Need help with my mother (rant and question)
aspieRommel
Icrontic politicoIndianapolis, IN Icrontian
So today we are at the laundromat when mom tells me about a friend of ours getting Flogging Molly (one of my favorite bands) tickets. While I would absolutely love to go, as I told her, their concert is on the day that I am leaving for Expo. She then acts like she didn't know that it was "official" yet and starts to get that slight angry look. She asks me how I am getting So as I am setting up my computer, she comes to me and asks (I have no idea if she was being serious or joking) this question:
"So where are they going to find your body?"
She then walks to the car. I was (am still) so pissed that she would have the nerve to say something like that about her son. But this has been going on since I decided to save up to come...
Actually, it's actually been going on for a while. A perfect example of this would be my trip to Missouri. When @Koreish offered to show me around KC, I wanted to take him up on his offer, especially when we went to the KC Zoo (I hate zoos). But when I told her that someone who lives in KC wanted to show me around, she was nervous, which I understand, but when she asks questions like "How do you know he's not a murderer?" is when I start getting mad at her. (My response, even though I didn't get a chance to say it, is how do we know anyone we meet isn't going to do something bad? We don't. Sometimes we have to have faith (either in God [or any deity you worship], or in my case my mildly clairvoyant friend [you know who you are]) that they will not do anything to you.)
There are also some times where I will be speaking to you guys on Mumble and she will walk by and see what I'm doing. I tell her that I am talking to you guys. I'll then ask her to talk to you guys to see what you guys are like (as well as get the "Mom On Mic" badge, if that counts). She always refuses, even after constant asking.
The thing is, when I turned 18, 21, 22, she probably knew that at some point, I was going to want to do things on my own. But she constantly treats me like I am a child, especially when I go somewhere on my own, like to go pick up @Creeperbane2 from work.
So my question is: What do I do? How do I drive home the point that I am now going to do things on my own sometimes?
I hope you guys can help me out.
Comments
Honestly, bud - I'm assuming you still live with her, right? She's going to see you as her child for a long time. She's your mother. She will always be this way. She will express those worries, especially when you're under her roof and around so much. That 'where will I find your body' crack was just that - a joke to try to cover her genuine worry, since she knows you will think that her worrying is silly and a waste of time.
Maybe someday you'll be a parent, and maybe since you'd be a dad, you'd be more comfortable with your kids' independence, but odds are that you'll have the same amount of concern and care, and cover it more with jokes and gruffness, just like your mom was trying to do.
Your mom loves you like crazy, always will, and will always be concerned about you. Eventually, perhaps you'll move out, and she won't be privy to all of your plans, but I bet if you shared them with her, she'd at least feel the same worry, if not express it.
tl;dr: she's your mother, and whether you like it or not, she will always worry about you. It doesn't come from a lack of faith or confidence in you; it comes from her absolute, unconditional desire to see you alive and successful. Cherish that somebody in this world will always love you this unfailingly.
My mother was super scared when I first mentioned I wanted to go to EPIC back in 2013. I remember a lot of 'How do you know these people are they safe?' etc. etc.
At first it looked like it wasn't happening then my dad said he'd drive me down himself because it was something I really wanted to do. Had a great time, he enjoyed playing chess with people then when I got home my mom was just happy that I had had fun and that I had met so many great people on the trip.
Your mum cares, even if she comes across as overbearing or overconcerned sometimes. Her opinion will change once you go to EPIC, get home safe and share nice stories with her. It's hard to let someone in your family (Especially your kid) do their first truly independent thing but it gets a lot better after that.
My first EPIC was 2 years ago. I was 20 and I would be alone on the trip. My mom was just as worried for my safety. So was most of my family. I did what I could to put my family at ease. I offered to let them talk with @Primesuspect over the phone (with his permission) if she wanted to call him in person or something. She did and Prime answered most of her questions one of which was:
Silliness aside, that helped ease them a little bit and they could call Prime up should they want to check in and can't reach me for some reason.
I had been interacting with IC for 2 years already so I was pretty sure they were an alright lot. I also happen to have family in Detroit who could help me out if need be so that also helped ease her mind a bit. Still even up to when I was entering the main gate of the airport they were there looking out for me.
Children grow up and parents get older, but you are always their child and they are always your parents. Not much of that will change. Especially if you care for one another.
One of the best ways to prove you can do things on your own is to just do them. Parents will test your resolve because they want you to be sure of your decision. (At least that's what mine do.) That you are sure that what you are going to do is okay. Icrontians are good people, and you'll be going with your local friend. Just follow the rules (there to keep you safe after all) and you'll be fine and have a great time. Be sure to call your parents from time to time so that they know you've arrived safely, that you're having a good time, and when you leave. Ask prime if they can get his number so you parents can call him up if need be.
The best way to gain independence from your parents is to move out. Once you live on your own there's really nothing they can say about it. As long as you're living in her house, she will very likely continue to treat you as a child.
