Myrmidon's Mighty Mass of Merriment
Myrmidon
Baron von PuttenhamCalifornia Icrontian
That's what she calls it.
Also, Merriment, because unlike you saps, I ENJOY video games. :P
Steam name is Myrmidon240 if you'd like to keep tabs. Who the fuck wants to keep tabs, though?
Altitude
Alpha Protocol
Analogue: A Hate Story
Assassin's Creed 3
Battlestations: Midway
Battlestations: Pacific
Bioshock Infinite
Borderlands 2
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel
Company of Heroes 2 - Alpha - FUCK YOU @UPSLYNX I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS (TRUE STORY)
Conflict: Denied Ops
Counter-Strike: Condition Zero
Counter-Strike: Condition Zero Deleted Scenes
Crypt of the Necrodancer
Defense Grid
Dishonored
Dungeon Defenders
Eets
Fable III
Fallout: New Vegas
Flora's Fruit Farm (the shit that's on my computer)
Gravitron 2
Half-Life 2: Deathmatch
Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Hitman: Blood Money
Hitman: Codename 47
Indigo Prophecy
Infernal
Just Cause
Kane & Lynch: Dead Men
Lead and Gold - Gangs of the Wild West
Mini Ninjas
Multiwinia
Project: Snowblind
Psychonauts
Rogue Trooper
Shattered Horizon (fuck)
Shellshock 2: Blood Trails
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II
Super Meat Boy
System Shock 2
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: Legend
Tomb Raider: Underworld
Torchlight II
Trials 2: Second Edition
Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines
The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings Enhanced Edition
The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt
*Drops microphone*
Also, Merriment, because unlike you saps, I ENJOY video games. :P
Steam name is Myrmidon240 if you'd like to keep tabs. Who the fuck wants to keep tabs, though?
Altitude
Alpha Protocol
Analogue: A Hate Story
Assassin's Creed 3
Battlestations: Midway
Battlestations: Pacific
Bioshock Infinite
Borderlands 2
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel
Company of Heroes 2 - Alpha - FUCK YOU @UPSLYNX I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS (TRUE STORY)
Conflict: Denied Ops
Counter-Strike: Condition Zero
Counter-Strike: Condition Zero Deleted Scenes
Crypt of the Necrodancer
Defense Grid
Dishonored
Dungeon Defenders
Eets
Fable III
Fallout: New Vegas
Flora's Fruit Farm (the shit that's on my computer)
Gravitron 2
Half-Life 2: Deathmatch
Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Hitman: Blood Money
Hitman: Codename 47
Indigo Prophecy
Infernal
Just Cause
Kane & Lynch: Dead Men
Lead and Gold - Gangs of the Wild West
Mini Ninjas
Multiwinia
Project: Snowblind
Psychonauts
Rogue Trooper
Shattered Horizon (fuck)
Shellshock 2: Blood Trails
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II
Super Meat Boy
System Shock 2
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: Legend
Tomb Raider: Underworld
Torchlight II
Trials 2: Second Edition
Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines
The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings Enhanced Edition
The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt
*Drops microphone*
4
Comments
I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm probably not coming back to this game any time soon. It's awful cute, and very interesting... for about six hours. The last four were absolutely brutal. Once you've seen all the maps, that's about it - and you're so fragile, that it's hard to get a good satisfying m-m-m-monster kill run (probably just takes practice).
The music is great, the game is interesting, but it's too simple to keep anyone's attention for long.
Also, the people who play are rude assholes. I think it's because of the perma-free demo.
Next up is Battlestations: Midway.
This is the worst game I have ever played.
I'm posting while playing the game. Why, you ask? BECAUSE EVERY TIME I START A MISSION, IT'S SEVEN MINUTES OF 'WE'RE GETTING CLOSER TO THE ENEMY, SIR.'
Don't buy this piece of shit.
No, but seriously, how many devs must have lost their jobs for this crock of crap?
Serious review coming when I beat this piece of torture.
But:
It is complete.
Battlestations: Midway tries to be a sort of 'naval simulator' crossed with the 'lololol we're bad boys' attitude of E3's typical shooter bullshit. Funny thing is, it's from Square-Enix. This supports (though obviously doesn't prove) my theory that the merger with Enix was the worst thing to ever happen to Squaresoft's game quality.
