Waking up is a complicated process for me. It is not uncommon for me to snooze my main alarm three times, after shutting down two prior alarms in 15-minute intervals (and that’s on my good days). I find it especially difficult to beat back the claws of rest when my room is cold, making the covers continually inviting, but the morning of December 4 took the cold room conundrum to a new level. When I pulled my eyelids open and my feet hit the floor, my room was a chill 63 degrees. The furnace was not functioning.
The forecast for that night had promised the coldest weather Indiana had seen so far this winter. Lacking space heaters, I knew I quickly had to find a way to stay warm, or I would surely perish in the frigid nightmare. Did I panic? Nay, I gathered myself, threw on an extra hoodie or two, and I turned on my PC.
DirectHeat API
As you may know, I am a 3D artist. I tool around in programs like Autodesk Softimage, Maya, Modo, etc. These programs really down the juice, especially at render time. During endurance sessions, it is not uncommon for my system to be pushed to its limits and, as a result, my PC spews hot air faster than a political analyst during election season. Realizing that heat equals survival, I had found my means to outlive the day shrouded in hopelessness and despair; my biggest inconvenience as an artist was about to become my greatest asset.
True computer stress with the Radeon HD 5770 installed
I knew I had to put stress on my processor and my GPU, an ATI Radeon HD 5770, to elevate the heat. With the temperature in my room rapidly plunging, it was going to take some serious number and polygon crunching if I were to save my life.
After notifying Twitter–and thus the world–of my all-important, life-threatening situation, I fired up Prime95. In the before time, I had used this program to test the stability of my overclocked processor. All I had to lose in those days was a processor; the stakes were different now. I shivered and initiated torture mode, looking on as my Core 2 Duo began to bring the heat by plowing through an endless stream of meaningless numbers.
Next, I turned my attention to my GPU. Easily one of the greatest sources of heat in a system, I knew I had to really stress the poor thing for the sake of my survival. I had to play video games. I fired up Left 4 Dead 2, and I delighted in the delicious irony of playing a survival game to ensure my own survival. No one could complain about me gaming too much this time–it was play, or game over.
It's so cold in the E!
After a few rounds of Left 4 Dead 2, I realized my video card was not getting hot enough. I could still touch the thing comfortably (Ed note: Do not stick your hand inside a live PC unless you are a trained professional. And by professional, I mean a complete idiot).
By now, my room had dropped to 58 degrees, and I could see my breath. The low temperature of my room had created the perfect environment for overclocking as, despite the full CPU load, my system was completely stable, and still relatively cool. If I was going to make this box generate some serious heat, I knew that it was time to set phasers to kill.
I opened up FurMark and set everything to MAXIMUM, employing the Xtreme Burning Mode, and pressed GO! I watched the log as my GPU slowly ramped up to 75 degrees Celsius. Before long, the 5770 was spewing out some decently warm air and, like the astronauts on Apollo 13 when they finally constructed the device that would purify their oxygen, I was able to relax.
I ran my system at full bore for eight straight hours. Though it wasn’t ideal, the inside temperature was moderately livable with the door sealed. As the night went on, the outside world became an icebox. My room, supported by a PC dreaming floating point dreams, laughed in the face of old man winter. That night I even played the coldest round of Icrontic TF2 that I’m likely to ever experience.
I also put back a double of Irish whiskey (no need for rocks) to encourage warmth in my belly and went to bed hours later wearing three hoodies, two pairs of pants, inside a sleeping bag under 5 blankets. But I had made a fatal mistake: Probably a result of the combined exhaustion, habit, and whiskey, I turned off my PC as I went to bed.
Fffffuuuuu
Four layers, a scarf, and a coat for checking email?
The next morning I awoke to a bone-chilling 48-degree room. It was 16 degrees away from freezing point. It was a cold that chilled me to the core in the way only Northern Indiana can. There isn’t much you can do for yourself in temps like this, and your body eventually just decides to deal with it. Needless to say, that was one of the most unpleasant post-shower shaves I have ever had in my life.
After freeing my PC from its tomb of ice with a hammer and pick, I knew I had to pull out the big guns if I was to bring the heat. I scanned my supply of workstation GPUs knowing that if I chose poorly, I would pay for it with my life. Knowing from recent benchmarks that it could give and take the heat, I decided upon the NVIDIA Quadro FX 3800. I installed the GPU, booted my computer, and fired up Prime95 and FurMark once more.
My eyes were glued to the temperature logs once I pushed the button for FurMark. If the FX 3800 did not yield some serious heat, I was a dead man for sure, but the temps slowly ramped up and eventually eclipsed the Radeon HD 5770’s max temp of 76 degrees Celsius by 9°C. Great success! My computer was now dumping out real heat at a constant pace. I closed the door and let my PC bake for a while as I braved the elements to hunt a wild Taco Bell I could devour for lunch.
Success!
After installing the Quadro FX 3800, internals ramped up
When I returned and opened my door, I had actually done it. My room was warmer than the rest of my frigid, frostbitten house. It was a good 3 to 30 degrees warmer (results may be exaggerated) according to the very scientific “well, I can feel my face again” method. As my PC sat beside me, weeping over the torture of calculation, I could only smile. Victory was found in the face of death; I had turned to carnal instincts to find survival. At the height of my success, I felt right in line with classic manly men such as Theodore Roosevelt, Daniel Boone, George Patton, Sean Connery, and John Carmack.
Always remember, as a geek you are never hopeless in survival situations. Computers are truly the all-purpose machines, and they could some day save your life.
Wait a minute, what’s that? We have a fireplace in this house?
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