I love stealth games. Absolutely love them. Everything about them - the patience required to surmount obstacles, the vulnerability you feel when you make a move in heavily covered areas, and the sense of superiority you get when you are caught in a shitty situation and just manage to brilliantly escape.
Hitman is not a stealth game. Hitman is a mishmash of code that wishes it were a stealth game.
Now, I've complained about a lot of the games in my backlog. I don't feel good about it, I really don't. I want to enjoy this stuff - I want to be blown away by it the way Bioshock: Infinite, Borderlands 2, or Amnesia blew me away. To that effect, I went into this game EXCITED. I generally enjoy the stuff that Eidos chooses to publish, and with a slew of sequels and remakes, I expected this to have at least one stellar, highly redeeming quality. Plus, as a stealth game? It HAS to be great, right?
Nope.
Paper-thin storyline. Awful AI. Buggy as all get-out. Obnoxious dialog. What had to be ONE SINGLE VOICE ACTOR for the entire game, reading as lifelessly as possible from a script. Thoughtless level design.
I mean, I guess the camera worked well?
Some grievances:
1. In certain missions, playtesting was not a thing. I was able to run-and-gun through bad guys. In other missions, you were EXPECTED to run and gun through bad guys... but it was you versus fifty. 2. Enemies can see through some smaller walls. 3. Money means nothing - most weapons are available in every level, so there's no incentive to buy anything. 4. Once you put on a disguise, that was generally the end of the mission - you could go anywhere. 5. Stuck in walls, stuck in elevators, targets not spawning, scripted events getting stuck, etc. 6. Observe this scene with Tony Mon... er... Pablo Ochoa. I'm fairly certain they were going for humor here, but it just really disjointed the fight. EDIT: embedded youtube doesn't start at correct point; fast forward to 4:38. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NbDjHeVdeM4#t=276 . The only thing I really wish I could find is the dialog with the prostitute in the Lee Hong assassination. I vomited, it was so childish.
I guess I'm on to the next Hitman... I mean, it garnered a sequel, maybe they improved on it?
Recent screenshots from Hitman 2: Return of the Bugs...
Hey, a scarecrow!
Wait... is he watching me?
... good programming guys, I definitely can't see through this one.
This nurse has her leg through a chair...
...Aaaaaand she's casting a spell.
It's so bad. "NO RUNNING EVER" takes this game from all about patience to all about boredom. Also, the disguise system is broken as hell - they can't see through my disguise when I'm a white man in kuala lumpur wearing shorts and a beret, but if I'm in japan dressed in a full ninja bodysuit? "WHO IS THAT FUCKER NO YOU CAN'T HIDE BEHIND A DOOR, I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR DISGUISE WITHOUT EVEN SEEING YOU!"
I have just completed this, and in keeping with the current trend of disliking games on my backlog, I almost feel like I should be compensated for playing this.
There are some improvements on its predecessor - the voice acting is better (though only barely), the directing is definitely better, obviously the graphics are better. There's a semblance of a storyline, and there is a very marginal reward for being stealthy and minimizing collateral damage.
However, this game suffers from just as many bugs as (if not more than) the original Hitman. In addition - and this is what really gets me - the game suffers from a major flaw: lack of balance. This tremendous oversight means what could have been a pretty fun game wound up being an excellent example of poor design and anti-fun.
There are two major stealth systems in Hitman: sneaking (the system we all know and love - the player may adopt one of multiple 'stances' such as crouching or running, trading stealthiness for increased move speed or vice versa), and disguises (the player may show their face out in the open and will not be recognized as a hitman). Neither of these systems were balanced - to the point where I feel like playtesting was probably not a priority in this game.
From the sneaking side, running serves one purpose - to play to the player's impatience. Too often you will find yourself in a wide open area that you have to walk across at a brutally slow pace. Perhaps the gardens of a temple, or a very long stretch of sewer. Why must you walk? If you run, guards will hear you through walls and over any other background noise. It doesn't matter if you're disguised as a fireman running to a fire alarm alongside other fireman - if you run, you will be caught, and you will be immediately shot. Effectively, you MUST walk ANYWHERE.
"But Dan, stealth games are about patience!" you say. No, my friend, bad stealth games are about patience. Good stealth games are about patience in tension. In a good stealth game, I am hidden around a corner, waiting for a guard to walk away so I can pick the lock on the door behind him. Every second I wait, he gets farther and farther away, making it less likely for him to hear my footsteps. However, if I wait too long, ANOTHER guard will come up behind me - I'm on his patrol route! This is what makes a good stealth game - not infinite patience, but choice and timing - a tradeoff between patience and haste.
This highlights an enormous problem with the disguise system. In the situation above with the nurse, I am disguised as a cultist - with a gun. There is a door behind her that I wish to enter. Every three or four minutes, she takes a thirty second smoke break (so much cancer). What do I do?
Stand there. Stand directly in front of her, and wait for her to leave. Three or four minutes of solid inactivity. Is this patience? No - this is BOREDOM. This disguise system generates boredom, not patience. Not fun.
Furthermore, the disguise system is completely senseless. If I run, I am discovered - period. In a hospital with four nurses, however, I can dress up as the single doctor and nobody will know the difference! In snowy Japan, I dress up in full ninja gear to blend in - goggles, face mask, everything; not a square inch of skin showing - yet if I am so much as SEEN, guards run up to me to check to see if I'm real. But in Russia, I can dress up as a mobster and switch out their standard issue 9mm for a tremendous sniper rifle, and it's perfectly normal!
There's a lot wrong with this game. A lot. It's not tense, it's boring, and it's buggy as hell. I can't understand how it keeps having sequels.
I also can't understand why I bought it. >.< I'm taking a break from the hitman series to play assassin's creed III, which hopefully doesn't suck nearly as much as this did.
TeramonaConsulting Tea Specialist Best Coast! Icrontian
I had this draft saved:
"You're so clever and"
But I think you made me mad while I was writing it, so I never finished, and now I can't remember what I was going to say. Good job on them games, though!
