Icrontic has had a very active Minecraft server for ages. I love Legos to death, and I'm a developer - I love building things by imagining them in my head and then using a computer to create them. Sounds like a perfect match right?
Finally, I went to buy the game. It took me a half hour and 2 accounts on the minecraft.net site to accomplish this feat. For some reason, my primary credit card (which I've used many times a day for the last 4 years) wouldn't work. After a second attempt, it banned me from using credit cards. Then it somehow sniffed me out on my new account in a separate browser and banned me from a different card. So, I finally resorted to PayPal and paid the surcharge. Screw that website.
So now I'm irritated and I start up Minecraft. I select single player and start a new world. Sweet, here I am. The game gives me 1 tip: Press 'E' for inventory. I get an achievement for doing this. Now what? My inventory tells me nothing and is empty.
I start wandering around, and end up with some saplings and some flowers. I stick them in the craft slots. Nothing happens. I find the "Achievements" menu for guidance. It says to punch a tree until it gives you wood. I start clicking on a tree repeatedly, and nothing happens. Click click click click click click click click click click... nothing. Three minutes of this and Brian gets pissed off at the sound of me clicking at my trackpad. What the hell is the matter with this game? Finally Brian says: "Can you just hold it down?" Bam bam... wood. OK fine.
Suddenly the screen goes dark. Two minutes later, I'm dead. Then I respawn. Something explodes and I'm wounded. I can't see a goddamn thing. Another minute passes and I'm getting shot. I just stand there because I can't even figure out how to restart without creating a whole new world. Dead. Respawn next to the shooter guy. Dead again. And again. And again. I start a new world.
So I get some wood. The next achievement is "use 4 planks of wood to create a workbench" or some such. So I figure out how to turn wood into planks, and stick 4 in the crafting window. Nothing. I finally deduce how to split them up, and after putting them perfectly 1 piece in each pane of the crafting window, tada, a bench. Great. A fucking OCD computer game.
Next achievement: Use sticks and planks to make a pickaxe. Sticks? I have saplings, do they mean that? Nope. I keep rearranging shit and figure out how to make a stick by accident.
I quickly make myself a 2x3 little wood plank hut just as it turns to night and sit staring out my tiny window, not wanting to die again. OK, I can use this time to craft something, right?
I'll be damned if I ever figured out how to make a pickaxe. I spent well over a fucking hour on this, no joke. I left the game and Googled. Guess what? Every goddamn result referenced a non-existent 3x3 crafting grid. I tried every configuration of sticks and planks in different quantities and positions that I could think of. Hell, I tried throwing in the workbench a few times. Nothing.
It's daylight again. I run around a little, then back to my hut. I'm sitting in a game that's supposed to be fun, and it's the most stressful, asinine thing I've done all day, and I've been doing customer support for work. 2.5 hours from the time I went to the website and I don't even have a pickaxe.
Brian asks, "Does it make you angry that little kids can figure this out and you can't?"
I say, "No, because kids have time to waste fiddling with this shit. I'm done."