BREAKING! Exciting E3 news has just hit the Icrontic inbox:
It seems that the world of gaming press and its readers are all in for a real treat, as super awesome online gaming news mega blog IGN.com is kissing more ass than ever at this year’s event in Los Angeles and making sure everyone knows about it!
IGN.com has sent out a press release across the magical tubes of the internet that announces their hostile takeover of E3 2010. Not only will they be providing the most comprehensive, super ultimate, totally swank coverage of the gaming industry’s premiere event, but they will also be giving event-goers plenty of opportunities to see just how awesome they really are. It was a press release to the press from the press. Chaotic recursion is a wonderful thing, and I for one welcome our monolithic journalist overlords.
IGN has announced that not only will they be broadcasting live from the show floor, but they’ve also teamed up with the true future platform for mobile video games—Sprint—in which they will demo revolutionary cell phone games that will change our lives forever. IGN is also teaming up with the benign supreme ruler of the industry, also known as EA, to provide a chance to us lucky attendees to experience the latest in “point a gun and click to shoot” games. Finally, IGN promises dominance of E3 by hosting the “Best Of” awards. Spoilers—Best Game of E3 will go to a first person shooter.
Oh yeah, they also announced that once again, IGN will have a flashy newsroom that’s the size of a small country. Though not specifically stated, one can only hope that such a newsroom will come with a complimentary helping of rudeness to be served by each of the staff members passing through.
In all my years of video game journalism, this email has to be the most exciting revelation to come across my (admittedly large) desk. It fills me with gross anticipation that in just one week, I get to be pushed around at interviews and treated like a subservient peon. It’s the kind of treatment that serves to remind all of us in the gaming press—until you have office space in the greater Los Angeles or San Francisco areas, you are a scrub.
Uh, you're gonna get outta my way, see? I gotta cover this event, see?
Perhaps even more exciting than our ensured abuse at the convention is the small footnote at the bottom of the email. If we (as members of the gaming press) desire to interview an IGN editor (also members of the gaming press) in regards to the impact of E3 (the premiere show for the gaming press) then we can set up an appointment through the provided email address. Not only am I given the opportunity to attend the video game show that gamers dream of going to, but I have the opportunity to ask another video game journalist what they think of the show we’re both going to! I have truly reached the pinnacle of my life, and my stomach hurts from the pure elation surging through my bones. Actually, strike that—the feeling is probably from that burrito I ate for lunch.
Last summer I attended my first E3. After years of reading IGN and dreaming of setting foot in the Los Angeles Convention Center during this jovial event, I finally had the chance to do it in real life. I remember very vividly stepping down my size 14 Converse onto the escalator for the first time as I was ushered upward underneath a giant E3 2009 banner. I could hardly contain my excitement for the event. I couldn’t wait to interact with my peers in the press at this mecca of gaming journalism. Before long, however—like a child learning the reality of Santa Claus—I realized that IGN reporters were clearly the Übermensch. They didn’t have time for anyone else—they just had to best Gamespot in all that they did. If that meant pushing in front of me at a demo unit, or literally stealing an interview away from myself and my colleagues, then they would exercise no restraint in taking the lead.
It is exciting the IGN has emailed every single member of the registered E3 gaming press to announce their kung-fu grip on the show this year. Now we can cut out all of the guesswork—IGN will be proper dicks to an extent yet known to the common man. They will rule the flow of information, and they will make sure we see their logo whenever anything happens.
If you’ll excuse me, I must be off to find a corner to puke in. I’m not feeling very well all of a sudden, I seem to have gotten arrogance poisoning from this email.
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