0
TeramonaConsulting Tea Specialist Best Coast! Icrontian
Some things that came out of my mouth while playing Assassin's Creed 3
"Yes, yes, that's exactly what I want you to do. Jump on some crates behind us while running in a straight line."
"Oh, I see. A bayonet to the gut and jumping off a cliff - no problem - but catch your foot in a rut and trip? Instant death."
"Hey, look, there was crafting in this game. Welp."
"According to this, the credits are ten minutes long and unskippable... I'll just alt+tab and write my review."
"Huh. Alt+tabbing pauses the credits."
"Whoa, check it out, Templars say a prayer before aiming and firing their gun. How convenient."
"...Didn't we just watch this guy get buried and give him a nice funeral? What the fuck is he doing just chilling there?"
"'I will hunt you to the ends of the earth... despite having you within arm's reach right now. Because history says you don't die for another three years or so. All I need is a paper-thin reason to let you go and historical continuity will do the rest.'"
"Oh man, this mission is going to be sweet... wait, this optional objective says 'no fun.' Huh."
"It's like I'm playing this game from inside the head of a sloth. I tell him to turn left and... and... almost... aaaallllmost.... Therrrrre he goes!"
"'Hello Desmond, I'm your father. Today, I'll be playing the part of 'foil' to your already static character.'"
"This is a weird bug... and I can reproduce it. I wonder if anyone on the web has seen it... wow. Wow. So yeah, I'm not the only one. And here's a dev post addressing it... 'We are unable to reproduce the bug.' Wait what? Let me update my resume, Ubisoft has apparently fired their QA department."
"'Hello Mr Miles! I'm pure eeeeeeevil! I'm one of the greatest minds of our generation! Yesssss! Come into my lair and we'll make a trade - I'll give you [redacted] if you bring to me that incredible tool that allows you to control the very brains of those around you! Come straight to my office and just hand it over to me! And don't think I haven't thought about you using it on me or the people around me during the handoff! Because I have! Better just give up that idea right now!'"
The following is not a dissertation. It is not as well-thought out as the Gravitron rant. It is a plan, grouchy-ass rant. Ignore it if you want, I understand it sucks to read complaints.
This game is terrible. The only thing that keeps me playing the AC series is I have to know what happens in the PAINFULLY CONTRIVED story - I've started a story, I can't just let it languish. Even if it blows. This game lacks polish, bugs are rampant, the characters are one-sided and make the MOST unrealistic of decisions, the events are contrived and motives are paper-thin - it's very clear this game was made by a very large team with very little communication - as with every Ubisoft game nowadays.
The worst part is this game COULD have been a lot of fun - but someone at Ubisoft who has never enjoyed a video game in their life decided to add OPTIONAL PARAMETERS to every mission. "Do this mission in under 2:00." Well shit, I wanted to run it stealthy-like. "Kill a boat by ramming it." Oh god, but I maneuvered all five to where I can kill them with a single broadside! "Do not get off horseback." Oh. So... no hiding in bushes and jumping them? Okay... I guess I'll just murder them with a pistol, at close range. Add this to the list of other empty completionist tasks, and you have yourself a recipe for pure disaster: 'oh hey, we can put more replay value in by hiding stupid shit in this very large, very similar-looking world.' 'Like what?' 'Fuck, I dunno. Feathers?' 'Okay. What do they get if they find them all?' 'Uh... bragging rights. I dunno. Who cares, just put it in. It's cheap to programming and people will do it.'
Speaking of completionist bullshit, you ready for this pandering bit of nonsense? Fresh into town, Connor meets Benjamin Franklin. Spoilers ahead, the conversation goes like this. Practically word for word:
"Hello young lad! I am Benjamin Franklin, exactly as seen in many history books and some currency! I'm just headed off to the printing press to print my very famous almanack! At least, I think it will be famous! I certainly can't know that, but my creators made me talk like I'm straight out of The Magic Schoolbus!"
"Oh No! Young lad, did you see that? A gust of wind" (possibly a passing rider or something, I honestly blocked most of this out) "Has scattered my almanack all around Boston and the soon-to-be-traveled to New York! If you happen to find any almanack pages, oh, I dunno, hovering very realistically above a building and getting ready to float away from anyone who draws near, go ahead and bring them to me by merely picking them up!"
Are. You. SHITTING. Me. I am VERY AWARE that I am playing a video game right now, Ubisoft. I couldn't be any less immersed in a dry lake.
Speaking of completionist, if you pick up all the almanack pages, you receive recipes for 'inventions' that do nothing but get invented. Woo. For completionism's sake, you have to craft these things at your manor by paying money and having resources. I have no idea where I got everything, but just by simply PLAYING THE GAME I was able to walk into the house before the last mission and buy EVERYTHING.
The convoys/trading/whatever are a joke. You don't need more money. I bought everything and had 20000 pounds to spare. It's tedium for pocket change.
Speaking of tedium, how 'bout that double-menu mess? Or god, the crafting menu in and of itself?
Oh, and the AI. Lord, the AI. I once killed half of a fortress by dancing near a rampart's edge, hanging over said edge over the lake, and watching the bad guys stare at me and clip through one another, over the wall and down to their watery graves. I once (more than once) ran up to a man, blade out, while he STARED AT ME, slowly saying "wait... wait what are you doing here?", MISSED STABBING HIM, and murdered him on the second attempt. The combat is ludicrously easy and plays like a martial arts movie from the eighties - one bad guy at a time. Choose from two dynamic buttons while fighting: "e" to counter and "left click" to stab! The naval scenes, which could be clever, gave you what was essentially an ironclad ship in the middle of the revolutionary war. You are invincible. That's it. Templars - in the 21st century, with PISTOLS - close in from across the room for close quarters combat with a dude wrecking shit with a knife in the middle of a courtyard made of concrete. And when they fire, they hold the weapon straight up at their chin and ever-so-slowly lower it toward your character in an overexaggerated show that would make even my eighth grade drama class facepalm.
I could go on, but I'm sure I've taxed your patience for reading sheer complaint.
No, wait, you know what? Let's be fair - there was some good in this game. The cinematics and camera effects are wonderful. Ubisoft should take their writers off their thin-plot leash and allow them to make a REAL script, then make movies instead.
