miffed by the controls. I did the same thing with Arkham Asylum and Assassin's Creed though so maybe I'm weird. The controls were not that bad, ESPECIALLY for a Tomb Raider game. Holy crap there have been some beyond head bashing frustrations with previous iterations in the series.
  • TushonTushon I'm scared, Coach Alexandria, VA
    I also enjoyed it, played with controller.
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related
    Next game off the list is "Every Weapon Is Overpowered As Fuck And I Am Drowning In Ammo And Health Kits"

    Apparently making games that can't go more than five seconds without shit blowing up in your face is the thing to do these days but EWIOASFAIADIAAHK completely ignores that trend and decides to set the game apart from others by making that every three seconds instead. In this game you're Issac Clunk, a space veterinarian whose dog Ellen broke up with him and ran off with some generic FPS toughguy to look for the cure to space rabies. There's some cult that believes space rabies is like the best shit ever for some reason and they're all pissed off at you because you totally wrecked their shit in the first two games of the series. Animal control officers bust into your apartment at the start of the game and force you at gunpoint to come with them to go find your dog. Somehow you end up a billion light years away from Earth on a space ship orbiting Lost Planet 2. Your dog and her new jackass boyfriend are on the ship. Eileen wants to go to the planet because she thinks the space rabies vaccine is there but Meathead is a fuck about it. Then you spend a couple of hours trying to build another space ship so you can totally fuck up entering the atmosphere and kill half the crew in the process which you're quite successful at. The cult leader follows you to the planet because he loves rabies so much and your dogs' boyfriend continues to prove he's an asshole by admitting he hates dogs and tries to take away your medical license. Isaiah doesn't like this so he punches Meathead in the face with a bullet. Then stuff happens. In the end Elanor comes back to you and the cult leader dies of space rabies just like he always wanted but then the moon gets infected and you have to perform emergency surgery to save the whole galaxy from infection. Even though the operation is successful Ian gets left behind on the planet and dies of cold
    OR DOES HE?!


    cats out of 10

    Dead Space 3
    BobbyDigi
  • BHHammyBHHammy Somewhere in Hell
    I know it was a choice made to facilitate the weapon customization system, but universal ammunition was such a baaaad idea. Bad, bad idea.

    But hey, I guess at this point it was entirely throwing any illusion of the games being a survival horror experience out the window with 3, so they figured they'd go full bore. I suppose it's fitting. I mean, the way they tried so hard to mask it with 2...
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related
    Next game down is "Sneak Up On People, Push Q"

    In this game you're Allan Jetson, head janitor of a Robocop manufacturing plant in Detroit. After being fired from a cleaning service for shooting a 14 year old you get hired by a guy with questionable motives to clean toilets at his company because your sort of girlfriend is his best researcher and she said you're really good at scrubbing shit. During your first day on the job a bunch of kids with nothing better to do come in and spray graffiti and smear shit all over the mirrors in the bathroom because they're idiots. The mess they leave behind is so bad that cleaning it up causes Andrew to have injuries so bad he almost dies and your boss decides to make you a robocop to save you. After you recover, your boss decides to send you to China to look for the kids who trashed his bathroom. While in China you begin to uncover a conspiracy to shut down the robocop industry by making health conditions at factories unsanitary. Since this would put your job at risk you decide to stop these people by sneaking up on them and hookers and then punching them in the face. After punching people in the face all over the world Aaron is faced with 4 choices that will determine which cleaning product will have the biggest impact on the future of the janitorial profession and then narrates a commercial for whichever product you chose.

    Deus Ex: Human Revolution
    ErrorNullTurnipIlriyas
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related


    Hotline Miami
    RyanFodder
  • Next game off the list is "Every Weapon Is Overpowered As Fuck And I Am Drowning In Ammo And Health Kits"

    Apparently making games that can't go more than five seconds without shit blowing up in your face is the thing to do these days but EWIOASFAIADIAAHK completely ignores that trend and decides to set the game apart from others by making that every three seconds instead. In this game you're Issac Clunk, a space veterinarian whose dog Ellen broke up with him and ran off with some generic FPS toughguy to look for the cure to space rabies. There's some cult that believes space rabies is like the best shit ever for some reason and they're all pissed off at you because you totally wrecked their shit in the first two games of the series. Animal control officers bust into your apartment at the start of the game and force you at gunpoint to come with them to go find your dog. Somehow you end up a billion light years away from Earth on a space ship orbiting Lost Planet 2. Your dog and her new jackass boyfriend are on the ship. Eileen wants to go to the planet because she thinks the space rabies vaccine is there but Meathead is a fuck about it. Then you spend a couple of hours trying to build another space ship so you can totally fuck up entering the atmosphere and kill half the crew in the process which you're quite successful at. The cult leader follows you to the planet because he loves rabies so much and your dogs' boyfriend continues to prove he's an asshole by admitting he hates dogs and tries to take away your medical license. Isaiah doesn't like this so he punches Meathead in the face with a bullet. Then stuff happens. In the end Elanor comes back to you and the cult leader dies of space rabies just like he always wanted but then the moon gets infected and you have to perform emergency surgery to save the whole galaxy from infection. Even though the operation is successful Ian gets left behind on the planet and dies of cold
    OR DOES HE?!


    cats out of 10

    Dead Space 3
    The Dead Space games have never appealed to me(that is I've never looked at them beyond the trailer), but after this description I am considering buying this game.
  • CantiCanti =/= smalltime http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9K18CGEeiI&feature=related
    edited December 2014

    And we're back with the remake of a 1996 classic for the Sony Genesis 64, "Sexy Archaeologist Visits The Zoo." This game retraces the original adventure of Lauren Cramps as she explores ruins beneath a zoo looking for the key that will let her into the penguin exhibit because she fucking loves penguins. Along the way Lisa encounters dozens of exotic animals such as gorillas, rats, a French guy, and dinosaurs. Then she kills them all because they aren't penguins so "fuck'em" that's her catch phrase. The ruins are full of all kinds of traps and puzzles to solve. Usually to overcome them you have to get stuck floating on a ledge and watch Lori loop the same half a second animation over and over while the game tries to figure out if you fell off or are still standing on solid ground. After falling through the floor like a million times and having lots hilarious ragdoll deaths you finally find the key but the evil Zoo Keeper is trying to use it to turn herself into an immortal flamingo and throw all the animals in a volcano for insurance money or something. Then you have a boxing match with the zoo keeper except that you have guns and she is a big pink bird so you can imagine how that goes. After the fight, Lyra realizes the true meaning of Christmas and goes to set the penguins free.

    Tomb Raider: Anniversary

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