I started this game with an open mind, and very quickly closed it at the stupid-bad FMV. Paper-thin characters spouting cliche'd lines, read by voice actors who didn't actually seem to give a fuck. The game tried this cute little thing where it tried to show you what the character was thinking... by telling you what the character was thinking. It's like the world's easiest high school English test: "Do you think Captain Walker feels positively or negatively about the war? Why?" "I think he feels negatively about the war because of one of his lines, 'I feel negatively about the war.'" The term "Show, don't tell" was definitely lost upon the writers.
Also, I probably should have looked for a subtitle feature. There's something around a fifty percent chance that, when shooting down a plane, you will hear a random voice say "We blew her out of the sky, sir!" or something equally mundane. You will probably have shot down around a hundred or so planes in any given forty-five minute mission - so that's more than once per minute. @Teramona had to leave the room due to an irritation-induced headache, and has been walking around the apartment saying "We blew it out of the sky, sir!" like some kind of fucked-up life-sized wind up doll. I'm not sure if she's performing fellatio on flies or receiving and echoing transmissions from US Navy exercises via a plate in her head.
(Honorable mention for "she's headin' fo' da coral!" whenever you sink a fucking ship. In a game primarily about sinking ships).
But that's okay. This game is primarily multiplayer, right? The single player was probably just tacked on - the gameplay has to be excellent, right?
Fuck-all.
You can't hit any enemy with your shipboard guns without extreme amounts of luck, due entirely to the aiming system - two pixels equals one ships-width of ocean space, and the gentle waves on your boat throw you off by about twenty pixels at a time. Have fun, asshole. Furthermore, there's no rangefinder or any sort of tracer, so you basically have to eyeball every shot. I can only hope this is how the US Navy ACTUALLY shot their artillery. "Am I on target?" "How should I fucking know?! Fire!" "Huh. Well, we hit Denmark. I think we're getting closer!"
Okay, whatever, there's a command interface so you can right click to tell your boat to go fight something without you pulling your hair out from trying to remember which pixel of water you aimed at. This resulted in me playing the game almost ENTIRELY from the map - a symbol-driven, clusterfuck of a thing. Furthermore, some units simply DON'T SHOW UP on the map, and can't be selected without clicking them on the map - so I played quite a few missions simply not utilizing some of the ships I had at my disposal.
Oh, and the best, best, best part? The TEN MINUTES OF SIMPLY SAILING IN A STRAIGHT LINE during every mission. "Oh shitballs, captain Botox! There's a cruiser on the other side of the planet!" "Full speed ahead, men - I'm sure we can get to it before 1950!" You died during a mission? Oh, enjoy another round of "I Spy Something That Is Blue." That, or have a nap - you might be in range soon.
Finally, let's throw out those SWEET, SWEET game mechanics - you get what, like, forty planes on a carrier and a couple other destroyers or some shit. The Japanese carrier apparently gets Protoss warp technology, because THEY NEVER RUN OUT OF PLANES. So much for turtling as a strategy, good thing I wasted an hour and a half waiting for you to run out of fucking planes.
My biggest regret is not that I spent eleven hours playing through this shit - no, it's that next up, I have ANOTHER BATTLESTATIONS GAME. How the fuck did this get a sequel?
Ugh... just a little more til fable III...
1. THIS version comes with Games for Windows Live.That's a HUGE improvement over the first, right guys? Guys?
2. The game disables the Steam overlay and copy/pasting doesn't work with Windows Live, so I can't actually input my product key without writing it down on paper.
3. The game overlay doesn't show up on screenshots, so unless you want a screenshot of my empty and waiting MS paint canvas, no pictures of this game either.
Damn you, @primesuspect. This is all your fault.
Also, turns out this game is a straight port from the Xbox 360. I haven't found a redeeming quality YET.
This game improved on (what I can only assume is) its predecessor in so many ways. They added an auto-aim feature (I would have enjoyed a better aiming SYSTEM, but okay), they did away with trying to add some random character into the story line, and the dialogue (while HORRIFYINGLY cliche) isn't nearly as irritating.