Awful. Awful awful awful waste of money. I know it's old, but if for whatever reason you were thinking of buying this, don't.
Next up is Hitman: Blood Money. If you're following along, you'll remember I hate the Hitman series and started AC3 to take a break by playing a game I enjoy. Most unfortunate how that turned out.
But there's not much to say here. I was re-reading all my old reviews and... well, it turns out this game is just Hitman 2: Silent Assassin with better graphics and fewer bugs. They don't care about sound as much, at least, but the plot is still as paper-thin as always, the stealth is just... it's just awful - once again, patience with no tension = boredom. During one of the last missions, I waited for around seven to eight minutes in one spot just for the target to enter an elevator so I could take his clothes and waltz unhampered through the rest of the level. Nobody saw me, nobody asked what I was doing, nobody else used the elevator all night - nothing. No tension, just enough time to make a sandwich and get a beer.
Sorry, map designers. Bet you thought those guard patrol routes would be really cool, too.
They added an 'accidents' feature, which generally involves finding a button somewhere in the level that kills the target for you - which is fairly cool from a cinematic point of view. Otherwise, do not play.
EDIT: you know what? There was, in fact, at least one REALLY solid part to the game:
[spoiler]During the credits, Agent 47's funeral, the world is blurry while Ave Maria plays. The HUD is missing. From time to time, a heartbeat is heard. During the heartbeat, the world shifts into perfect clarity, then falls right back to blurriness. With his silverballers placed on his chest, you imagine that at some point the credits will stop, and you will be forced to kill... no, there are like, ten bodyguards in close proximity. There's no way.
You never wake up. You just fall into the cremation chamber.
...Unless you were ITCHING to wake up. If you start hitting the controls, the heartbeats speed up. The HUD reappears. And, eventually, 47 stands up for one last firefight.
The firefight was the same as it always is in these games. But that presentation... that was pretty innovative. I could do with more of that sort of design.[/spoiler]
I was actually pretty pleased to get in on this game. I really like the idea of a clockwork world, and dystopian society, and magic, and stealth... I mean, pretty much everything in this game is my favorite trope.
There WAAAAAS a problem, though. There are achievements for: 1. Never being spotted, 2. Never killing a target, 3. Finishing the game with low chaos, and 4. Not using any magic.
So I did all those. It was... disappointing.
The magic was really thrilling - and I wish I'd used it. You should definitely use it. Being spotted seemed like it might have been a lot of fun. Never killing a target? Let's face it, they're masochists. Fuck them up. And as for low chaos... well, alright. At least you get the good ending that way. I am still kicking myself for not engaging in proper hand-to-hand combat - the block mechanic looked really cool, too!
As with all these games, it seems, there was a sense of storyline-polish that was missing. The general storyline? Brilliant. But... the motives for some characters? Their methods? Well, I get the sense this may have been a Dr. Seuss book gone wrong... everything is so simplistic, as a vehicle for the (admittedly very smooth) gameplay.
One day I hope to find a game where the storyline is gripping, the characters are dynamic, the gameplay is fluid, and the theme is thrilling... Dishonored is almost, ALMOST on the mark.
no...searching...
looks like something i would have really loved as a kid, but i havent really been able to get into an adventure game in several years.
@Myrmidon, I have been interested in trying the crysis series for a while, and i seem to remember you mentioning it in an earlier review of an unrelated game. any opinions on crysis?
@XGPHero said:
Myrmidon, I have been interested in trying the crysis series for a while, and i seem to remember you mentioning it in an earlier review of an unrelated game. any opinions on crysis?
I could write a dissertation, good sir. Here's the short version (lol).
Pros:
Beautiful. Absolutely, absolutely beautiful.
Good overall idea - I love the idea of a nanosuit, or any augmented character.
Good combat AI - sometimes a little unrealistically observant.
Interesting environmental interactions for its time.
Limited suit power forced tactical decisions instead of 'insta-god mode.' Meaningful, fast choices ALWAYS get a +1.
Cons:
Gameplay felt somewhat clunky. Addition of hotkeys for the suit helps, but you can really tell you're not on the unreal or source engine.
Existence of the 'invisible wall,' in the form of 'LOL U LEAVE DIS ZONE N WE SHOOT U' badly hampers the 'directed open world' that they were touting.
Terrible AI for stealth purposes - cloaking can really only be used for a quick tactical advantage, not for actual sneaking.
Storyline was... a little on the contrived side. Can't remember how I felt about the voice acting, but I'm always wary of military voice acting.
Cliffhanger. Fuck your cliffhanger.
Still follows the very-formulaic linear FPS model, despite trying to be open-world.
Most of my excitement is due to the imagination that the suit and the large map give me. I like to IMAGINE how I would proceed through a military compound. I know other folks really enjoyed observing how they handled environmental reaction - which interested me somewhat less, but IS definitely a factor in realism.
Most of my gripes from the awful approach to 'directed open-world.' The only thing 'open-world' about is that the maps are bigger. And 'directed' implies a little more subtlety than map edges that kill you and AI that only permits a run-and-gun approach. See the Left 4 Dead commentary for how to subtly direct players. It'll open your eyes.
I would say it's worth playing if you get it for cheap, but it won't exactly blow your socks off unless you're really into graphical detail - given the choice between Crysis and, say, Bioshock (both big-name augmentation/story driven linear FPSs), I'd take the latter every time.
I bought this game on a whim and spent about 3 hours going through it at Terin's parents's house. This is a text-driven game, so if you lose patience reading, this is not the game for you.
Now, I am not a great writing critic. I tend to pay attention to things I shouldn't pay attention to, and I tend to value the use of comic relief... which skews me toward books with tension that have actual NEED of comic relief. So anything I say about writing, feel free to ignore.
Also anything I say about games, because let's face it, I'm a grouch!
Moving along...
From a gameplay perspective, I actually enjoyed Analogue. I like to read, so the text-heavy stuff didn't bother me. The simplistic operating system setup was fairly interesting, and I liked the investigator's role that they threw you into. The static 2D displays made the use of dynamic effects (namely the signal static during the only tense part) particularly jarring, which was exactly what it was going for - a reminder that your role in the game wasn't just written in to give you a thin reason to read the story, but that you were actually doing something.