I'm 25. I've been living away from home for the last 10 years. My mom still treat me like a child.
But at the same time, you have full control and independence over your own life. I'm 37 with two teenage sons and a wife and good job and my dad still treats me like a child sometimes too, but there's also no control he exerts over me.
That's one problem I have. I don't have enough money to get a place of my own.
For the longest time my parents thought everyone on the internet was murderers. They loved it when I started e-dating a girl from Michigan and decided to go visit. They came with me the first time to make sure she wasn't an axe murderer, after that they called down about everyone
I sympathize with ya on that one, the rent costs in this city SUCK.
40 years old and just figuring this out for myself in the last year or so.
You have to please you first. If you don't you end up living in a world of constant resentment and bitterness. I have always had a soft persona at home and have been largely manipulated by the slightest suggestion or stink eye.... You can't live your life that way. I love my mother, my wife, but occasionally they say things that I know are designed to see how I will react. Everyone in your life, your Mom, you spouse, your friends, your boss, everyone has to know they don't own you. That isn't to say you have to be a jerk to anyone.... You don't, but you don't make compromises on the things that matter most to you. When you start to do that, years get behind you and you regret missing things you wish you would have experienced. Insecure people posture to control others, especially those they are closest to. They don't do it to be horrible, they do it because they have a flaw, they are insecure. The best way to deal with them is to have that disagreement, do what you need to do for you, then when you return, let them know you still love the hell out of them. They will figure it out eventually.
Don't be mad, just remember it's because she cares about you. My Mom was always skeptical about my road tripping, when I was a bit younger she would say things like "If it was winter I wouldn't let you go" and my thought was that I'm an adult and I'll go if I want to but this year when I said I was thinking about driving south in February, certain I'd have to talk her into it, she didn't even hesitate. Things change over time; you're her baby and when you want to do things that she has no experience with it will freak her out a little but she'll get used to it.
When I was in school in social ed they always talked about everyone on the internet being pedophiles. "Never EVER meet anyone you only know from online", that was the lesson. I've never once met someone from online that was anything other than what they said they were, of course it's not like I go meeting randos from chat rooms or anything lol Never got that from my parents, possibly because my Dad was always in Comp Sci and I was meeting people online from when I was twelve and would talk to them about my friends.
The answer to your question is that you simply have to do the things you want (without rubbing it in her face, obviously) but give some consideration to her. Tell her where you're staying, call her when you arrive, send her pictures of the place and the people, put her mind at ease. The more comfortable you can make her about it, the easier it will be for you. She may ask you the same things over and over, it's because it's bothering her and she can't help that. You just have to keep reassuring her, that's all you can do. Cut her some slack, all Moms want to protect their children and when you're so far from her reach she feels like she can't do that, it's tough at first. Leaving the nest is harder on the parents than the kids I think. ^_^
I'm turning 40 this year. I have 3 kids, a house, a very well-established career, 2 fully paid-off vehicles. I still get mothered.
It never stops. You just have to continually assure her that you're an adult and can take care of yourself. And she will always throw that out the window.
When my grandma was alive, she did the same thing to my mom even when she was 50+ years old with grandkids of her own and retirement on the horizon.
When you move out, it will get moderately better, in that you can choose to not answer the phone now and then under the guise of being 'busy', or something.
But it will always be there.
Even my mom, Understanding Mother Of The Century (gay Buddhist son quits first job after college & moves to Detroit then blows all his money buying a trainwreck of a house, lol) was not keen on my first trip out here.
Seriously tho we live in a far nicer, safer neighborhood than most folks in any big city. It's a historic neighborhood with a 3-minute police response time with two amazing hospitals less than 10 minutes away.
We'll bury you 60 feet down. They'll never find it.
#hoffa
Show her the pictures from previous EPIC. They are on Facebook. Also the fact that there are a lot of people going might go a long way to ease her mind. "Strangers" or not, they can't ALL be murderers.
Show her the itinerary. Murder isn't even mentioned on there. Seriously, have you shown her the site? The facebook with pictures from previous years? The schedule that has a fucking tea party listed. "Mom, if I get murdered there, it will be the classiest homicide Detroit has seen in a while." Don't treat this as a battle of "I do what I want, I'm a man now momma!" Show her what you're involved with so she understands what this trip is, who Icrontic is. Yes she will treat you like a child, it's what moms do. There isn't any stopping that. Instead, show her that her baby boy will be safe on the playdate in Michigan.
a mom's a mom, wherever you're from, what you do, who you are. some say it, but they all think it: they want us to be safe. i guess it's normal. it sometime sucks, but it's not meant to be mean; they just love us too much.
take it with a grain of salt. the older you get, the more you start to realize you won't have much time left to spend with her, and then you'll start to remember all those time she was worried for you...
I constantly told my parents that I was out doing meth and heroin. Makes a road trip seem like bible camp.