I get the feeling people may have complained about the predecessor's lack of in-game instruction, because now every square FUCKING inch of my screen is covered in tooltips. In addition, the game pauses to throw lengthy textual information at you - and since every menu has a name, the tips are HORRIBLY dry - "go to the combat support flight deck control window 4 and press C to launch nell bomber zero emily fighters, press D to select a thirteen woman cheerleader squad, press D again to deploy..." etc.
There's a lot less "la la la, wait until I get there," but there's tons and tons and tons of words flying at you at any given time, which makes it pretty tough to keep up. I only hope I haven't missed a couple key game aspects.
The game is still horribly boring. I'm still on the fourth or fifth japanese mission, and it still plays like a tutorial - but every mission boils down to 'shoot this now shoot this now shoot this, aren't you glad you're on the high sea so you don't have to worry about, like, cover and shit?'
I don't have screenshots, so I'll make this short.
Battles are boring and easy (even on hard difficulty), the AI blows except to dodge torpedoes, the dialogue is monotonous and boring (Here's your job sir! To kill everything sir!), and the graphics and UI are much better than the Battlestations: Midway.
Also, TIL damn near every battle in the pacific theater was single-handedly won by a fighter pilot.
Now then: Good news, Company of Heroes: Alpha is closed so I don't have to do that. Bad news, on to something called "Conflict: Denied Ops." Here we gooooo!
"Well, that's why God invented air support!" "You one limp-dicked motherfucker!"
Interesting dialogue choices thus far. Curious mechanic, this switching back and forth thing. I wonder how it will play out.
More sweet dialogue: "You guys are like a four-hundred pound virgin on prom night: on your own." Dude, I tell you. Someone had to sit down and think this shit out; that ain't no colloquialism I ever done heard of.
Also, the switch-back-and-forth-between-two-guys mechanic is pretty interesting, and it's very easy to give simple commands to your squad-mate that don't involve a whole lot of 'sorry doc' and 'let me get out of your way, Freeman.' The AI leaves a lot to be desired (when bad guys don't know where you are, they run a sweet circuit around the map), but the game is old enough that they were probably just focusing on the two-person-party aspect. Multiplayer is probably pretty interesting.
A pretty cool street to have you and your squadmate "advance" on. Leapfrogging ftw.
Also, the tank controls are mega squirrely, but I don't see them enough to warrant lowering the sensitivity. Results:
Tracer rounds:
Er, yeah, I think I'm getting closer...
No, no, no, back THAT way
Alright, you're not even fucking trying to hit him now.
OH GOD I GOT HIM YOU SQUIRRELY FUCK
I play this listening to old recordings of Gunsmoke. It makes the game so much more awesome.
Ignoring the hilarious dialogue and poorly defined characters (shooters are notorious for this), this wasn't awful. It's clear that it's meant to be more multiplayer than single player, and I do have a soft spot for co-op shooters. I'm pretty disappointed in the AI - I played this on hard, and I still had bad guys doing crazy stupid things. It was very Area 51 esque in this regard - bad guys took WAY too long to aim, and most levels just became a 'how fast can I kill these jerks before they overwhelm me' sort of deal. Would have made a pretty good zombie survival game, at least.
I was impressed at the level of detail, however. Eidos definitely took some pains to try interesting things here. The ever-present flammable barrel is still in existence, but at least it doesn't explode into oblivion - there's some debris. Any flammable container under pressure, however, flies around like a proper container ought to - that was nice to see.
Here's a nice example of the crazy shit they did in terms of detail - every piece of wood could be broken in about a thousand different ways. VERY neat.
Our wooden plank:
I shot where the crosshairs were in the last shot.
Same deal as last time.
Tore a great chunk out of it...
What if I try to eliminate some load-bearing wood? Will it shatter?
There we go. Barely recognizable!
With this complete, it is on to counterstrike: Condition Zero!
I hate this game so fucking much. I hate counter-strike, and the only thing that could make it more pointless is to spend one minute playing and then five waiting for bots to duke it out.
Fuck this contest. Fuck it right in its ear.
Go home, counter-strike. You were fun when I was a twelve year old with nothing better to do with my life.