Unfortunately, your role in the game WAS just written in to give you a thin reason to read a story. The eventual choice you must make at the end is really the only other interaction you have with that role. However, I choose to look at Analogue not as a story-driven game, but as an interactivity-driven book - an outlook that IMMEDIATELY puts the game's innovation into focus.
From a WRITING perspective... well, I can take it or leave it. It isn't the best story I've ever read, but it's also not the worst. The AI characters were one-sided, but I tend to believe that's by design (as you're really listening to a snapshot of the characters AFTER the story, as they REFLECT on the story... well after any dynamic growth had taken place). The characters in the story don't have that excuse, though. Some of them were mildly dynamic, but most of them felt like afterthoughts.
The plot felt a little childish in more places than one. It was as if the writer had selected a social paradigm for everyone, then forced every character into that paradigm - effectively creating a stereotype and making it true. I don't feel like the plot utilized the characters for development, but merely dealt with the characters as obstacles. The dialogue also felt very childish - as if each character were talking with the same voice.
What really irritated me was the pandering to varying themes of "nerd relationships" and sexuality. No, I don't need to take a fembot AI girlfriend home who's going to gush and fawn over my every word. Nor do I need to play cosplay dress-up and put her in a french maid outfit while she winks and blows kisses. This girl is a
mass murderer,
in a spaceship that wouldn't put up with the simplest feminine expression, much less cutesy cosplay tailoring pursuits, for fuck's sake! How in the hell does that fit the story, or the paradigm that shaped it?
Furthermore, the choices that decide whether the AI 'likes' or 'dislikes' me are so blunt, they might as well be a job application from the late 90's. You ever fill one of those out?
"Choose the response that best fits your attitude. When a co-worker upsets me, I:
A. Attempt to resolve the problem by talking it through.
B. Set fire to his car."
Look, there's a time and a place for this sort of programming, and hey, whatever gets your rocks off - I won't judge for your jollies. But this was such a tacked-on, poorly-done, massive distraction that I legitimately feel it was added late in the game in an attempt to appeal to a stereotypical lonely anime-loving gamer who wants a waifu SO BAD. And for what? More revenue? Stick to your ideals! You have a game that tells a story, with themes about feminism, societal pressure, and human evil. You make one of the main protaganists the 'straight man' in this anti-female world, someone that your readers could relate to, and what... she's willing to dress up for and fall in love with a total stranger and be some kawaii robot girlfriend over the course of a couple hours?
Theme undermining: complete.
Ranting aside, I enjoyed Analogue. I enjoyed it as an innovative look at the stuff we COULD do as a book. I enjoyed imagining the setup and the overall story paradigm. I mean, I disliked a pretty big part of the writing style and thought the delivery was childish, and I absolutely hated the tacked-on affection angle, but in reality, we need more games like this that try to break the same-old-formula mold.
Just... maybe with different writers and a more cohesive theme.
Crypt of the Necrodancer is... it's something else, man.
The game is in Early Release on Steam right now. I don't usually buy ER games, but I played this at a friend's house... and my god. Prepare for a deviation from my normally crotchety reviews:
I am thinking very, very, very hard... and there is legitimately NOTHING that I can think of that is wrong with this game. This might be one of the best programs I've ever installed on a computer.
You know what? There is one thing - it's not done yet. I WANT TO PLAY FLOOR 4 SO DAMN BAD!
Okay, two - the review videos don't do it justice. At all. Not even mildly. Not even KIND of mildly. In fact, I watched them and I was LESS excited for the game - they're not bad, it's just that the game itself is so, so good.
Necrodancer is, at one of its hearts, a rogue-like. It checks everything on the list - dungeon crawling, loot, permanent deaths (more or less), spells, swords, dragons, minimalistic storyline - basically one big machine gun to the pleasure center of your brain. But it's that other heart it's got - that other heart makes it shine. You ready for this?
At its other heart, Necrodancer is a rhythm game. You play the game to a song. Each 'turn' of the game takes place in the beat of the song. Miss a beat? Skip your turn. You think ahead like a roguelike and you make tactical calls like a roguelike, but you have to do it fast.
And best of all? The whole time, you are rocking out. The music is so good, so fitting, and so dynamic that it really is one of the main characters. Deafened? The music leaves your side, but the bass comes with. Shrine of Rhythm? The music stops acting as your guide and starts acting as your judge, jury, and executioner. Nearing a delicious loot bonanza? The music gleefully warns you and drags in you the right direction. It keeps your foes in check, it leads you through the dungeon, it paces your heart - and if you don't believe in music as a character, you can choose a protagonist that is not bound by the beat. And when you do, you will feel like a traitor.
You NEED to play this. You need to put money down on this and play it, even in its unfinished state. This is innovation up and down the board. A simple plan, solid pixel art, good design ideas, and one great big twist that changes the ENTIRE genre.
3
RahnalH102the Green Devout, Veteran Monster Hunter, Creature EnthusiastNew MexicoIcrontian
I concur with all of the above for Crypt of the Necrodancer. Great game and it's not even done yet.
@Myrmidon, would you recommend any one of the games in particular or is each subsequent game mostly just a technologically improved version of the previous games?
@XGPHero said:
Myrmidon, would you recommend any one of the games in particular or is each subsequent game mostly just a technologically improved version of the previous games?
Which franchise? Crysis? I've only played the first one, along with FarCry 1 and 2... So I can't really give you a recommendation. I do know I'm not exactly thrilled with thrilled with crytek, and bringing ubisoft into the mix didn't help a lot.
If you meant BioShock, then I would put the first one and Infinite on the "must play" list. Infinite is technologically superior and newer, with very, very little storyline crossover (mostly just easter eggs and world flavor), so you could start with that one first... But for the real experience, start with the original BioShock. You could skip 2 if you don't have the time. It isn't bad, it just isn't as good as the other two. Still leaps and bounds beyond most other games.
Comments
So, I've poisoned this jerk's soup. My moment of triumph is almost upon me.
I...is there no option to give him the soup?
There's a spot for it, right here on the table... why don't I have the soup option?
EAT IT. I WILL INVADE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE UNTIL YOU EAT THIS FREAKING SOUP.
Fine. I'll just leave this right here, fucker. UPSIDE DOWN.
Still haven't eaten it, huh, you picky jerk? Perhaps I can interest you in...
...LEAD SALAD?!
It alerted every single person in a ten foot radius (the guy eleven feet out didn't respond).
Spoilers: I didn't finish the mission.
Hitman: Codename 47
I love stealth games. Absolutely love them. Everything about them - the patience required to surmount obstacles, the vulnerability you feel when you make a move in heavily covered areas, and the sense of superiority you get when you are caught in a shitty situation and just manage to brilliantly escape.Hitman is not a stealth game. Hitman is a mishmash of code that wishes it were a stealth game.
Now, I've complained about a lot of the games in my backlog. I don't feel good about it, I really don't. I want to enjoy this stuff - I want to be blown away by it the way Bioshock: Infinite, Borderlands 2, or Amnesia blew me away. To that effect, I went into this game EXCITED. I generally enjoy the stuff that Eidos chooses to publish, and with a slew of sequels and remakes, I expected this to have at least one stellar, highly redeeming quality. Plus, as a stealth game? It HAS to be great, right?
Nope.
Paper-thin storyline.
Awful AI.
Buggy as all get-out.
Obnoxious dialog.
What had to be ONE SINGLE VOICE ACTOR for the entire game, reading as lifelessly as possible from a script.
Thoughtless level design.
I mean, I guess the camera worked well?
Some grievances:
1. In certain missions, playtesting was not a thing. I was able to run-and-gun through bad guys. In other missions, you were EXPECTED to run and gun through bad guys... but it was you versus fifty.
2. Enemies can see through some smaller walls.
3. Money means nothing - most weapons are available in every level, so there's no incentive to buy anything.
4. Once you put on a disguise, that was generally the end of the mission - you could go anywhere.
5. Stuck in walls, stuck in elevators, targets not spawning, scripted events getting stuck, etc.
6. Observe this scene with Tony Mon... er... Pablo Ochoa. I'm fairly certain they were going for humor here, but it just really disjointed the fight. EDIT: embedded youtube doesn't start at correct point; fast forward to 4:38.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NbDjHeVdeM4#t=276 .
The only thing I really wish I could find is the dialog with the prostitute in the Lee Hong assassination. I vomited, it was so childish.
I guess I'm on to the next Hitman... I mean, it garnered a sequel, maybe they improved on it?
Recent screenshots from Hitman 2: Return of the Bugs...
It's so bad. "NO RUNNING EVER" takes this game from all about patience to all about boredom. Also, the disguise system is broken as hell - they can't see through my disguise when I'm a white man in kuala lumpur wearing shorts and a beret, but if I'm in japan dressed in a full ninja bodysuit? "WHO IS THAT FUCKER NO YOU CAN'T HIDE BEHIND A DOOR, I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR DISGUISE WITHOUT EVEN SEEING YOU!"
I wish I'd never bought this series.
Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
I have just completed this, and in keeping with the current trend of disliking games on my backlog, I almost feel like I should be compensated for playing this.There are some improvements on its predecessor - the voice acting is better (though only barely), the directing is definitely better, obviously the graphics are better. There's a semblance of a storyline, and there is a very marginal reward for being stealthy and minimizing collateral damage.
However, this game suffers from just as many bugs as (if not more than) the original Hitman. In addition - and this is what really gets me - the game suffers from a major flaw: lack of balance. This tremendous oversight means what could have been a pretty fun game wound up being an excellent example of poor design and anti-fun.
There are two major stealth systems in Hitman: sneaking (the system we all know and love - the player may adopt one of multiple 'stances' such as crouching or running, trading stealthiness for increased move speed or vice versa), and disguises (the player may show their face out in the open and will not be recognized as a hitman). Neither of these systems were balanced - to the point where I feel like playtesting was probably not a priority in this game.
From the sneaking side, running serves one purpose - to play to the player's impatience. Too often you will find yourself in a wide open area that you have to walk across at a brutally slow pace. Perhaps the gardens of a temple, or a very long stretch of sewer. Why must you walk? If you run, guards will hear you through walls and over any other background noise. It doesn't matter if you're disguised as a fireman running to a fire alarm alongside other fireman - if you run, you will be caught, and you will be immediately shot. Effectively, you MUST walk ANYWHERE.
"But Dan, stealth games are about patience!" you say. No, my friend, bad stealth games are about patience. Good stealth games are about patience in tension. In a good stealth game, I am hidden around a corner, waiting for a guard to walk away so I can pick the lock on the door behind him. Every second I wait, he gets farther and farther away, making it less likely for him to hear my footsteps. However, if I wait too long, ANOTHER guard will come up behind me - I'm on his patrol route! This is what makes a good stealth game - not infinite patience, but choice and timing - a tradeoff between patience and haste.
This highlights an enormous problem with the disguise system. In the situation above with the nurse, I am disguised as a cultist - with a gun. There is a door behind her that I wish to enter. Every three or four minutes, she takes a thirty second smoke break (so much cancer). What do I do?
Stand there. Stand directly in front of her, and wait for her to leave. Three or four minutes of solid inactivity. Is this patience? No - this is BOREDOM. This disguise system generates boredom, not patience. Not fun.
Furthermore, the disguise system is completely senseless. If I run, I am discovered - period. In a hospital with four nurses, however, I can dress up as the single doctor and nobody will know the difference! In snowy Japan, I dress up in full ninja gear to blend in - goggles, face mask, everything; not a square inch of skin showing - yet if I am so much as SEEN, guards run up to me to check to see if I'm real. But in Russia, I can dress up as a mobster and switch out their standard issue 9mm for a tremendous sniper rifle, and it's perfectly normal!
There's a lot wrong with this game. A lot. It's not tense, it's boring, and it's buggy as hell. I can't understand how it keeps having sequels.
I also can't understand why I bought it. >.< I'm taking a break from the hitman series to play assassin's creed III, which hopefully doesn't suck nearly as much as this did.
"You're so clever and"
But I think you made me mad while I was writing it, so I never finished, and now I can't remember what I was going to say. Good job on them games, though!
Some things that came out of my mouth while playing Assassin's Creed 3
"Yes, yes, that's exactly what I want you to do. Jump on some crates behind us while running in a straight line."
"Oh, I see. A bayonet to the gut and jumping off a cliff - no problem - but catch your foot in a rut and trip? Instant death."
"Hey, look, there was crafting in this game. Welp."
"According to this, the credits are ten minutes long and unskippable... I'll just alt+tab and write my review."
"Huh. Alt+tabbing pauses the credits."
"Whoa, check it out, Templars say a prayer before aiming and firing their gun. How convenient."
"...Didn't we just watch this guy get buried and give him a nice funeral? What the fuck is he doing just chilling there?"
"'I will hunt you to the ends of the earth... despite having you within arm's reach right now. Because history says you don't die for another three years or so. All I need is a paper-thin reason to let you go and historical continuity will do the rest.'"
"Oh man, this mission is going to be sweet... wait, this optional objective says 'no fun.' Huh."
"It's like I'm playing this game from inside the head of a sloth. I tell him to turn left and... and... almost... aaaallllmost.... Therrrrre he goes!"
"'Hello Desmond, I'm your father. Today, I'll be playing the part of 'foil' to your already static character.'"
"This is a weird bug... and I can reproduce it. I wonder if anyone on the web has seen it... wow. Wow. So yeah, I'm not the only one. And here's a dev post addressing it... 'We are unable to reproduce the bug.' Wait what? Let me update my resume, Ubisoft has apparently fired their QA department."
"'Hello Mr Miles! I'm pure eeeeeeevil! I'm one of the greatest minds of our generation! Yesssss! Come into my lair and we'll make a trade - I'll give you [redacted] if you bring to me that incredible tool that allows you to control the very brains of those around you! Come straight to my office and just hand it over to me! And don't think I haven't thought about you using it on me or the people around me during the handoff! Because I have! Better just give up that idea right now!'"
The following is not a dissertation. It is not as well-thought out as the Gravitron rant. It is a plan, grouchy-ass rant. Ignore it if you want, I understand it sucks to read complaints.
The worst part is this game COULD have been a lot of fun - but someone at Ubisoft who has never enjoyed a video game in their life decided to add OPTIONAL PARAMETERS to every mission. "Do this mission in under 2:00." Well shit, I wanted to run it stealthy-like. "Kill a boat by ramming it." Oh god, but I maneuvered all five to where I can kill them with a single broadside! "Do not get off horseback." Oh. So... no hiding in bushes and jumping them? Okay... I guess I'll just murder them with a pistol, at close range. Add this to the list of other empty completionist tasks, and you have yourself a recipe for pure disaster: 'oh hey, we can put more replay value in by hiding stupid shit in this very large, very similar-looking world.' 'Like what?' 'Fuck, I dunno. Feathers?' 'Okay. What do they get if they find them all?' 'Uh... bragging rights. I dunno. Who cares, just put it in. It's cheap to programming and people will do it.'
Speaking of completionist bullshit, you ready for this pandering bit of nonsense? Fresh into town, Connor meets Benjamin Franklin. Spoilers ahead, the conversation goes like this. Practically word for word:
"Hello young lad! I am Benjamin Franklin, exactly as seen in many history books and some currency! I'm just headed off to the printing press to print my very famous almanack! At least, I think it will be famous! I certainly can't know that, but my creators made me talk like I'm straight out of The Magic Schoolbus!"
"Oh No! Young lad, did you see that? A gust of wind" (possibly a passing rider or something, I honestly blocked most of this out) "Has scattered my almanack all around Boston and the soon-to-be-traveled to New York! If you happen to find any almanack pages, oh, I dunno, hovering very realistically above a building and getting ready to float away from anyone who draws near, go ahead and bring them to me by merely picking them up!"
Are. You. SHITTING. Me. I am VERY AWARE that I am playing a video game right now, Ubisoft. I couldn't be any less immersed in a dry lake.
Speaking of completionist, if you pick up all the almanack pages, you receive recipes for 'inventions' that do nothing but get invented. Woo. For completionism's sake, you have to craft these things at your manor by paying money and having resources. I have no idea where I got everything, but just by simply PLAYING THE GAME I was able to walk into the house before the last mission and buy EVERYTHING.
The convoys/trading/whatever are a joke. You don't need more money. I bought everything and had 20000 pounds to spare. It's tedium for pocket change.
Speaking of tedium, how 'bout that double-menu mess? Or god, the crafting menu in and of itself?
Oh, and the AI. Lord, the AI. I once killed half of a fortress by dancing near a rampart's edge, hanging over said edge over the lake, and watching the bad guys stare at me and clip through one another, over the wall and down to their watery graves. I once (more than once) ran up to a man, blade out, while he STARED AT ME, slowly saying "wait... wait what are you doing here?", MISSED STABBING HIM, and murdered him on the second attempt. The combat is ludicrously easy and plays like a martial arts movie from the eighties - one bad guy at a time. Choose from two dynamic buttons while fighting: "e" to counter and "left click" to stab! The naval scenes, which could be clever, gave you what was essentially an ironclad ship in the middle of the revolutionary war. You are invincible. That's it. Templars - in the 21st century, with PISTOLS - close in from across the room for close quarters combat with a dude wrecking shit with a knife in the middle of a courtyard made of concrete. And when they fire, they hold the weapon straight up at their chin and ever-so-slowly lower it toward your character in an overexaggerated show that would make even my eighth grade drama class facepalm.
I could go on, but I'm sure I've taxed your patience for reading sheer complaint.
No, wait, you know what? Let's be fair - there was some good in this game. The cinematics and camera effects are wonderful. Ubisoft should take their writers off their thin-plot leash and allow them to make a REAL script, then make movies instead.
Awful. Awful awful awful waste of money. I know it's old, but if for whatever reason you were thinking of buying this, don't.
Next up is Hitman: Blood Money. If you're following along, you'll remember I hate the Hitman series and started AC3 to take a break by playing a game I enjoy. Most unfortunate how that turned out.
Let's hope H:BM is much better. Hehehehe... BM.
Hitman: Blood Money
I'm back!
But there's not much to say here. I was re-reading all my old reviews and... well, it turns out this game is just Hitman 2: Silent Assassin with better graphics and fewer bugs. They don't care about sound as much, at least, but the plot is still as paper-thin as always, the stealth is just... it's just awful - once again, patience with no tension = boredom. During one of the last missions, I waited for around seven to eight minutes in one spot just for the target to enter an elevator so I could take his clothes and waltz unhampered through the rest of the level. Nobody saw me, nobody asked what I was doing, nobody else used the elevator all night - nothing. No tension, just enough time to make a sandwich and get a beer.
Sorry, map designers. Bet you thought those guard patrol routes would be really cool, too.
They added an 'accidents' feature, which generally involves finding a button somewhere in the level that kills the target for you - which is fairly cool from a cinematic point of view. Otherwise, do not play.
EDIT: you know what? There was, in fact, at least one REALLY solid part to the game:
[spoiler]During the credits, Agent 47's funeral, the world is blurry while Ave Maria plays. The HUD is missing. From time to time, a heartbeat is heard. During the heartbeat, the world shifts into perfect clarity, then falls right back to blurriness. With his silverballers placed on his chest, you imagine that at some point the credits will stop, and you will be forced to kill... no, there are like, ten bodyguards in close proximity. There's no way.
You never wake up. You just fall into the cremation chamber.
...Unless you were ITCHING to wake up. If you start hitting the controls, the heartbeats speed up. The HUD reappears. And, eventually, 47 stands up for one last firefight.
The firefight was the same as it always is in these games. But that presentation... that was pretty innovative. I could do with more of that sort of design.[/spoiler]
Dishonored
Oh shit, I didn't review this?
I was actually pretty pleased to get in on this game. I really like the idea of a clockwork world, and dystopian society, and magic, and stealth... I mean, pretty much everything in this game is my favorite trope.
There WAAAAAS a problem, though. There are achievements for: 1. Never being spotted, 2. Never killing a target, 3. Finishing the game with low chaos, and 4. Not using any magic.
So I did all those. It was... disappointing.
The magic was really thrilling - and I wish I'd used it. You should definitely use it. Being spotted seemed like it might have been a lot of fun. Never killing a target? Let's face it, they're masochists. Fuck them up. And as for low chaos... well, alright. At least you get the good ending that way. I am still kicking myself for not engaging in proper hand-to-hand combat - the block mechanic looked really cool, too!
As with all these games, it seems, there was a sense of storyline-polish that was missing. The general storyline? Brilliant. But... the motives for some characters? Their methods? Well, I get the sense this may have been a Dr. Seuss book gone wrong... everything is so simplistic, as a vehicle for the (admittedly very smooth) gameplay.
One day I hope to find a game where the storyline is gripping, the characters are dynamic, the gameplay is fluid, and the theme is thrilling... Dishonored is almost, ALMOST on the mark.
But not quite.
you and me both
Did you ever play Beyond Good & Evil?
no...searching...
looks like something i would have really loved as a kid, but i havent really been able to get into an adventure game in several years.
Well, it's a
BG&E does look like my cup of tea, and people always rave about it. It's on my to-do... just not my backlog.
@Myrmidon, I have been interested in trying the crysis series for a while, and i seem to remember you mentioning it in an earlier review of an unrelated game. any opinions on crysis?
I could write a dissertation, good sir. Here's the short version (lol).
Pros:
Beautiful. Absolutely, absolutely beautiful.
Good overall idea - I love the idea of a nanosuit, or any augmented character.
Good combat AI - sometimes a little unrealistically observant.
Interesting environmental interactions for its time.
Limited suit power forced tactical decisions instead of 'insta-god mode.' Meaningful, fast choices ALWAYS get a +1.
Cons:
Gameplay felt somewhat clunky. Addition of hotkeys for the suit helps, but you can really tell you're not on the unreal or source engine.
Existence of the 'invisible wall,' in the form of 'LOL U LEAVE DIS ZONE N WE SHOOT U' badly hampers the 'directed open world' that they were touting.
Terrible AI for stealth purposes - cloaking can really only be used for a quick tactical advantage, not for actual sneaking.
Storyline was... a little on the contrived side. Can't remember how I felt about the voice acting, but I'm always wary of military voice acting.
Cliffhanger. Fuck your cliffhanger.
Still follows the very-formulaic linear FPS model, despite trying to be open-world.
Most of my excitement is due to the imagination that the suit and the large map give me. I like to IMAGINE how I would proceed through a military compound. I know other folks really enjoyed observing how they handled environmental reaction - which interested me somewhat less, but IS definitely a factor in realism.
Most of my gripes from the awful approach to 'directed open-world.' The only thing 'open-world' about is that the maps are bigger. And 'directed' implies a little more subtlety than map edges that kill you and AI that only permits a run-and-gun approach. See the Left 4 Dead commentary for how to subtly direct players. It'll open your eyes.
I would say it's worth playing if you get it for cheap, but it won't exactly blow your socks off unless you're really into graphical detail - given the choice between Crysis and, say, Bioshock (both big-name augmentation/story driven linear FPSs), I'd take the latter every time.
Analogue: A Hate Story
I bought this game on a whim and spent about 3 hours going through it at Terin's parents's house. This is a text-driven game, so if you lose patience reading, this is not the game for you.
Now, I am not a great writing critic. I tend to pay attention to things I shouldn't pay attention to, and I tend to value the use of comic relief... which skews me toward books with tension that have actual NEED of comic relief. So anything I say about writing, feel free to ignore.
Also anything I say about games, because let's face it, I'm a grouch!
Moving along...
From a gameplay perspective, I actually enjoyed Analogue. I like to read, so the text-heavy stuff didn't bother me. The simplistic operating system setup was fairly interesting, and I liked the investigator's role that they threw you into. The static 2D displays made the use of dynamic effects (namely the signal static during the only tense part) particularly jarring, which was exactly what it was going for - a reminder that your role in the game wasn't just written in to give you a thin reason to read the story, but that you were actually doing something.
Unfortunately, your role in the game WAS just written in to give you a thin reason to read a story. The eventual choice you must make at the end is really the only other interaction you have with that role. However, I choose to look at Analogue not as a story-driven game, but as an interactivity-driven book - an outlook that IMMEDIATELY puts the game's innovation into focus.
From a WRITING perspective... well, I can take it or leave it. It isn't the best story I've ever read, but it's also not the worst. The AI characters were one-sided, but I tend to believe that's by design (as you're really listening to a snapshot of the characters AFTER the story, as they REFLECT on the story... well after any dynamic growth had taken place). The characters in the story don't have that excuse, though. Some of them were mildly dynamic, but most of them felt like afterthoughts.
The plot felt a little childish in more places than one. It was as if the writer had selected a social paradigm for everyone, then forced every character into that paradigm - effectively creating a stereotype and making it true. I don't feel like the plot utilized the characters for development, but merely dealt with the characters as obstacles. The dialogue also felt very childish - as if each character were talking with the same voice.
What really irritated me was the pandering to varying themes of "nerd relationships" and sexuality. No, I don't need to take a fembot AI girlfriend home who's going to gush and fawn over my every word. Nor do I need to play cosplay dress-up and put her in a french maid outfit while she winks and blows kisses. This girl is a
in a spaceship that wouldn't put up with the simplest feminine expression, much less cutesy cosplay tailoring pursuits, for fuck's sake! How in the hell does that fit the story, or the paradigm that shaped it?
Furthermore, the choices that decide whether the AI 'likes' or 'dislikes' me are so blunt, they might as well be a job application from the late 90's. You ever fill one of those out?
"Choose the response that best fits your attitude. When a co-worker upsets me, I:
A. Attempt to resolve the problem by talking it through.
B. Set fire to his car."
Look, there's a time and a place for this sort of programming, and hey, whatever gets your rocks off - I won't judge for your jollies. But this was such a tacked-on, poorly-done, massive distraction that I legitimately feel it was added late in the game in an attempt to appeal to a stereotypical lonely anime-loving gamer who wants a waifu SO BAD. And for what? More revenue? Stick to your ideals! You have a game that tells a story, with themes about feminism, societal pressure, and human evil. You make one of the main protaganists the 'straight man' in this anti-female world, someone that your readers could relate to, and what... she's willing to dress up for and fall in love with a total stranger and be some kawaii robot girlfriend over the course of a couple hours?
Theme undermining: complete.
Ranting aside, I enjoyed Analogue. I enjoyed it as an innovative look at the stuff we COULD do as a book. I enjoyed imagining the setup and the overall story paradigm. I mean, I disliked a pretty big part of the writing style and thought the delivery was childish, and I absolutely hated the tacked-on affection angle, but in reality, we need more games like this that try to break the same-old-formula mold.
Just... maybe with different writers and a more cohesive theme.
Crypt of the Necrodancer
Crypt of the Necrodancer is... it's something else, man.
The game is in Early Release on Steam right now. I don't usually buy ER games, but I played this at a friend's house... and my god. Prepare for a deviation from my normally crotchety reviews:
I am thinking very, very, very hard... and there is legitimately NOTHING that I can think of that is wrong with this game. This might be one of the best programs I've ever installed on a computer.
You know what? There is one thing - it's not done yet. I WANT TO PLAY FLOOR 4 SO DAMN BAD!
Okay, two - the review videos don't do it justice. At all. Not even mildly. Not even KIND of mildly. In fact, I watched them and I was LESS excited for the game - they're not bad, it's just that the game itself is so, so good.
Necrodancer is, at one of its hearts, a rogue-like. It checks everything on the list - dungeon crawling, loot, permanent deaths (more or less), spells, swords, dragons, minimalistic storyline - basically one big machine gun to the pleasure center of your brain. But it's that other heart it's got - that other heart makes it shine. You ready for this?
At its other heart, Necrodancer is a rhythm game. You play the game to a song. Each 'turn' of the game takes place in the beat of the song. Miss a beat? Skip your turn. You think ahead like a roguelike and you make tactical calls like a roguelike, but you have to do it fast.
And best of all? The whole time, you are rocking out. The music is so good, so fitting, and so dynamic that it really is one of the main characters. Deafened? The music leaves your side, but the bass comes with. Shrine of Rhythm? The music stops acting as your guide and starts acting as your judge, jury, and executioner. Nearing a delicious loot bonanza? The music gleefully warns you and drags in you the right direction. It keeps your foes in check, it leads you through the dungeon, it paces your heart - and if you don't believe in music as a character, you can choose a protagonist that is not bound by the beat. And when you do, you will feel like a traitor.
You NEED to play this. You need to put money down on this and play it, even in its unfinished state. This is innovation up and down the board. A simple plan, solid pixel art, good design ideas, and one great big twist that changes the ENTIRE genre.
I concur with all of the above for Crypt of the Necrodancer. Great game and it's not even done yet.
@Myrmidon, would you recommend any one of the games in particular or is each subsequent game mostly just a technologically improved version of the previous games?
Which franchise? Crysis? I've only played the first one, along with FarCry 1 and 2... So I can't really give you a recommendation. I do know I'm not exactly thrilled with thrilled with crytek, and bringing ubisoft into the mix didn't help a lot.
If you meant BioShock, then I would put the first one and Infinite on the "must play" list. Infinite is technologically superior and newer, with very, very little storyline crossover (mostly just easter eggs and world flavor), so you could start with that one first... But for the real experience, start with the original BioShock. You could skip 2 if you don't have the time. It isn't bad, it just isn't as good as the other two. Still leaps and bounds beyond most other games.
i loved bioshock 1, but i rapidly lost interest in 2. never played infinite though...ill have to give that a try when i get my computer fixed.
Infinite is better than 2, though not infinitely so.